Let the poor say I am rich

With the exception of wasting food with my leftovers (I am now working on this), I can say that I was pretty proud of myself with how I managed my money over the years. But something challenged my beliefs on this. Let me tell you a little story.

Growing up, my parents made sure we get to eat decent healthy meals, and my nanay wouldnt want us wearing ugly clothes. She wanted us to look presentable. I remember she would want us to wear those dresses but I didn't want them. I opted wearing those matching tshirts and shorts, paired with high-cut sneakers.  I also remember that back then, there were 2 families na unang nagkaroon ng kuryente sa village namin, one of those was us. We were caretakers of this property own by my father's boss and he made sure we get to have electricity . So I don't think we were kawawa when we were growing up. But we were definitely not rich. I don't want to shame my parents because I know they made sure to give us the best. Pero kung dadaanin sa technicality, our family income falls under the poor category.

My ate got to attend kindergarten in a private catholic school because our father's boss paid for her tuition. One time, they had a school activity where a parent has to go and I was too little to be alone at home so Nanay took me with her.  We were seating together at the bleachers and I heard my sister say this to our mother: "Nay, kunwari ang tawag ko sa'yo Mommy". I was only 5 years old then but I knew what was going on. I myself would call her mommy around those kids even if I don't go to that school. Well, I never got to attend kindergarten. I went straight to grade one in a public school, and I called Nanay as Mommy when I was in grade 3. My sister and I got to attend private high schools only because we were scholars. This was my turn to be around rich kids. I didn't have many clothes and cool stuff so this was how I learned to save money. Titipirin ko yung allowance ko so I can save money and then I'd buy clothes and stuff. Maybe I knew I was not cut out to be a trendsetter, pero gusto ko makisabay. I would sometimes buy the exact same stuff my classmates have and this was how I got to be called G.I.Joe, short for "great imitator". I hate highschool. Chos.

Looking at these stories one can say that I had the makings of a future social climber. Maybe. But something changed. The summer before I stepped into 2nd year college, our family faced a really terrible financial crisis because both our parents didn't have work. It got to as bad us not having food to eat. Our next meal would either be given to us, or utang. Now we attend this church built on this huge property of land with trees and plants including "gabi", yung ginagamit sa paggawa ng laing? I saw some of them with big leaves at walang pumapansin (or so I thought), so I went there one afternoon, harvested the root (the "gabi"), boiled it at home and shared it to the family. I have only told this story to two people, I think. They seemed to have warmed up to me after hearing this, one of them even shared her own story.

So this was how I grew up. This was how I learned to value money and be content with simple things. Isn't that what the Bible says? Not to love material things. I spend on branded clothes and shoes only because I am practical. Mas matibay kasi at dahil maayos ang pagkakagawa mas proud akong isuot. I don't always buy but because I am masinop I have accumulated a few good pieces over the years. I change phones every 2-3 years, and I don't buy the high end ones. I allot a budget for vacations, going out and other things. But if it's outside the budget, it means I don't get to go, I don't get to buy. This discipline makes me feel dignified. 

I was at the Glorietta-Greenbelt area one time at inabutan ako ng lunch time so I looked for a place to eat. Kakasweldo lang namin so I had money, but I was looking for a value meal. Then I began to question myself. What was I doing? I could tecnically afford to eat at the most expensive place there (then endure immense hunger for the rest of the month), but I wouldn't. To me it was wrong. Walang masama sa value meal and yeah, it was not practical to blow my entire salary on a meal but the issue was my reasoning behind it. I didn't feel it was right for me to splurge money on a meal the same way fat women feel about skimpy clothes.  I see myself as a poor person. And it was okay. Tanggap kong mahirap ako. But in my head I began to think, "I am a child of a rich God, I'm not poor. Am I?"

I realized I was not as noble as I thought. I've got poverty mentality and something is not right with this as it reveals how I see God. I believe he owns everything and He is powerful. I see him as a provider, but I don't really see him as a blesser. I am limiting Him because of how I see Him. This also reveals where my trust is. By managing my money I was not really trusting God. I was putting my  trust on how I handle my money.

Life taught us to ask for our needs and daydream for our wants. "Bigyan Niyo po kami ng aming kakanin, salamat po kung pati luho namin ibibigay Niyo rin". I heard in a few church sermons that for the children of God this is not the way to go. We are heirs with Christ, we are welcome to ask boldly and confidently. Pastor Juray Mora says to go as far as God wants us to go. How do we know that? By letting Him deal with our hearts about it. If He is a Father He will deal with our hearts. 

Sometimes when I spend I still feel as though I was being raped. I would feel bad and ask forgiveness from God for being waldas. Hindi naman ako nagnanakaw ako or nandadaya to accumulate wealth, but I feel as one of those enslaved by money. Pwede kong isipin na magagalit ang Diyos if I spend for the things I like. This is still new to me, I am still taking it in. I think it's not wrong to be mindful of how I spend, but I should check my motivation. Do I really want to please God with my money or do I fear scarcity would one day come upon me? I'm still in the stage of constantly reminding myself that I am a child of the CEO, I will never lack because my Father is more than willing to provide for me.