The Last 7 Years

I thought about it before. That as I age, I start to feel my life is changing. It's not the same and it will never be again, and I feel the discomfort. 

Yesterday is another milestone. A part of my life for the last 7 years has been taken away, and it's like a proof, a mark, that a chapter has ended. That life is really moving on and there are things we cannot take with us on to the next phase.

It was a Saturday and I got home late, like 3pm late because I had brunch with Josie to unwind after a work week. It was a usual Saturday, until Tatay broke the news to me. 

"Wala na si Pablo anak." He just said that my favorite dog who is like a son to me has died.

For a few seconds there, I lost it. My sanity, your composure. 

I got myself together immediately and began asking questions. I cried. Then calm down. Then cried again. Then calm down again. 

Tatay woke up that that morning and found him dead. We didn't know he was sick. He didn't think he was in pain. 

The next few things I did was to check what was left. 

I saw the part of our yard where he was buried. I was cool. When I got a hold of his collar and chain, it was crazy crying lady all over again.

I looked at pictures of him on my phone. The most recent one was when he climb this very high ladder at this house I am building. I was on the second floor talking to my brother. Then we saw him. On. The. Second. Floor. I thought I had a mini-stroke. Or not. Our confusion was followed by laughter. So he climbed the high ladder. There is nothing so weird about that. Just a very special loving dog who would climb anything just to be with his master. I remember feeling super proud. I know dogs. I bet only 1 in 100 dogs can do this. Some of those who can are in circus and are trained.

Anyway, I decided to look for other pictures of him. I found this selfie video I took with him in 2012. I was kissing him and making lambing to him, I started to get teary eyed as if I knew that I was gonna be looking back at this video one day. 

I found photos of him growing up on this blog. I held him from when he was a baby until he was so big for me to carry. If I knew he was sick and gonna die, I would have wanted to be touching him and hugging him until the time it happened. I held him when he was a newborn, but it's not as important because he doesn't know any of that yet. I wanted for him to know that all these years and until this time hes dying, he is loved. I'm sure he would have wanted that. He would have wanted me beside him.

I also realized how much this blog and my writing is more about writing for myself. I have blogged and wrote about Pablo and I'm so thankful I did. I wondered why I didn't write more. Pablo died old and weak but I've  accounts of him when he was young and growing up. It's so nice to have this to look back to and be reminded of.

***

When Pablo's mom Enna died years ago, it was also like this. I got home from work one morning and she's dead. I guess I was traumatized by that. There are mornings going home from work when I would imagine coming home and Yogi or Pablo has died. "No, no, no, no," I would whisper to myself. 

This was not one of those days. I didn't have that feeling. He didn't eat the day before but I thought he was just "nagtatampo". We're treating his mange which I suspect he got from other dogs. I don't want him to get more mange and infect other dogs so we tied him. Pablo hates the chain. If we do something Pablo is upset about, he shows it to us by not eating. I thought it was one of those.

I actually blame myself. It was all my call.

My parents console me by saying Pablo is old. People die, so are dogs. Yeah, but I wasn't prepared for it. With my crazy baby dog talk I always tell Pablo that - "Pablo don't die yet ha. Hindi pa ready si Mommy."

I cried myself to sleep last night. I woke up a couple of times and I would cry again. What happened yesterday wasn't a dream. Every time I woke up Pablo is gone, and this is the reality moving forward. He's not gonna be on the floor, under my bed, in any part of the house. Anymore.