To Her With Love

I have this reputation for being a person who doesn't eat much and I won't even try to redeem myself from that. But one thing I know, I am such a breakfast junkie. I just cannot miss breakfast. We had a neighbor who we call Ate Tita, who would come over everyday to do our chores. I don't let her wash my clothes but I think cooking breakfast is a special task for her specific for the middle child who works at night and comes home looking for breakfast.

One morning inabutan ko si Tatay ang naghahanda ng agahan and I thought Ate Tita must be late or something. Later I overheard Tatay telling Nanay that Ate Tita came by to inform him that she was not gonna be coming over for a while. We know she was complaining about having diarrhea the past couple of weeks and the next week after that, she couldn't poop. After having checked by the doctor, she was advised to be confined in a hospital for 3 days. Well, she never get to come back. She was diagnosed with colon cancer and she was confined for more than 3 days. She passed away in less than a month, at their own home, and today she has been cremated for 5 days already.

It was hard for me to wrap my mind around this truth. Everyday for the past 3-5 years I would come home to the breakfast she cooked. Ngayon, I would come home, check what's for breakfast then wonder who prepared it, Tatay or my brother Rap. It still feels like it was Ate Tita's breakfast. In my head, I would sometimes ask "ganon-ganon na lang ba talaga yun? Kailan lang, andito pa ngayon wala na." This is me pondering about the meaning of life. 

I wanted to question God when I learned about the cancer, but I saw His loving mercy when He finally took her. Hindi na kasi pinatagal at pinahirapan. Lahat naman talaga tayo dun din pupunta. Sabi ni Nanay, kapag daw tinatawagan niya si Ate Tita sa hospital, she would say "kaya mo 'yan ha" and the latter would strongly answer "kaya ko 'to kay Lord". I guess from that we can pretty much assume where she will spend eternity.

Sa aming 3 magkakapatid, ako yung anak na palaging nasa bahay pero parang wala din. Being the introverted person that I am, I'd always lock myself in my room and I hardly talk to Tatay, paano na lang kay Ate Tita. Ngayon meron na kaming bagong tagalaba at plantsa. One day, I heard her say that she used to have really long hair but she cut it and sold it for P1200. I felt the urge to be involved in the conversation.

I will call her Ate here because I still don't know her name. 

Me: Talaga Ate? May ganon pala? Sinong bumili.

Ate: Mga taga Laguna eh, ginagawa daw nilang wig tapos dadalhin sa Amerika.

Me: Pero dapat maganda ang buhok?

Ate: Oo. Hindi mo ba nakita yung buhok ko dati? Hanggang bewang na itim na itim na maganda.

Me: Oh okay. (hindi ko sinagot yung tanong niya. I obviously did not notice because of my lack of care)

Ate: Naghahanap daw talaga sila ng mga mabibilhan ng buhok. Tapos nakarating sila dito sa atin. Nung nagtanong sila, ako ang tinuro ng mga taga dito. 32 thousand daw ang benta nila dun kapag natapos.

Me: Ah talaga. 

I didn't say much but I was proud of myself that I took interest, I genuinely thought that was quite an interesting story. Maybe I should listen and care more.

Lately, I've been having this intense desire to be the best version of myself. I equate that to being better at what I do, accomplishing goals and being cool. Alam ko walang masama dun. I've been telling friends that God created us for something, for greatness if you will, and He is committed to help us be just that. But lately I've been thinking, is that all life is about? Being great? Some people even live for less dahil ang goal lang nila sa buhay is to live life to the fullest. They do that by going places and experiencing things. So I guess wanting to be excellent is not all that bad right? Maybe, but I'm not sold to this idea anymore. 

I met up with Brigs this weekend and Je told us about a story of her friend who was granted a scholarship abroad that costs millions. This, based on the moral of the story, is brought upon by having unwavering faith and boldly asking God for greater things. In a practical sense, this is how this story should impact me: I would want to boldy ask God to do great things for me too. We meant for these stories to glorify the Lord, and they do, but it also shows something about us.

Self-centeredness. This is where I am getting at. Sometimes it is always about us. Maybe we are meant to be excellent in a way that other people should benefit too.

I get these thoughts because Ate Tita left a family, who would not only have to deal with a loss of their mother, but from now on would have to worry about money for food, school and electricity.

I'm having these thoughts because if I would be honest with myself, I don't think I made any sort of impact to her life at all.

Maybe Blue Like Jazz is right. Maybe Joyce Meyer and David Bonifacio are right. Life is meaningful if it's focused towards other people, helping other people live better lives. True religion cares for the poor, the sick, the orphans, the widows and the widowers (kung makasabi ako ng poor parang ang yaman ko lang no?).

I heard Pastor Paul Chase once said it: It's simple. Live a life that glorifies God and helps people.

Again, this is me being a saint pondering about the deeper meaning of life.

I am closing this entry with a song. A few months back when I was feeling messed up,  napapaiyak ako ng song na 'to. It gives me that feeling na 'wag ako madiscouraged, "this is not the end", better days are up ahead. I read somewhere though that this song is really about the after life. That our days here on earth are numbered and they don't always turn out to be good for all of us, but this is not it yet, one day "we will open our eyes wider". 

This is to Ate Tita who we miss dearly. We will see her again, someday. This is "This is Not the End" by the Gungor.