Miss-Quote

We have a daily 15 minute huddle at work and Customer Service Reps are assigned each day to facilitate. By facilitate, I meant to act like the host, giving the floor to people with updates to discuss like the workforce, QA, Coaches, TL’s and the OM. Why do they do it? To torture us and expose us to stage fright until we’re numb to it. Chos. I think matutuloy naman yung huddle kahit walang CSP na facilitator. But since this company puts high premium in people development, gusto lang siguro nila kami bigyan ng exposure to be in that place – hell in front of people.

I was asked to facilitate Thursday and Friday and I just said okay to it. It's pointless to avoid it because it’s on rotation and everyone gets assigned at one point or another. This was my third time to do it.

I am this awkward girl who suffers in small talk let alone speak in front of a floor filled with people. So hindi ito parang na-assigned lang akong magtapon ng basura. It’s terrifying. Para akong nautusang magtapon ng basura sa madilim na eskinita na maraming ipis, daga at ahas. Gusto mo ‘yun?

What makes it extra dreadful is the pressure of owning the moment. They are giving you the permission to be impressive but if you take the risk, be aware that there is chance to fail miserably. It’s make or break. Meron isang nagpauso magrecite ng memorable quotes at mula noon yun na ang naging pamantayan. Bwisit na ‘yan. I remember someone even sang. A friend of mine delivered a bible verse. Those who are too cool to give a damn won’t bother doing anything.

I wanted to be one of those who are too cool to care, but I prepared a quote in case makantiyawan. Ayan tuloy, nakantiyawan nga. So with my red face (someone said so) and with shaking voice and hands, I read a Brandon Boyd quote I wrote on a crumpled Post-It I was holding, added 1 or 2 sentences about it, and surprisingly, I think they liked it. It’s one of those moments na pakiramdam mo nakachamba ka pero alam mong hindi ba mauulit. But on Friday I chose a Francis Kong quote and I thought I did even better than the day before. Our OM remembered me for it.

I can never act cool around compliments. I’d always be uncomfortable, letting out an awkward pout and a shy smile. But this time I felt like I was in kindergarten stamped with a star for reciting in class. I was still awkward but I was grinning ear to ear! Nagbow pa ako nung Thursday, no kidding. How I wish I was making this up but this really happened. Naalala ko tuloy yung Little Miss Philippines. (May kasabihan po tayo, bow. )

Yun lang hindi makamove on no, bin-log ko pa. Actually, may natutunan ako and that is why I am writing about it. 

This is what I realized. Minsan we just want to blend, be normal, be just like everyone else. That’s a safe place. I could have chosen to not share any quote and do it like the rest and just be done with it. It’s cool to act like you don’t care. It’s baduy to recite a quote. But nobody benefits if we play small. I remember a quote from the movie Coach Carter which has a new meaning to me now, it totally makes sense. We hide our light kasi ayaw natin matawag na pabibo. But that is like refusing to stand out because mediocrity is the norm. It doesn’t help anyone. Our OM said that the huddle facilitators should do it like I did (nagkantiwayan mga teammates kong lalaki , lalo tuloy akong nahiya).  Someone who accepted the challenge told a parable at kinabog ang lola mo. Nagbiro yung teammate ko, next time daw essay and ihanda ko. Uneasy yung feeling ng ganun, yung bumabalik pa din sakin yung joke. Haha. But I like it that my colleagues are being creative, because seriously, masaya siya. We would go back to our stations laughing and smiling and teasing each other.

Is this just about preparing something for the daily huddles?  No.

Life is more than just these 15 minute shining moments. There’s a big world to conquer and battles to fight out there. We should discover our unique gifting and give it our best. If it’s sports you are good at, play big and work hard and never stop growing. But don’t forget to be humble. There is a thin line between embracing who you are, self promotion and insecurity. I notice the insecure people are most likely the ones who tend to brag.

While being excellent is a good thing, I have to constantly remind myself that what makes it a curse it when we start to think of ourselves as better than others.  Aaminin kong meron akong issue sa mga taong more than thinking highly of themselves, ipaparamdam pa sa’yo na mas lamang siya. I am not attracted to those. I like excellence that inspires, not belittles.

God did not give me the looks of a supermodel. But he made me smart and sensitive, I think. He gave me a heart that breaks and rejoices even for the little things in life. In embracing my unique hard-wiring, there is less energy spent in making an impact however small it is, because that is how I was naturally made. (Kung makasabi ako na smart ako akala mo kung sinong may pangontra sa nuclear weapon ng Korea no? I also realized calling myself sensitive is like claiming I’m humble. You don’t announce these things. )

Let me end this post by sharing this quote from the movie Coach Carter that resonates to these thoughts I’m having.  Yes, another quote. I must have an affinity for them. Haha.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Quotes for Timo Cruz from Coach Carter (2005)

I Love You All

Meron akong officemate, na kapag may ayaw siya, she is not afraid to let it show and wala siyang paki kung may makapansin. Kunwari may nagbiro sa kanya and hindi niya trip yung joke, she won't even make an effort to be a good sport. She would pretend not hearing anything, won't make a reaction, at kami na lang na mga tumawa ang maiilang at mapapahiya. I get wowed by that sometimes, na ang cool nun and sana minsan ganun din ako. I am talking about being true to how you feel and not feeling a need to apologize for it. 

Naalala ko 'to kasi I had a recent incident of being annoyed but I was finding myself making an effort to fake that I am okay. I signed up to join this small group in church and there was this girl na nakakailang kasi ang gulo. While I introduced myself, she giggled and made these little movements that were so distracting I remember feeling disrespected. Her turn to talk came around and in my head I was saying "I don't like you". I was also thinking of not coming back next week. Then I got this thought - I cannot keep doing this, shutting people out because of what I thought of them. As the session rolled around, I saw how she interrupted the others too and I realized, she is just like that. I reminded myself that this is just one of the more obvious cases of how people are different from each other.

Today I read about how people can get critical and I got so guilty of it, it inspired me to write this. Being introvert and melancholic, it's not my thing to be out there and interact with people outside my circle which is family and chosen friends. So if I meet people with personalities that are not what I was accustomed to, I tend to back away, be uncomfortable and judge. I don't think this attitude makes anyone a terrible person, if anything it makes us human. Annoyed is what you get around anything annoying. Hurt is what you feel for anything hurtful. Kapag may mabaho, magtatakip ka ng ilong. Kapag mainit, we feel discomfort. Tao tayo eh so we react to these things. But our humanity is flawed, so not because its natural to us makes them okay to do.

This is just not a matter of dismissing the idea of first impressions and judging people. What if people are more than just annoying? Ang mundo ay puno ng makasarili at makasalanang tao, kapag hindi ka tinablan its either bato ka, or isa kang anghel. I doubt that this next thing I will say will always be how I'd respond, but I have learned that the Christlike attitude towards this is to be loving and accepting. 

This is one thing that the Lord has been teaching me this year - loving people. Seeing others as people Jesus also died for. I know this sounds very churchy so let me add that this is not at all easy. I've been hurt and let down many times and that makes me distant and cold, pinagdadamot ko ang sarili ko para di ako ma-take advantage.

I can't remember the exact way she said it, pero sabi ni Je dati, nasa itsura ko daw kasi na madaling kaya-kayanin. So issue na din pala itsura ko. More than magpaganda kelangan ko na din alalahanin kung pano ako magmumukhang palaban. But I learned na sa dami ng problema sa mundo, worrying about looking stupid or weak should be the least of my concerns. I can only be myself and as I do, the Lord will be my protector. He will also be my vindicator.

We hear advices about letting go and avoiding people who are not good for us. I do this. I stopped being friends with some people who I thought was not behaving like a true friend. I stopped talking to some people. I even unfriended some in Facebook. Now, I may need to re-think this idea. In Blue Like Jazz ito yung sinasabi ni Don Miller na we treat love like a trade. Ang binibigay nating love ay depende sa natatanggap natin. If we don't like how we are treated, we withhold our love and don't give any of ourselves at all. But I don't think this is true love. I read this from David Bonifacio, that love is a gift, we give it freely. And in the Bible, we are called to love people. I am no expert in this area, I am still taking it in.

It's hard. Gagamitin ko na 'tong platform to rant about the injustices done to me. There was this girl in the office who pushed me. Not figuratively. Literally. I won't go into the details, but I know I'm not imagining things, tinulak talaga niya 'ko. I didn't react but I was so tempted to rant in Twitter and tweet "FAT, FAT, FAT". Kaso meron pala akong nanay at ate na mataba so hindi ko na lang ginawa. I just stopped feeling the need to say Hi to her whenever we run into each other. At least ngayon hindi ko na siya kelangan plastikin. It only gets harder. We have this neighbor who blasts their stereo, I hate don't like them. But the Lord says "Love your neighbor" and here they are, the very definition of a neighbor, as in the house across the street, being so selfish, so insensitive, so unlovable. It's like a bad joke. And, and, and, these FX drivers! Hindi ko naman nilalahat pero yung iba sa kanila, ang sasalbahe akala ata nila utang na loob mong sumakay sa kanila eh nagbabayad ka naman. Like hello, the chairman of our company earns tons of mullah but would never treat people like the way you do, some FX driver you!

And I'm not even scratching the surface. That are many more bad, rotten, filthy people out there. 

So ano nga ulit yung sinasabi ko? Aaahh. Pagmamahal sa kapwa.

You see, it's not easy. But it doesn't make the idea wrong, or untrue or impossible. This is not even a new thing. It's been here, everywhere, we hear it in a Beatles song. We just don't get it.

I still get hurt and encounter people I don't like, but one thing I do as a start is refuse to harbor hate. Maybe I don't have to like people yet, but I constantly need to remind myself to be accepting and forgiving. I have to learn to keep an open mind, knowing that being imperfect as everyone, I myself can be annoying and hurtful too sometimes. 

Labor Day Randomness

Today is Labor Day in the states hence it’s a holiday. Some colleagues set out on a grand out of town vacation this long weekend but not me. My friend Erwin once tweeted “There are things we are asked to live without. I have my list, you have yours.” I favorited this because it rings true. There are so many things to do but with limited time and resources, that if I was going to arrange my priorities, travel and  going out would be those that I would give up without second guessing. I’m at this point where I have accepted that I would need to make sacrifices for the things I value as most important. I have so many unread ebooks, unseen movies and unheard of music that today I would just be happy to house-cation and consume them over too much caffeine. Okay.  That’s pathetic, nerdy and pretentious. 

Actually last Saturday night, Karen and I were supposed to watch Wilson’s band play next town (and I said I gave up going out). It just hit me when he was not responding to my text that I got the dates mixed up. He invited us for August 30 and that Saturday night was already the 31st. It figures why he texted Friday night asking where I was and when I replied saying I was at work, I did not hear from him since. Naisip ko, maybe it’s normal to mixed up the dates like that, but then I asked, if I like Wilson a bit more would that have happened? If anything, maybe I just agreed to go because I wanted to do something new with Karen. Like I wanted for us to meet new people and share an adventure together. It’s one of those things you have to experience because it doesn’t happen all the time. I’m talking about being the date of the bass player who’s got long hair and tattoos on both arms. I know, such profound taste in men (he skateboards too). Well, I screwed up so the closest thing I got to being that kind of girl is being invited to come, that’s it.

I finished reading The Fault in Our Stars by John Green this morning. It was kind of okay halfway through but towards the end I couldn’t stop. I am not a big novel reader so it was a deal that I finished one in less than 24 hrs. It did not laugh out loud or pause to say “OMG ang ganda nito” like I did reading Blue Like Jazz but it sure made me cry. I think that’s what the book wanted to accomplish, yung steady ka lang nagbabasa pero nadadala ka na pala.  It is a sad book I tell you, in a way that isn’t forced. I felt a bit envious of Hazel for having found the love of her life at 16.  To think they both have cancer which is something to pity and this is just fiction, but it made me feel that. That’s how believable it was to me. Except for the killer quotes, like who talks like that in real life? Oh well, maybe people who are sick, dying and are in love. Reading this book also made me remember how I responded to BLJ and I realized that I really liked the latter for what it is, not just because I learned it from this guy who I was sort of getting to know back then.

Hamartia. A striking word or idea I read in A Fault in Our Stars. Quoting from the book, it is like, "The whole thing where a boy who is not unattractive or unintelligent or seemingly in any way unacceptable stares at me and points out incorrect uses of literality and compares me to actresses and asks me to watch a movie at his house. But of course there is always a hamartia and yours is that [cigarette] oh, my God, even though you HAD FREAKING CANCER you give money to a company in exchange for the chance to acquire YET MORE CANCER." It’s a fatal flaw that ruins the whole thing, like that shiny red balloon in a Barbie's Cradle song. I totally get this. I did not know there was a word for it. Of course no one is perfect but it becomes disappointing when everything is great...and then this. Okay, how arrogant of me to be talking about other people’s flaws like I don’t have one. Afterall, isa akong malaking hamartia na nagkaroon ng hininga at naging tao. I have so many flaws that if there is one good thing about me, there should be a new word invented for that. Imagine someone saying, "You are so wrong in so many different levels but this one great thing about you makes you right." Hanep! Hahaha. 

On a redeeming note, I learned that true love is so powerful it overlooks the hamartia. More on this in my future posts maybe.

Alright, so how else did I spend my Labor Day? I watched V for Vendetta which is kind of spooky because in the book, Augustus suggests that Hazel watch it and I was like, I just saw that last night! I also saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind again. I cooked Spanish Omelet, half of which was consumed by our dogs and they loved it! I listened to one of those Relevant podcast episodes. I read a bit about 30 Seconds to Mars’ 30 million lawsuit. I slept through a playlist of indie songs. I had a special bath in generous amount of conditioner and body scrub, it was great! ( I realized later that any regular shower can be epic for anyone who I stinks like I did.) I actually want more free days to do the same stuff. Except for my annoying neighbor, this Labor Day weekend wasn’t so bad.