Out of the blue, binasa ko ulit yung old exchanges namin nitong guy na 'to who I was sorta flirting with back then. Benta pa din, nakakakatawa pa din at nakakakilig. Noon, I was thinking wala lang siyang magawa and maybe getting me to fall for him was a good challenge. He was a hot a guy and I cannot believe these exchanges actually happened. Pogi-popular-kind of jerk, a "huh! guy" sabi nga ng friend ko (emphasis on silent T). I remember I was putting on these walls. I was on guard, acting cool but always defensive. It wasn't fear of getting hurt. I've cried about boys many times before, I knew it was part of it. It was paranoia of being lead on. I was insecure. I needed him to prove he was sincere and to me he was falling short. Kulang pa. Kulang pa.
It has been about 2 years ago. He's now married for a while and we're okay. Not great friends but I'm sure we wish each other well. Reading our old exchanges now is like seeing it from the point of view of an outsider. As if reading a novel, I see the guy really likes the girl. Bummer. How could I have not seen that? Aaahh...I put on blindfolds. That's a shame.
Apart from being effortlessly good looking, he was also kind of smart and passionate. He was all these but to me he was a bad boy. Today, he's been attending church and growing in faith. Iniimagine ko how we could have been with him like that. We could work.:) But I didn't believe it back then. He is now turning into a better man and seeing that makes me want to beat myself in the head.
It's not that I am coveting, desiring someone's husband. I am actually happy that he is living a better story. He is a living proof that deep inside ppl desire to be better and God continues to pursue and change ppl who would let Him.
It's just that I keep doing this mistake to this day. I should learn.
We had a little chat about my dating life one time. He gave me unsolicited advices, I began to doubt his motive. Kasal na siya nito and he was not flirting at all. There was nothing in it for him so nagtaka ako why he was saying these things. He told me to be approachable and keep wearing my red lipstick. As he goes on, he sounded like he just wants to help me find a guy. I began to see that this person just genuinely wants to be kind to me. Dahil walang malisya, I began to warm up and just be myself. I used to talk to him like it was always a mind game but now it was just as if I was talking to a friend. I realized, we people need to work on our ability to receive the love and care other people give. If a person is kind to us, iniisip kaagad natin kung anong balak. Kapag binibigyan tayo ng pabor, tinatanggihan natin kasi baka may kapalit. Pwede naman sigurong mabait lang talaga siya. If a person says he likes you, maybe he really does.
I honestly don't think there are many people like me when it comes to this. Some people are comfortable with receiving attention and affection from others. Some even fish for it, check out your fb feeds. But to those who are like me, here's one usapang lasing for you. We can try to be the best we can be but at the end of the day people's opinion of us is beyond our control. If di nila tayo bet, that's not great I guess but we can learn to be okay with that. But if someone likes you, for the love of Mongolia, don't avoid him because he is Xiam Lim. Don't punish him for being a great human being just because you can't measure up. Don't be cold, don't be rude, don't be weird. You may get awkward, that can't be helped sometimes, but be gracious nonetheless. Doubt your doubts (huh?). By that I mean, I guess it's natural to doubt so I can't really say don't do it. But it could also mean that you're not only doubting the person, you're doubting yourself. Of all the people, why you? Well why not? If a person thinks you're amazing, maybe you are.
We cannot let all of them get away.
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