Third Place

Today is a weekend. Instead of heading home after my shift ended earlier, I went up to our nap room and got some rest. I woke up at about lunch time and went to Powerbooks in Greenbelt 4. I began scanning some books and happened to read about seeking out a third place - a public venue where you can "stand outside yourself and get some perspective". 

And then I thought, I am in a third place.

It sure is relaxing. I should do that more often.

One that got away

Out of the blue, binasa ko ulit yung old exchanges namin nitong guy na 'to who I was sorta flirting with back then. Benta pa din, nakakakatawa pa din at nakakakilig. Noon, I was thinking wala lang siyang magawa and maybe getting me to fall for him was a good challenge. He was a hot a guy and I cannot believe these exchanges actually happened. Pogi-popular-kind of jerk, a "huh! guy" sabi nga ng friend ko (emphasis on silent T). I remember I was putting on these walls. I was on guard, acting cool but always defensive. It wasn't fear of getting hurt. I've cried about boys many times before, I knew it was part of it. It was paranoia of being lead on. I was insecure. I needed him to prove he was sincere and to me he was falling short. Kulang pa. Kulang pa.

It has been about 2 years ago. He's now married for a while and we're okay. Not great friends but I'm sure we wish each other well. Reading our old exchanges now is like seeing it from the point of view of an outsider. As if reading a novel, I see the guy really likes the girl. Bummer. How could I have not seen that? Aaahh...I put on blindfolds. That's a shame.

Apart from being effortlessly good looking, he was also kind of smart and passionate. He was all these but to me he was a bad boy. Today, he's been attending church and growing in faith. Iniimagine ko how we could have been with him like that. We could work.:) But I didn't believe it back then. He is now turning into a better man and seeing that makes me want to beat myself in the head.

It's not that I am coveting, desiring someone's husband. I am actually happy that he is living a better story. He is a living proof that deep inside ppl desire to be better and God continues to pursue and change ppl who would let Him.

It's just that I keep doing this mistake to this day. I should learn.

We had a little chat about my dating life one time. He gave me unsolicited advices, I began to doubt his motive. Kasal na siya nito and he was not flirting at all.  There was nothing in it for him so nagtaka ako why he was saying these things. He told me to be approachable and keep wearing my red lipstick. As he goes on, he sounded like he just wants to help me find a guy. I began to see that this person just genuinely wants to be kind to me.  Dahil walang malisya, I began to warm up and just be myself. I used to talk to him like it was always a mind game but now it was just as if I was talking to a friend. I realized, we people need to work on our ability to receive the love and care other people  give. If a person is kind to us, iniisip kaagad natin kung anong balak. Kapag binibigyan tayo ng pabor, tinatanggihan natin kasi baka may kapalit. Pwede naman sigurong mabait lang talaga siya. If a person says he likes you, maybe he really does. 

I honestly don't think there are many people like me when it comes to this. Some people are comfortable with receiving attention and affection from others. Some even fish for it, check out your fb feeds. But to those who are like me, here's one usapang lasing for you. We can try to be the best we can be but at the end of the day people's opinion of us is beyond our control. If di nila tayo bet, that's not great I guess but we can learn to be okay with that. But if someone likes you, for the love of Mongolia, don't avoid him because he is Xiam Lim. Don't punish him for being a great human being just because you can't measure up. Don't be cold, don't be rude, don't be weird. You may get awkward, that can't be helped sometimes, but be gracious nonetheless. Doubt your doubts (huh?). By that I mean, I guess it's natural to doubt so I can't really say don't do it. But it could also mean that you're not only doubting the person, you're doubting yourself. Of all the people, why you? Well why not? If a person thinks you're amazing, maybe you are.

We cannot let all of them get away.

Let the poor say I am rich

With the exception of wasting food with my leftovers (I am now working on this), I can say that I was pretty proud of myself with how I managed my money over the years. But something challenged my beliefs on this. Let me tell you a little story.

Growing up, my parents made sure we get to eat decent healthy meals, and my nanay wouldnt want us wearing ugly clothes. She wanted us to look presentable. I remember she would want us to wear those dresses but I didn't want them. I opted wearing those matching tshirts and shorts, paired with high-cut sneakers.  I also remember that back then, there were 2 families na unang nagkaroon ng kuryente sa village namin, one of those was us. We were caretakers of this property own by my father's boss and he made sure we get to have electricity . So I don't think we were kawawa when we were growing up. But we were definitely not rich. I don't want to shame my parents because I know they made sure to give us the best. Pero kung dadaanin sa technicality, our family income falls under the poor category.

My ate got to attend kindergarten in a private catholic school because our father's boss paid for her tuition. One time, they had a school activity where a parent has to go and I was too little to be alone at home so Nanay took me with her.  We were seating together at the bleachers and I heard my sister say this to our mother: "Nay, kunwari ang tawag ko sa'yo Mommy". I was only 5 years old then but I knew what was going on. I myself would call her mommy around those kids even if I don't go to that school. Well, I never got to attend kindergarten. I went straight to grade one in a public school, and I called Nanay as Mommy when I was in grade 3. My sister and I got to attend private high schools only because we were scholars. This was my turn to be around rich kids. I didn't have many clothes and cool stuff so this was how I learned to save money. Titipirin ko yung allowance ko so I can save money and then I'd buy clothes and stuff. Maybe I knew I was not cut out to be a trendsetter, pero gusto ko makisabay. I would sometimes buy the exact same stuff my classmates have and this was how I got to be called G.I.Joe, short for "great imitator". I hate highschool. Chos.

Looking at these stories one can say that I had the makings of a future social climber. Maybe. But something changed. The summer before I stepped into 2nd year college, our family faced a really terrible financial crisis because both our parents didn't have work. It got to as bad us not having food to eat. Our next meal would either be given to us, or utang. Now we attend this church built on this huge property of land with trees and plants including "gabi", yung ginagamit sa paggawa ng laing? I saw some of them with big leaves at walang pumapansin (or so I thought), so I went there one afternoon, harvested the root (the "gabi"), boiled it at home and shared it to the family. I have only told this story to two people, I think. They seemed to have warmed up to me after hearing this, one of them even shared her own story.

So this was how I grew up. This was how I learned to value money and be content with simple things. Isn't that what the Bible says? Not to love material things. I spend on branded clothes and shoes only because I am practical. Mas matibay kasi at dahil maayos ang pagkakagawa mas proud akong isuot. I don't always buy but because I am masinop I have accumulated a few good pieces over the years. I change phones every 2-3 years, and I don't buy the high end ones. I allot a budget for vacations, going out and other things. But if it's outside the budget, it means I don't get to go, I don't get to buy. This discipline makes me feel dignified. 

I was at the Glorietta-Greenbelt area one time at inabutan ako ng lunch time so I looked for a place to eat. Kakasweldo lang namin so I had money, but I was looking for a value meal. Then I began to question myself. What was I doing? I could tecnically afford to eat at the most expensive place there (then endure immense hunger for the rest of the month), but I wouldn't. To me it was wrong. Walang masama sa value meal and yeah, it was not practical to blow my entire salary on a meal but the issue was my reasoning behind it. I didn't feel it was right for me to splurge money on a meal the same way fat women feel about skimpy clothes.  I see myself as a poor person. And it was okay. Tanggap kong mahirap ako. But in my head I began to think, "I am a child of a rich God, I'm not poor. Am I?"

I realized I was not as noble as I thought. I've got poverty mentality and something is not right with this as it reveals how I see God. I believe he owns everything and He is powerful. I see him as a provider, but I don't really see him as a blesser. I am limiting Him because of how I see Him. This also reveals where my trust is. By managing my money I was not really trusting God. I was putting my  trust on how I handle my money.

Life taught us to ask for our needs and daydream for our wants. "Bigyan Niyo po kami ng aming kakanin, salamat po kung pati luho namin ibibigay Niyo rin". I heard in a few church sermons that for the children of God this is not the way to go. We are heirs with Christ, we are welcome to ask boldly and confidently. Pastor Juray Mora says to go as far as God wants us to go. How do we know that? By letting Him deal with our hearts about it. If He is a Father He will deal with our hearts. 

Sometimes when I spend I still feel as though I was being raped. I would feel bad and ask forgiveness from God for being waldas. Hindi naman ako nagnanakaw ako or nandadaya to accumulate wealth, but I feel as one of those enslaved by money. Pwede kong isipin na magagalit ang Diyos if I spend for the things I like. This is still new to me, I am still taking it in. I think it's not wrong to be mindful of how I spend, but I should check my motivation. Do I really want to please God with my money or do I fear scarcity would one day come upon me? I'm still in the stage of constantly reminding myself that I am a child of the CEO, I will never lack because my Father is more than willing to provide for me.

E.R.

(written 1/7/2014)

I knew bad things are possible to happen in 2014 but I did not expect it to happen so soon. This morning, nakagat ako ng tuta, yung anak ni Clay na binigay na namin sa kapitbahay pero bumabalik pa din sa 'min minsan. Hassle, sure. But what makes it worse was that galing ako sa shift and wala pa 'kong tulog. Dapat natutulog na 'ko pero dahil inabutan ko ng pagkain ang nangungulit na tuta, eto ang napala ko. 

So I rushed to the nearest hospital and I was advised to go to the emergency. I told the guy in scrubs that I was there because of dog bite and he took my health card and asked me to take a seat. "Saan ka nakagat? I heard someone else asked. I looked at him and it was from a pretty boy sitting at his desk wearing a white blazer - the doctor. I knew it, I felt it, I am pretty sure my face brighten up at that moment. You know the shy smile - look down the floor kind of thing girls do? That happened. Maybe the other staff noticed I just fell in love right there, it's embarassing. I showed the doctor the wound on my hinlalaki, just above the nail. Then I thought that the best thing I did the day before was get a manicure. Siguro kaya din ako nahiya was because the wound was super tiny. If ever there were bully doctors they would say "ohh, you should worry for your life, this spreads pretty fast." But he didn't. He just said "oo nga no" when he saw my small but terrible wound. My chair was beside his desk and I knew, mako-conscious na 'ko. All of a sudden I didn't want to move. I was pretty sure I stank, I could smell myself. So I pretended that he was Bilbo Baggins with the ring on and I couldn't see him. No, there was no one there. Because I can't look at him. If he catches me looking at him I know I will break out into shy giggles, and then the blushing will happen. I did check out his white blazer though. And his fingers too. I wanted to know his name and see if he is married. Yeah yeah, I went that far. Well, I learned he is a Christian! His name, at least. And he doesnt have a ring. :)

While waiting I thought about checking my phone but I realized I left it at home, which may not be a bad thing really. Because I promise you I thought about posting a photo in Instagram. Imagine a patient taking pictures of the emergency room. I might have done that, but I didnt have a phone. So instead, I took out a pen and started writing these notes on a Meralco bill envelope. I wanted to impress the doctor, I wanted for him to find me weird. "That's right Doctor McDreamy, I am scribbling notes and it's all about you".

There was this staff, a girl, who walked up to him to ask his help in reading a prescription or a note and he read it as "santa claus", jokingly. It was supposed to be scoliosis or something. The girl laughed. I laughed inside. Any girl will laugh at his terrible attempts to be funny.  

May kamukha siyang artista pero hindi ko maisip kong sino. Then it hit me - Gerard Anderson. No kidding. Hospitals should have good looking emergency doctors. They help patients feel better, almost instantly.  

Goodbye 2013, Hello 2014

2013 for me has been a year of closed doors and new beginnings, of trying and failing, of healing and moving on, of learning and appreciating new things, of giving away and letting go, of waiting, of stepping out of comfort zones, of building and creating, of dreaming new dreams, bigger dreams.

It was a tough and challenging year. I used to be this annoying jolly person but this year, something sucked the life out of me and before I know it, I am now this grumpy old maid. In 2014, that's what I'm gonna be working on - to be positive and excited about life again.

I listened again to some songs I got to know last year and I must say they brought back some feelings. These are beautiful songs but they carry memories with them. And they're not always happy, say for example the ones I was listening around the time Ate Tita passed away. It was a sad time and I remembered how it felt. 

Then a thought hit me. Sana this year someone or something happens that will introduce me to new songs. I'm ready for some new ones. Songs that are just as beautiful, just as meaningful.

I should add that 2014 is gonna be the best year ever. I want it to be the best year. But the truth is I don't know that. What I do know is this - life is never trouble-free but we are not meant to be losers, defeated by our circumstances. The Lord promises victory in any situation for His children.