There's a Floating Island in Makati Medical Center

Breakfast after shift with my good friends at work.

I had carbonara

Gherry ordered tocino and egg

Makati Girl

Thirty minutes lang ang allowance ko mula sa bahay hanggang sa Teletech Cainta. Partida, kasama na pagpull up ng system diyan. Nasanay ako ng ganun for 2 and a half years. Kaya nabigla ako nang magtrabaho ako sa Makati. Ang layo, ang traffic, ang mahal ng pamasahe at puro lakad eh bihis na bihis ka. In short, parusa.

Eh bakit nga ba ako napadpad sa Makati?

Sa totoo lang, gusto ko pa sana tumambay pa ng konti. Kaya lang dahil sa naranasan kong kabiguang makarating sa Ohio, kelangan kong maging busy dahil baka maglaslas ako ng pulso. So tinanggap ko ang unang trabahong tumanggap din sa'kin. Tsaka naisip ko, never pa ko nagtrabaho sa Makati. Dapat lang naman atang maranasan. Para bang kung beach lover ka eh hindi kumpleto kung hindi mo marating ang Boracay. Tsaka, hindi naman siguro masamang magtrabaho sa multi-national oil company no? Pwede na siguro lalo kung number 1 sila.

Seryoso, iyon talaga ang mga dahilan ko. Pero pagkatapos lang ng ilang linggo, I'm seeing this new job in a different light.

Nakakachallenge. Para akong nag-aaral uli. Yung kasing mga tao dito, they either inspire me, intimidate me, or stretch me. Gumagraduate tayo ng highschool pero kapag nasa bagong crowd tayo, we tend to want to perform, be noticed, and belong. Highschool uli.

Iba't ibang klaseng tao na ang nakilala ko sa mga pinanggalingan kong kompanya. Pero naaamazed pa rin ako na marami pa din pa lang unique na tao out there somewhere. Mahalaga yun sa isang writer wannabe na katulad ko, parang gusto mo silang isulat. Kung nasa Ohio ako, hindi ko mamimeet ang mga taong nameet ko dito.

Ilang beses din akong nagstereotype ng mga kasama ko dahil sa first impression. Parang ang epal naman nitong isa, pampam yung isa. Mali ako sa maraming beses.

At narealized ko...bigo pa din siguro ako. Emong-emo 'tong mga sinasabi ko eh.

My American Idol Experience

Hindi, hindi ako nag-audition sa American Idol.

Pero alam ko na ang pakiramdam.

Nagkaroon ako ng opportunity na mahire sa isang call center na: pioneer account, wave 1, senior agent ka, tapat ng Galleria ang location (which is good because I go to VCF there), okay ang pay, boss mo yung dati mong boss, at...ipapadala ka sa Ohio para sa training.

Emotional turmoil. Torture. Kinailangan kong maglakad pabalik-balik sa Buendia pagkatapos ng interview para lang marelax ako.

Pero ang pinakaheartbreaking sa lahat...kukunin ka na sana nila...kaso wala kang passport. Hihintayin ka nilang magkapassport pero 3 days lang dahil kelangan pang mag apply ng visa.

Nakita ko ang sarili kong parang contestant sa American Idol. Hopeful, goal oriented, at desperate. Kakayanin kong tumawid ng alambre para lang magka-passport ng time na yun. Ang problema, wala ka naman alambreng tatawirin.

Sa training class dati tinanong kami kung ano yung dream destination namin. Umuulan ng Paris ang mga sagot nila. Ako lang ang nagsabi ng US. Hindi ako into travel, kasi nga homebuddy, introvert at emo ako. Pero if I have to go anywhere abroad, US talaga.

Sayang. Pero I will not pretend na kunwari na lang walang nangyari. It hurts, but since I've learned a lot from it, this experience is not bad at all.

I have learned to submit to the divine power I cannot control- God's will. If God wants me to have this job, He'd make away. Otherwise, I have to accept that I'm getting a 'no' from Him on this one.

Nagpunta sa Singapore si Ate last year and inaya niya akong mag-ayos ng passport kasabay niya. Naiisip ko, wala naman akong balak mag-abroad anytime soon, bakit ako kukuha? Wrong move. Very bad decision. Opportunities knock pala, you have to be prepared for it.

And nag-struggle ako with spiritual frustration and what I believe is a quarterlife crisis, diba? The best of all, through this experience, I see things back in the perfect light. And if this disappointment is what God has to bring in my way to end of this period in my life, then it's worth it.

I was rooting for Alex Lambert pero natanggal na din siya. Dang.

Huling Araw...and the Week After

I'm not good at leaving work. Hindi ko matagalan ang 30-day notice. Halos AWOL nga ako sa unang work ko sa Chancel Rep. Hindi ko naman tinapos magpaclearance sa Ambergriss so technically, AWOL din yun. Sa NCO naman, same day last day, walang 30 day notice = not for rehire. So medyo torture sa 'kin ang last month ng UHG.

Gustong-gusto na naming maglast day, hindi nagsink in sa 'min until the last week na, this will break the routine. Hindi na kami papasok sa T*tech the week after, wala na kaming trabaho, we have to start applying for a new work elsewhere, hindi na kami araw-araw magkikita and...we were leaving some friends. Whew! I guess that's what the 30 day notice was for, huh...to absorb all these, to prepare for the changes, but huh! The whole time isa lang ang naiisip namin- ang tagal ng last day! (kitang-kita naman sa picture diba? Parang walang malungkot.) Seriously, it was a greeaaaat two and a half year in UHG.

Friday was my last day employed and on Sunday morning, I stuffed all my stuff in back of the cab (that rhymes!) and came back to home sweet home. Ginawa ko 'to habang tulog pa si Ate at Kuya and just texted them later. Wow! High-five. I suck at goodbyes, I must be a dude.

First time ko 'tong tumira kasama ang ibang tao at magbayad ng rent. Sa totoo lang, I want this! Ito ang nakukuha ko kakanood ng Friends and kakabasa ng mga libro ni Sophie Kinsella, you know...going home to the place you pay the rent for, hehe, the independent life, the roommate! At bakit ko siya mas ginusto? I found myself a nice place! Bedspace lang ito, pero in a townhouse! And our room was in the attic, on the 4th floor, the family can kill each other hindi namin malalaman. Meron sofa (sa loob ng kwarto!) and thank goodness si Ate mismo ang naglilinis dahil sobra siyang neat freak! Dalawa lang kami sa kwarto at ako lang ang nandoon during the day. I sleep on the kingsize bed and Tisay, my roommate, sleep on the mattress on the floor, totally her choice by the way. So it's like paying for a room for a price of a bedspace! At ngayong wala na 'ko dun kay Tisay na ang buong kwarto, gosh! And not to mention, mababait ang may ari ng bahay. Kung hindi ako aalis ng T*tech I wouldn't have thought about leaving at all.

On the downside, that place bores me to death! It's like Vegas, with all the lights, but no gambling at drinking. Anong gagawin ko dun? And this living independent thing...sa kuripot kong 'to and with Pablo at home, it's not for me, maybe not now.

What was I busy doing a week after UHG ended? Finally, kinuha ko na ang diploma ko at transcript, nagparenew ng NBI, began watching our DVD's of "How I Met Your Mother", did my first volunteer work in VCF, and go crazy for American Idol.

Another one, done!

It was supposed to have been my "parting gift" for TL Chester, pero nahiya ako sa idea na mukha akong creepy stalker.

Isa ito sa mga nasa "to do" list ko para sa 2009- do a charcoal drawing, again. Lalo na ngayon nag-aadvance midlife crisis ako, gusto kong i-explore ang aking "artistic" side, kung meron man.

I heard it from watching "Glee"- ito ata yung tinatawag na..."creative outlet".

Naisip ko din...kahit ano pang pagpapaliwanag ko, mukha pa rin akong obsessed fan.

Rainy Days

It's been raining for weeks now. Ayoko ng umuulan ng ganito katagal. Ang tagal magpatuyo ng damit, basa ang paligid, at sa lugar namin sa bundok na may ginagawang subdivision sa tabi, good luck naman sa putik. Nakakatamad umalis ng bahay. At kahit pa mamotivate mo ang sarili mo na pumasok sa trabaho, timing na timing naman na kung kelan ka paalis ng bahay saka bubuhos ang malakas na ulan. Grrr. Asar talaga.

It's been announced- ibabalik ang account namin onshore. Dahil daw sa healthcare reform act ni Obama. In fairness naman I saw it talaga on TV. Hindi ko pa nga sana ipapaalam sa bahay pero when I saw it on CNN, I went like "Naku totoo yan, yung account namin naapektuhan niyan kaya hanggang November na lang kami." Nacarried away ako.

I wasn't really devastated. Don't get me wrong. I like this account and the people and the company, but the announcement came in a perfect timing. Tinatamad na lahat so it was like, pinipilit mo pang kayanin, pero they decided na for you. What hit me hard is the reality of it all happening right in front of your face. I thought the recession couldnt touch healthcare, because it's healthcare! Americans can give up their internet or cable subscription but they cannot give up on their health. But we've heard that it is one of Obama's agenda to bring the jobs back to the U.S. And it's happening.

So, there I have some serious thinking and planning to do in the next coming days para sa future ko.

Yesterday, one of my colleagues told me somebody says "hi" to me, and at first he wouldnt tell who it was and he wanted me to guess. Syempre hindi ko nahulaan. So he told me, it was his big brother who was my classmate in highschool. And I was shocked that they are even brothers! I knew we saw each other one day, and I knew who he was, pero dedma lang. Well this HS classmate asked his brother if he knows a certain me in the healthcare account, and he's very lucky because we're even teammates! At iniisip ko, ano nga bang mga pangyayari nung nagkita kami. Siguro ang ganda ko nun? At naalala ko...yun yung araw na sumugod ako sa malakas na ulan dahil late na ako at mukha akong basang sisiw.

Kaya ayoko ng ulan. Pero naalala ko, last Sunday sabi ko sa Nanay ko, nakakatamad umalis ng bahay, nakakatamad magsimba dahil sa ulan. Natawa ko sa sagot niya, sabi niya, "Wag, bad! Balance ni God yan, para sa farmers!" sabi ko nalang , "Tama! Para sa rice!"

I've been craving for a salad all-week, Wendy's salad bar style. Hehe, I decided to make my own. Gusto kong matutong magluto ang una kong subok hindi man lang dumaan sa apoy.

the plating and the garnishing isn't bad di ba? =)

Mean Girl

I try to be good as much as possible because I feel good if I'm good, I feel terrible if I'm bad. Kaya wala akong bisyo. I don't have a hard time saying no to these things. If there's one thing though that I can't change-it's being cranky.

Lately, sobra 'kong nagiging mainitin ang ulo at mareklamo. And sobra din naman akong nagiging conscious kaya I try to do something about it. There are days that I'm successful, but it's frustrating when I'm not. My colleagues say it's okay, and I convince myself it's okay. But really, I feel awful.

Pano ka ba naman hindi magtataray kung nasa escalation team ka. Before I got into this team, I told myself I won't show some attitude like some of my colleagues. Now after just a few months of doing what they are doing, naiintindihan ko na.

One of the mean girls-that's me. Worried ako dati na kainisan ako sa floor gaya ng mga kasama ko, but now, I reached this point na I don't care. I know kapag naglalakad ako sa floor, may gusto nang pumana sa'kin. I don't like that idea, but really, hindi ko gustong magbago dahil sa iniisip sa'kin ng tao. I want to change kasi something doesn't feel right inside.

Not everyone understand this. I posted a bible verse in my station to remind me about this and I was laughed by one person saying he doesn't believe that. Now may nabasa akong blog of a husband who has the same thoughts about his temper. It is nice to know there are people out there that feel that same was as I do.

Last Sunday I went to VCF Gale and the pastor shared James 1:19-27 which I thought is very timely: ¹⁹My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, ²⁰for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. ²¹Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.

²²Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. ²³Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror ²⁴and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. ²⁵But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.

²⁶If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. ²⁷Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

Gusto kong bumait pero hindi ko magawa.

Just For a Season

Noong unang call center job ko, sa Ambergriss, I had an amazing friendship with my colleagues. But after 3 months, there was a major change and some of us couldnt continue working for that account we were with, and we had to part ways. I was broken hearted. Ganito pala 'tong industry na 'to. You will open yourself to people, only to find, it doesn't last. My sister told me I could always keep in touch, but I knew it's different from actually being with them always. We would not always be available and we would meet new friends in our new jobs. We could keep in touch, but the friendship will no longer grow. One of the many acquaintances na lang yung dating friendship.

So sa nilipatan kong company, I was putting walls around me. I remember the group of girls I was part of was planning to go swimming in the province. And I was like, no way, I'm not going anywhere with you this early. I am not going to meet your family in the province this early. I could use their company at work, that's it, no strings attach. I was afraid of liking them so much that when it's time to leave for good, it would hurt. They noticed it and I told them why I was like that. Well, I worked with them for a year, so things changed. I was the first one to resign in our group. And that day when I resigned, I forgot to bring my stuff back home, like my pillow and the stuff in my desk, kasi I badly wanted to go home immediately, as saying goodbye to everyone and seeing their sad faces was killing me.

When I left Team Chester because I was transferred, I was sick to my stomach. That's me. Hindi ako FC (feeling close) but when I get attached to a puppy that puppy stays with me. Now Bernie and Jackie just resigned, almost at the same time. Nakakalungkot. New people can fill in the spot they left, but it's not us anymore, it will be a team of people with the same TL and same team name.

Well, sa 2 taon tinagal ko sa work kong ito ngayon, I've seen people come and go. I've learned to be used to it.

I like to quote Pastor Joel Osteen, "There are other people that God brings to your life for a season. We have to accept the fact that things are changing. When God closes a door, it is because God has something better in store. Let them go. Your destiny is not tied to the people that walked away. If you try to make it work and it didn't, accept it as God's plan. Don't fight change. God will always bring the right people in your life." Excerpts from his sermon Living without Crutches.

Good girl ba kamo?

Last Saturday, Team Chester had a team building in Antipolo. I was half hearted to join kasi, it was on a Saturday night and the next day is a Sunday which is a busy day for me. So I didnt show up sa kitaan, I decided to just sleep. Later at night, I woke up with Tl's text, asking me where I was. I wanted to reply that I was not going. I closed my eyes again determined to go back to sleep, but I couldnt. Ginugulo ang konsensiya ko. Matutulog na lang ba ako uli?

I jumped out of bed. I decided to go anyway, dahil ang buhay ko ay bahay-trabaho-bahay-trabaho-simbahan-bahay-trabaho-bahay-
trabaho-mall. Tapos nagrereklamo ako na boring ang buhay ko and I need a life!

Naghintay akong sunduin sa landmark ng isang oras, which pissed me off bigtime. Pero dahil nalaman kong meron sa kanila ay 2 hours naghintay at 3 hours naman pala sila nagbiyahe dahil may mga sinundo pa, at traffic, naisip kong hindi ako ang pinakakawawang tao sa mundo at napatawad ko din sila.

Kapag nalalasing si TL, nagtatransform siya, parang the Hulk. Naging si Chester the Monster na naman siya nun, at naisipan niya kaming ipag-iitsa sa pool. Sa totoo lang, medyo nainis ako kasi, nakapants ako at yung suot ko eh yun din ipang-uuwi ko. Bumilib ako kay Bernie. Nasa bulsa pala ng shorts niya yung celphone niya at yun nabasa at nasira. Kesa daw mainis siya, ipapagawa na lang niya. Kung sa akin nangyari yun, sisirain ko ang araw nilang lahat at sisiguraduhin kong walang masaya. Pero dahil okay na okay sa 'kin yung attitude ni Bernie, nagpalit na lang ako ng swimming shorts at nagsaya-sayahan sa pool.

I do not know if she's always like that, but I saw how she reacted on that situation, and I thought that was really cool. Kasi ako pag-uwi ko, inaway ko yung kapatid ko at nagulo bigla ang bahay. Not to mention I have also been very mean to the agents calling SAG.

I call myself a good girl, not really because I am one, pero gusto ko talaga maging kasing bait ng mga tulad ni Bernie.

Ms. Lovestruck?

Lagi daw kasi akong kinikilig.

I remember an agent who got awarded as "Ms. Padlock" because she got accused by the company of stealing a padlock!

But I think it's cute. I really don't take it negatively.

Happy Thoughts

TL Chester noticed that if we are in a good mood, it reflects in our performance. So just like Adam Sandler in Happy Gilmore, maybe we can think of our own "happy place" to brighten up our moods.

Languange coach AJ made me write all my spiels in a paper (How may I help you today?, etc) and to remind me to smile always, he asked me to put a smiley after each sentence. =) Naweirdohan ata siya sa smiley ko because he asked, "do you smile like that, sideways?" (AHAHAHAHA. I really thought that was funny).

The past 2 months have not been really good. The internship adjustment is hard already, and my stats didnt really cooperate to make it worst. And not to mention I am having a tough time doing ministry. I only survive because God is good.

But during the times that I get so down, and yeah, I would end up crying, there is this "happy thought" that would not fail, yeah, never fails to make me smile. If I start to dwell on that thought, my mind is slowly leaving this body and start flying to happy land. And I can totally relate to how Colbie Calliat's feeling in her song "Bubbly". Then I would start convincing God, that this makes me happy talaga and sana, one day, He'll grant me my heart's desire.

I dropped by GenCon again one time, and the word for that day was about Christian's being a messenger of hope to this pessimistic world. Two pessimists met daw and instead of shaking hands, they shook their heads. =) Now there was this guy who is starting to get bald, but there was a kid who was so optimistic, instead of thinking the guy was losing his hair, he was just gaining face. HAHA. Cute.

I notice I look better in photos if I wasnt smiling. Walang wala eh, pang high fashion kasi yung mukha ko, mas maganda pag serious. Now why do I post those silly smiling shots? Mababaw kasi ako at kayang-kaya akong patawanin nang walang effort. And I am thinking, that is how I look like most of the time. Yeah, I'm bungisngis and I LOL-K-LOL, (laugh out loud kung laugh out loud). The pastor said that Christians should be bringing sunshine to overcome the darkness of this world. I think it would be nice to be Little Miss Sunshine. Haay, but because I was gifted with a melancholic temperament, I am naturally negative. So, it takes an effort to be positive, and I am getting better at it I think. Sometimes, the "happy thoughts" help.

Internship Blues

Service Assistance Group- ito ang team na kinabibilangan ko ngayon bilang isang "isme" (SME) o Subject Matter Expert. Intern lang ako. Sa totoo lang, hindi talaga ako "expert". Minsan lang talaga, ironic ang mundo. Kung kelan ka effort na effort at kung kelan gustong-gusto mo yung isang bagay, hindi mo makuha-kuha. Pero kung kelan ka pa relaks lang, dun pa darating sa'yo. Sa kasong ito, dun ako sa pangalawa. Alam ko maraming iba na gustong-gusto itong pwesto ko ngayon, kaya hindi maintindihan ng iba kung bakit noong una eh umaayaw-ayaw pa ko. Parang sa audition yan eh, kung sinong napadaan na nga lang, siya pang nakuha. Alang-ala eh, ganun talaga kaming magaganda, mas napapansin.

Bakit nga naman hindi gugustuhin ang title na ito. Kahit intern lang, napadala na ko sa training para magconduct ng mock calls sa mga trainees. As in mock calls, dahil minock ko sila, pinaikot-ikot at tinakot-takot. Bwahaha. Biro lang. Malinis naman ang intensyon ko, gusto ko lang silang matuto. At dati, nakikinig lang ako sa mga SME's nag nagroroll-out, pero ngayon, isa na din ako sa mga nagroroll-out ng updates sa mga teams. At dun ko narealize na nakakainis pala kapag salita ka ng salita tapos yung kausap mo umiikot-ikot yung mata. Pero kasama sa titulo ang karapatang kunin ang atensyon ng agent at utusan siya ng "makinig ka". Bilang SME, nakapagfloorwalk na din ako sa nesting class, at naranasan kong pagtinginan na as if ako ang rumored na bagong teacher sa school. At pinakatrabaho namin na tumanggap ng calls galing mga agents na nanghihingi ng assistance at saluhin ang kanilang escalated calls. Alam mo yun, minsan uulitin mo lang naman yung sinabi ng agent pero mas tatanggapin ng caller kapag naggaling sa akin kasi SME ako. Woah! Bigtime diba? Gustong-gusto ko rin yung idea na, dati, hindi ako kilala sa floor, pero ngayon, sikat na ko!!! Woohoo! (kasi ata pinag-uusapan ako na bakit ako ang nakuha at hindi yung iba, hehe) Pero hindi pa iyan ang biggest perk. Sa esca, sobrang avail! Minsan ang next call mo after 20 minutes pa. Woah! Eh dati nga kapag itinutulog ko ang 15 minute break ko, malayo na ang nararating ko, nakakabalik pa ko! Ibig sabihin, kapag inaantok ako, which is, palagi, pwede ko munang ipikit ang mata ko, depende sa avail time! Wow, this is the life...

Okay, iyon yung mga pros. Syempre meron din cons. Parang news yan eh, inuna mo lang yan good, pero meron din bad.

Dumadating ako sa point na, naiisip ko, this is not working for me. Parang bagong sapatos, pinilit mong maging komportable, hinahanapan mo ng mababagayang damit, pero wala, it just doesnt fit, or out of style talaga at walang dating. Hindi ako komportable, ni hindi ako makapagfloorwalk ng taas noo. I feel so humbled, na parang, the title is too much I just can't measure up. I feel so awkward, maraming beses, pakiramdam ko, at alam ko din, nagmumukha akong tanga. Nagroroll-out ako minsan, halatang-halatang kinakabahan ako, nanginginig ang boses ko pati kamay ko, ni hindi ko kayang mag strictly EOP (English Only Policy)! One time pa, inapproach ko itong isang TL na pogi pa naman para i-pull out yung agent niya. Wala, hindi ko alam kung naintimidate lang ako dahil cute siya, pero I totally mixed up the names altogether, sabi ko, "Hi TL, I'm looking for Gary, pull out for the roll-outs". Ang pangalan ng TL ay Gary. Lalong naguluhan ang TL nang kinorek ko ang sarili ko kasi wala ata siyang agent na may pangalan na sinabi ko, pero dahil mas matalino siya kesa sa akin, nagets din niya, at nang lalapitan ko na ang agent, natapilok pa ako. Great! Talk about smooth moves. Sinadya ko talaga yung para hindi niya ko makalimutan.

My stats just proved the point even better. Nagevaluate ang TL ko ng isa kong recording, and it was an error. Buti na lang TL coaching lang iyon, at hindi external QA. We did a practical quiz, isa ako sa 3 hindi nakuha ang sagot. I was floorwalking once, and the other most experienced floorwalkers was asking me for verification, kasi nga, even though they have the most experience, I have the title naman. And there was a time, I went just blank to one of the questions. At ang customer survey ko ay mostly failing, at ang root cause, I'm too soft, I don't sound assertive and believable daw. I feel I really didnt have what it takes: product knowledge, experience, comm skills and the assertiveness to own up to being a Subject Matter Expert. I even broke down once, I couldnt hold back the tears, I did it with them around. Nung nagkaroon uli ako ng failing survey, TL even had to take me off the phone, and the rest of them were treating me like a baby, which I appreciate, but I'm not there to be a baby, I'm supposed to be there to contribute to the team. I just feel inadequate.

Sabi nang iba sa kanila, normal lang daw ang pinagdadaaanan ko, kasi naging ganito din sila. Yung isa nga daw nilagnat nung first week niya. At yung isa, was so depressed, she was crying nang walang dahilan. Pareho silang almost mag-resign. The good thing about me though, is that, I love this job, kung mawala sa akin ang posisyon, hindi guguho ang mundo ko kahit maging regular agent uli ako.

Ewan ko. Ni hindi ako nachachallenge to do even better the next time. Natatakot ako sa next time, kasi baka failing na naman. Wala siguro akong ambisyon sa buhay, tama na sa akin ang sumweldo.

Haay...this is so negative. So emo.

This could be perfect for me: Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. TIMO CRUZ, Coach Carter, 2005

But I'm just not feeling it. (hehe, parang hiphop, do you feel me? do you feel me?)

I will see in the coming days...

Out of the Boat

Praning ako about Valentines this year. Not because wala akong date, dahil sanay na 'ko dun, but because our church always hold a Valentines program every year, at dahil ako na ang youth leader, ako ang in-charge.

Sobrang busy kami last quarter ng 2008. So come 2009, medyo relax lang. Pero ang utak ko natuturta sa kaiisip. The attendance is dropping, I can't seem to get the other leaders to commit, Kuya Adong can't speak to us kasi he's coming back to his work abroad, the bible school student whos been helping us will be helping another church, and it's Feb soon, how can we put up a valentines program?

Kinumbinse ko ang sarili ko na marami naman kaming na-accomplish last year, siguro okay lang if we dont have a vday program this year. But its tradition, sampung taon walang paltos! All of a sudden, this year walang program, ako ang leader, and it's my first year!

About 3 weeks before the "doom" day, nalaman ko malilipat ako ng team (escalation), which means, I have to work harder to meet people's expectations. I like it, it feels great to be chosen, but I wasnt comfortable.

Youth ministry is so unpredictable, and no matter how I try to control it, I just can't. I can't control other people.

Pero sa trabaho, papasok lang ako, huwag malelate, tapusin ang araw. Shaky man ang YM, basta okay ako sa work, I will live. Afterall, it's hard to accomplish something if your without a job or finances, right?

My job, the pay I get, and my team, is my comfort zone and that's how it is supposed to be because YM is unstable.

So being in the esca team and trying something new, I felt, was not a good idea. I like to grow, it's good to grow, but not now.

I tried to talk my TL out of it. Honestly, wala akong lakas para tanggihan ito, because it's an opportunity. Naisip ko, torete ako, and I might make decisions out of fear. If TL would think I shouldnt do it because I was half-hearted, then that's it, I'd take it as from God. But as of the time of writing, nakaka-isang buwan na ko sa bagong team.

I had my ups and downs. But in the end, we managed to have a Valentines program. And the melancholic, critical and perfectionist me, would say, it wasn't so bad. In fact, it's not bad at all! (imagine Simon Cowell saying this)

Leadership is hard. It may be the hardest thing I ever tried so far. Sobrang inis, nasabi ko pa one time na nagkaletse-letse ang buhay ko dahil sa leadership na ito. I am not a bad person, sa palagay ko =). As much as possible, I tried to do the right thing. But I can't go any higher, because the load is pulling me down. But one thing I cannot deny, sa lahat ng panahon na nahirapan ako, God always provided what we needed.

Our Pastor's wife told me that when Peter was walking on the water towards Jesus, he sank because he got scared of the waves, and Jesus scolded him saying he didnt have enough faith. But out of the 12, he was the only who one dared stepped out of the boat.

Same thing with me, I get discouraged because I look at the physical things. I can either, stay comfortable in the boat, or come out in faith, believing each Sunday will be better than the last.

Another thing that encouraged me was the verse I read: 1 Thes. 5:16, Always be joyful. Keep on praying. No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. My happiness should not be dependent on my circumstances. Good or bad, the bible says "always be joyful".

Snow Men (and Women)

Nalipat na ko ng team, so kahit too late na i-post, here's one of my nice remembrances from Team Chester. These are our station decor last Christmas season.

Kuya Ronald

Fred

Bernie

Sharon

Billy

Arlene

Jackie

Cheryl

And the winner is...

Rocky, aka...


Farish Hilton =)

Mj's snowman is camera shy and TL didn't have his own.

I will miss these guys.

I won a coffee maker

I won a coffee maker in our office raffle. But I have a little secret. Prior to that, I didnt really want to win. Why? I dunno, it has something to do with being the center of attention. A lot of people are watching and anticipating who's name will be called out to win...say...an electric fan! And there something about it that makes me feel, people are ridiculing the whole thing. The winner gets to be made fun of, and bring home something for it. So I had this attitude na, "inyo na lang 'yan!" And everytime a name is about to be called out again, I was crossing my fingers, praying, "sana hindi ako, sana hindi ako." Hehe, seriously. Talk about anti-social no? At ayoko namang bastusin ang grasya, pero, couldnt they pick a nicer prize? There's nothing cool in bringing home an electric fan, or a Pensonic TV.

Then one raffle time, we were having a little coaching time with TL and some teamates and not really minding the raffle going on. Actually that time, I had a lot of additional raffle stubs, like 12 of them, but I didnt drop them in the drop box. Has to do with not wanting to win. Then in the middle of our team coaching I heard the announcer say our team's name. Sabi ko pa, "Team Chester daw." Then the announcer said, "Si Raquel". Ang bilis. Split second. Casually, my TL and I walked over the raffle area to claim my prize. I was thinking, "This is it. Ito na ba yun? Is this really happening to me?" I needed to pick out an envelope so they know what prize I get to win. Parang double-raffle. Double jeopardy. Double-dead. Tapos picture taking, and the winner has to model the prize. So picture me, all smiles, showing off my new coffee maker. =) Rock on!

Kasing bilis nangyari, ganun din kabilis natapos. Ganun lang pala yun, and the experience wasnt as dreadful as I thought. It really wasnt so bad at all! Para lang pala akong batang takot sa bakuna, because the needle spells pain, pero after the injection, parang kagat lang ng langgam. My TL being there with me has a lot to do with it. Parang bakuna din, takot ka, but if you're mom or dad is with you, you don't get as scared. Ganun lang pala yun, I was thinking. After that, I was hoping sana yung DVD player ang nakuha ko. Parang batang takot sa Anchor's Away, pero after the experience, hoping sana sa Space Shuttle sumakay.

When I became an adult and started to take my life seriously, I started being on the safe side. I wonder, what next "ganun lang pala yun" moment I will have, and how many of them I will get in the future, if only I will get out of my comfort zone.

Hindi naman namin nagagamit sa bahay yung coffeemaker. I just know my nanay is the happiest with me winning that.

Start pa lang ng shift yesterday, hindi pa umiinit ang puwet ko sa upuan, I heard something that's not only bad, it's something that can make my world fall apart. I tried to keep my cool on the outside, but inside, nawalan ako ng gana. I needed focus sa work and I couldnt do that then, so kung magpapauwi, uuwi na ko. At dahil nakikisama sakin ang mundo, syempre, walang available na ATO so hindi din ako nakauwi.

It might have been our last time together as a team because of the reshuffle so we had a team building in a place nearby and everyone was there, kasama yung iba from the other team. When some people get drunk, they get emo, they talk a lot, and have fun. I grabbed my teammate's digicam and started taking stolen photos of them to capture the moment. And I took great pictures worthy to be on friendster. I couldnt help looking at people, in groups, talking seriously, venting out. And there was this guy who all of a sudden, across the table, with his hand stretched out pointing at me, asked "what's your last name?" Nanginginig ako pero sinagot ko siya. He added, "You know, you're very observant. Napapansin ko kanina mo pa ko tinitingnan." And this is coming from a guy, who is maangas na kapag hindi lasing, imaginin mo na lang ano siya kung lasing na, like how he was at that moment. I really felt violated at that time, like, hey, lasing ka, lalaki ka, ako babae, and you're going to talk to me like that in front of all of these people? Can you be a little bit gentle to me? I even felt I would cry and I wanted to run home at that moment, dahil baka hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili ko, matingnan ko uli siya, and the next thing I knew, binato na niya ko ng bote sa mukha. Sabi ko sa katabi ko, "badtrip naman, ang saya-saya kanina, mukhang uuwi ako ng masama ang loob ah." "Ikaw kasi, tingin ka ng tingin eh", sabi niya. Sinisi pa ko.

I refused to have a bad day, I asked my TL, "TL, nagalit ba siya sa'kin?" Wala daw yun sabi niya, pero nahalata niya siguro na I was taking it seriously, at naiiyak na ko, tinawag niya yung guy who happens to be his close friend. "Hoy, tinakot mo!"

"Uy wala yun, Ms. (last name here)" sabi nitong si guy. "I just notice you are very observant, and that's good. Matatalino yung taong ganyan."

And I heard the angels sing, Hallelujah.

Some say I'm smart, because I can pick up easily, I can give the right answer. By the book smart. That was the 2nd time someone said that about me. That I'm intelligent because I'm observant.

Nga pala, yung unang nagsabi nun naguulyanin na ngayon. =)

At hindi nga pala kami naalis sa team. And I had the chance to tell my TL that, I thought this time, reshuffle na talaga, and I was preparing for that moment na I could thank him, and tell him that, at first, I see him as happy-go-lucky guy. When he wasnt my TL yet, I never approached him for help because to me, he was the kind of guy who would give me the attitude. But when I got to know him better, I now know he is more than I made him out to be.

Nga pala, the thing I heard at the start of the shift that almost ruined my day doesn't have anything to do with reshuffling the team (because I heard about it the day before).

At the end of the day, atleast I didnt go home with a D- day.

Get Yourself Together, Girl!

Last Monday it poured so hard the route I was taking was flooded and it was so traffic, I was late at work and so are some of my colleagues. It normally takes 15 minutes to get from Tikling to Junction, but that floody night it took me 2 hours! I guess that's still okay, that's beyond my control. But I was also 20 minutes over lunch, because I overslept. Sobrang antok I must have just turned off the alarm when it went on, and went back to sleep. Nagising ako nagriring phone ko, I thought it was the alarm, but oh no, it was my TL calling me. I knew what that meant right away.

After a few minutes, TL asked if I wanted to go home, I said yes. Authorized time-out = undertime= underpaid.

Okay, it wasnt so bad. Though I went overlunch, atleast I showed up to work. Late is better than absent. I was convincing myself. But I still didn't feel right about it. I knew I wasnt being the best I can be. Lately, all I was looking forward to was my break so I can sip hot choco and lunch so I can sleep zzzzzzz (snore here). And oh, not to forget, I was always glancing at my Tl's station waiting for him to call out "guys, press aux meeting, aux coaching, aux training, aux petiks." In short, I didn't really want to work anymore.

Going home in the wee hours of the night, I was thinking why TL asked me if I wanted to avail the ATO. Why me, why not my other teammates? I was paranoid, I was starting to think TL was pissed off at me, he was getting irritated at the sight of me and he had to get rid of me! Or maybe, I just looked so 'tinatamad' and uninterested to him, when there was an ATO slot up for grabs he thought I might be interested.

I admit losing interest and enthusiasm. But thinking about getting a new job, elsewhere, maybe not. This place is a blessing to me and I have taken that for granted.

I gotta get myself together. I cannot pride on being a striving good girl without being a diligent worker.

On wearing green and eating kornik

Unlike most call-centers, we are required to wear business casual Mon-Thurs, and we go dress-down Fri-Sun. But once in a while, may dressdown for fundraising. This month, we can go dress down as long as our top is green or yellow, and pay P10. (Last month its red or pink, for Valentines).

I wore all green this week.

Hanggang Thursday lang dahil 4 na araw lang pasok ng team namin this week (at last week) kasi we take calls for 10 hrs instead of the regular 7.5hrs. Haay...grabe ang sched na ito. Imagine taking calls for 5 hrs straight before your next break. Today its even 6 hrs! Kahit bawal, ngumangata ako ng boy bawang or dingdong sa station, panlaban sa antok at boredom, sabay lagok ng coke panlaban sa antok! Yari ang atay at bato ko nito.

Next week its back to 5 day/week sched but our sched is 8pm-5am. Yoko ng sched na 'to. Parang ang ikli ng pahinga, lagi akong naghahabol, wala kang mapanood sa primetime bida, log-out ka ng 5am pero uuwi ka ng 7am dahil sa mga roll-outs at meeting, kaya tulog ka agad pag-uwi pero gising ng tanghaling tapat dahil sa init at hindi ka na makatulog! So makakatulog na ko ng late in the afternoon, at gigising ng quarter to 7. Tatamaring pumasok dahil antok pa, maghahabol sa oras, papasok ng late, at uulit ang cycle.

The old me would not like this life. But I have learned to live with it, and get used to it. I am so blessed to have this work to complain, diba? I got to work, because I spend. And looking forward to the things Im able to do and get because I have this job motivates me. Kaya I can still keep going.

Wala pa kong tulog pero okay lang, wala kong pasok mamaya. Lord, thank You!

Transform me

Kakapagod magtake ng calls 10 hrs a day. Last caller ko pa Indian call center agent...I lost my temper. Well hindi na bago yun. I had this reputation na galit ako sa Indian. Hindi ako racist. Yoko lang talaga nakakakuha ng caller ng call center agent din tapos Indian. Panira ng AHT (average handling time). Sulit call yang mga yan. We can assist them with 3 members per call, sasagarin talaga nila. Minsan hihirit pa ng pang-apat o panglima. And they would ask everything. Okay lang kung madali sila intindihin, kaso hindi. Di mo na nga maintindihan, ang bilis pang magsalita, pabulong naman ang boses. So you would keep on asking them to repeat what they said. At ganun din naman sila. Hindi rin sila madaling makaintindi. Papaulitin ka din. Paulit ulit talaga. Tinanong na niya at nasagot mo na, maya-maya itatanong uli. Rewind ito?

Yung katabi kong si Apol tells me a funny story from the movie Transformers. I havent seen it pero the way she tells it tawang-tawa na ko. There was a guy daw sa gitna ng gera who called up 911 but his call got transferred sa Indian rep. Natataranta na siyang nanghihingi ng backup, parang wala lang sa call center na busy picking his nose. Nagagalit na yung caller, sabi ng rep "that attitude won't speed up the process." They can't seem to get through each other, maya-maya nag-upsell na lang 'tong si call center rep. =) Nasa gitna siya ng gera bebentahan pa siya.

Sabi ko nga, I have nothing against Indians. It just so happens, kayang-kaya nila akong inisin, lumalabas tuloy ang totoo kong kulay. As much as I want to be sweet and nice, nasasagad talaga pasensiya ko at nagtatransform ako into a green monster. I do not like that. Totoo. It's not attractive. I really want to work it out. I want to be gentle and patient. I want to be easy to be with. I want to live a changed life kasi, if not, how different am I sa ibang hindi alam kung ano ang "fruit of the spirit".

Its not easy pero I will be more conscious and watch myself, my words and my eyebrows. =)

Matamis ang tagumpay

Absent ako kahapon, Lunes pa naman. Ayoko kasi mag-costume ng britney spears (may ganong factor kasi), at, at, masakit talaga lalamunan ko (oo, totoo un, walang biro). SObra talaga akong down, feeling ko katapusan ko na. Feeling ko failure na naman. Muntik na ko magprint out ng resignation letter. Eh si enna, sabi ubusin ko na lang daw ung points ko. ngaun 5 points na ko. Hanggang 8 lang. meron pang 3 points. cige lang.

Pagpasok ko ngayong Martes, wow, pasok ako sa top-15. Ang ranking? Pang 15! Hehe, nakasabit. Konting alugin lang ang standing tiyak laglag ako eh. Wow, sweet victory tlaga. Three-five yun sa next friday! At, meron na naman akong national monitor (yung call na na-monitored ng mga taga States). Nakakainis! 96 lang naman.