Out of the Boat

Praning ako about Valentines this year. Not because wala akong date, dahil sanay na 'ko dun, but because our church always hold a Valentines program every year, at dahil ako na ang youth leader, ako ang in-charge.

Sobrang busy kami last quarter ng 2008. So come 2009, medyo relax lang. Pero ang utak ko natuturta sa kaiisip. The attendance is dropping, I can't seem to get the other leaders to commit, Kuya Adong can't speak to us kasi he's coming back to his work abroad, the bible school student whos been helping us will be helping another church, and it's Feb soon, how can we put up a valentines program?

Kinumbinse ko ang sarili ko na marami naman kaming na-accomplish last year, siguro okay lang if we dont have a vday program this year. But its tradition, sampung taon walang paltos! All of a sudden, this year walang program, ako ang leader, and it's my first year!

About 3 weeks before the "doom" day, nalaman ko malilipat ako ng team (escalation), which means, I have to work harder to meet people's expectations. I like it, it feels great to be chosen, but I wasnt comfortable.

Youth ministry is so unpredictable, and no matter how I try to control it, I just can't. I can't control other people.

Pero sa trabaho, papasok lang ako, huwag malelate, tapusin ang araw. Shaky man ang YM, basta okay ako sa work, I will live. Afterall, it's hard to accomplish something if your without a job or finances, right?

My job, the pay I get, and my team, is my comfort zone and that's how it is supposed to be because YM is unstable.

So being in the esca team and trying something new, I felt, was not a good idea. I like to grow, it's good to grow, but not now.

I tried to talk my TL out of it. Honestly, wala akong lakas para tanggihan ito, because it's an opportunity. Naisip ko, torete ako, and I might make decisions out of fear. If TL would think I shouldnt do it because I was half-hearted, then that's it, I'd take it as from God. But as of the time of writing, nakaka-isang buwan na ko sa bagong team.

I had my ups and downs. But in the end, we managed to have a Valentines program. And the melancholic, critical and perfectionist me, would say, it wasn't so bad. In fact, it's not bad at all! (imagine Simon Cowell saying this)

Leadership is hard. It may be the hardest thing I ever tried so far. Sobrang inis, nasabi ko pa one time na nagkaletse-letse ang buhay ko dahil sa leadership na ito. I am not a bad person, sa palagay ko =). As much as possible, I tried to do the right thing. But I can't go any higher, because the load is pulling me down. But one thing I cannot deny, sa lahat ng panahon na nahirapan ako, God always provided what we needed.

Our Pastor's wife told me that when Peter was walking on the water towards Jesus, he sank because he got scared of the waves, and Jesus scolded him saying he didnt have enough faith. But out of the 12, he was the only who one dared stepped out of the boat.

Same thing with me, I get discouraged because I look at the physical things. I can either, stay comfortable in the boat, or come out in faith, believing each Sunday will be better than the last.

Another thing that encouraged me was the verse I read: 1 Thes. 5:16, Always be joyful. Keep on praying. No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. My happiness should not be dependent on my circumstances. Good or bad, the bible says "always be joyful".