I Love You All

Meron akong officemate, na kapag may ayaw siya, she is not afraid to let it show and wala siyang paki kung may makapansin. Kunwari may nagbiro sa kanya and hindi niya trip yung joke, she won't even make an effort to be a good sport. She would pretend not hearing anything, won't make a reaction, at kami na lang na mga tumawa ang maiilang at mapapahiya. I get wowed by that sometimes, na ang cool nun and sana minsan ganun din ako. I am talking about being true to how you feel and not feeling a need to apologize for it. 

Naalala ko 'to kasi I had a recent incident of being annoyed but I was finding myself making an effort to fake that I am okay. I signed up to join this small group in church and there was this girl na nakakailang kasi ang gulo. While I introduced myself, she giggled and made these little movements that were so distracting I remember feeling disrespected. Her turn to talk came around and in my head I was saying "I don't like you". I was also thinking of not coming back next week. Then I got this thought - I cannot keep doing this, shutting people out because of what I thought of them. As the session rolled around, I saw how she interrupted the others too and I realized, she is just like that. I reminded myself that this is just one of the more obvious cases of how people are different from each other.

Today I read about how people can get critical and I got so guilty of it, it inspired me to write this. Being introvert and melancholic, it's not my thing to be out there and interact with people outside my circle which is family and chosen friends. So if I meet people with personalities that are not what I was accustomed to, I tend to back away, be uncomfortable and judge. I don't think this attitude makes anyone a terrible person, if anything it makes us human. Annoyed is what you get around anything annoying. Hurt is what you feel for anything hurtful. Kapag may mabaho, magtatakip ka ng ilong. Kapag mainit, we feel discomfort. Tao tayo eh so we react to these things. But our humanity is flawed, so not because its natural to us makes them okay to do.

This is just not a matter of dismissing the idea of first impressions and judging people. What if people are more than just annoying? Ang mundo ay puno ng makasarili at makasalanang tao, kapag hindi ka tinablan its either bato ka, or isa kang anghel. I doubt that this next thing I will say will always be how I'd respond, but I have learned that the Christlike attitude towards this is to be loving and accepting. 

This is one thing that the Lord has been teaching me this year - loving people. Seeing others as people Jesus also died for. I know this sounds very churchy so let me add that this is not at all easy. I've been hurt and let down many times and that makes me distant and cold, pinagdadamot ko ang sarili ko para di ako ma-take advantage.

I can't remember the exact way she said it, pero sabi ni Je dati, nasa itsura ko daw kasi na madaling kaya-kayanin. So issue na din pala itsura ko. More than magpaganda kelangan ko na din alalahanin kung pano ako magmumukhang palaban. But I learned na sa dami ng problema sa mundo, worrying about looking stupid or weak should be the least of my concerns. I can only be myself and as I do, the Lord will be my protector. He will also be my vindicator.

We hear advices about letting go and avoiding people who are not good for us. I do this. I stopped being friends with some people who I thought was not behaving like a true friend. I stopped talking to some people. I even unfriended some in Facebook. Now, I may need to re-think this idea. In Blue Like Jazz ito yung sinasabi ni Don Miller na we treat love like a trade. Ang binibigay nating love ay depende sa natatanggap natin. If we don't like how we are treated, we withhold our love and don't give any of ourselves at all. But I don't think this is true love. I read this from David Bonifacio, that love is a gift, we give it freely. And in the Bible, we are called to love people. I am no expert in this area, I am still taking it in.

It's hard. Gagamitin ko na 'tong platform to rant about the injustices done to me. There was this girl in the office who pushed me. Not figuratively. Literally. I won't go into the details, but I know I'm not imagining things, tinulak talaga niya 'ko. I didn't react but I was so tempted to rant in Twitter and tweet "FAT, FAT, FAT". Kaso meron pala akong nanay at ate na mataba so hindi ko na lang ginawa. I just stopped feeling the need to say Hi to her whenever we run into each other. At least ngayon hindi ko na siya kelangan plastikin. It only gets harder. We have this neighbor who blasts their stereo, I hate don't like them. But the Lord says "Love your neighbor" and here they are, the very definition of a neighbor, as in the house across the street, being so selfish, so insensitive, so unlovable. It's like a bad joke. And, and, and, these FX drivers! Hindi ko naman nilalahat pero yung iba sa kanila, ang sasalbahe akala ata nila utang na loob mong sumakay sa kanila eh nagbabayad ka naman. Like hello, the chairman of our company earns tons of mullah but would never treat people like the way you do, some FX driver you!

And I'm not even scratching the surface. That are many more bad, rotten, filthy people out there. 

So ano nga ulit yung sinasabi ko? Aaahh. Pagmamahal sa kapwa.

You see, it's not easy. But it doesn't make the idea wrong, or untrue or impossible. This is not even a new thing. It's been here, everywhere, we hear it in a Beatles song. We just don't get it.

I still get hurt and encounter people I don't like, but one thing I do as a start is refuse to harbor hate. Maybe I don't have to like people yet, but I constantly need to remind myself to be accepting and forgiving. I have to learn to keep an open mind, knowing that being imperfect as everyone, I myself can be annoying and hurtful too sometimes.