Gift Certificates

Oh, hello. It's been a while since the last time I posted anything here. If you stop doing something for a while, you get rusty at it. I must admit I am having a hard time writing this now. 

So I've been busy. Or something to that effect. The past weeks felt like I was always running out of time, like it's never enough. My eyes were literally swollen due to lack of sleep. I was always late at work. I stopped going out and I skipped attending church because I thought I could use the free time for some me time and resting. I felt so tired and because of this I would sometimes skip a day at work too. It was a difficult time.

I also turned 32 last month. Yep, officially off the calendar. I thought I wouldn't have the birthday blues because I was busy but nope, it still kicked in. I thought it was one of my saddest birthdays ever because I realized, the older I get, the fewer friends I have. The responsibilities that come along with growing old makes us see our friends less and less. Careers, pregnancy, marriage and kids. I sacrificed my social life for what I thought was most important to me. So when my birthday came around, it manifested, you only get what you give. The redeeming factor though is that as I put my family first, in return, I am now beginning to have a healthy relationship with my sister. Like how it's supposed to be. And my solid friends remembered :) 

I knew I am in a season in life and faith but I also thought it's been going on for a long time already. I was waiting for it to end and when I realized it's not happening yet, I gave up. I stopped praying. I got tired of saying the same things only to see it get worse. I got tired of church so I quit that as well. I felt I don't belong with these bunch of happy people. To me, their joy was corny, self-righteous and fake. I cannot identify with them and I thought they will not be able understand me. I'm just done with this God thing. I didn't denounce Him but I felt I needed a break from this. If He was working in my life, changing and molding me, then I didn't want it. I wanted Him to leave me alone.

I am also broke, for the first time after a really long time. I've been into the habit of saving since I started working so I couldn't really remember a time that I was out of money. Dati when I say I'm broke, I just didn't have any cash or money in my ATM but I've some money stored somewhere that I didn't want to touch. But this time, I'm really it or something close to it. I am building this house which wiped out my entire savings and left me with a few debts. This why I say I was busy.  This is why nagtampo ako sa Diyos. I thought this is a good thing to do but why isn't He making it easy for me?

My redemption came from the most unlikely of circumstances.

I won $100 worth of gift certificates from being the top seller at the upselling project I was part of which just ended. It was funny because, for one, I suck at upselling. It's not possible for me to win at this. Secondly, how fitting for me to bag those GCs at the time when I was running broke. Thirdly, it happened at the time when I was in rebellion against God. 

A few weeks back, I had already won nine thousand worth of GCs from the office raffle. But before winning that, I had given cash help to 2 cousins so I thought winning the GCs is just God giving it back to me. I  hardly even used up these GCs because I was saving them. Now, here are more GCs given to me at the time when I should be the last person to be blessed. When I won the raffle GCs, I jumped up and down. When I won the upselling GCs, I shook my head. I felt my heart melting, it was as if I heard the Lord say "You're out of your mind, but I love you. Here are GCs. Buy something and don't starve yourself."

Two of my faith struggles has been resolved through this. I've been hearing about it before but I understand it better from experiencing it.

One, I can never do anything to earn God's love. He gives it freely. When I would have set backs, it's hard not to be tempted to think that it might be because I was praying less or not being Mother Teresa enough. Maybe I should do more. They say grace is given free but I found myself working to earn it. Then I would just quit trying and be bitter because I knew that I can never try hard enough. I don't always like to pray. Sometimes I like to watch movies, or listen to music, or look at pictures of nice clothes and shoes. But at the time that I didn't want anything to do with Him, He still made sure that I get to eat and buy shampoo and toothpaste. And more. Does this mean we can go ahead and do whatever the hell we want because God loves us anyway? I don't think so. That's not what it did for me. God's loving kindness leads us to repentance. 

There is an opening for a promotion at work and I got shortlisted. It was the opening that I want and was waiting for. Yesterday I was interviewed for it. How'd it go? Let me put it this way. I can remember two job interviews I've had in my life that stood out as the most horrible; my first ever job interview when I was 21, and that one I had yesterday. Yep, it was that bad. It sucks to not get the promotion, it's sucks more to be adding one more embarrassing moment in my life! It's discouraging to realize how hard it is to be promoted at this company and no matter how hard I try, I will always mess the interview part because of this stupid stage fright. Then I remembered being the top seller. The only possible reason for that to happen was God's turning things around because I had to get the GCs coz I'm broke. 

So the second faith struggle that got addressed through this experience is that in life, the results are not always based on what we do or what we deserve. We need God's mercy. His glory is sometimes manifested in our weakness. 

When I came out of the interview room yesterday, I went back to my work station and buried my face on my desk. I didn't want to show my face to anyone. Then I found myself asking God to lift up my head (literally). Then I thought, it's normal to feel bad like this if something unfavorable happens. But I cannot always be driven and controlled by my circumstances. God still sits on the Throne and my work is not defined by one bad interview. And I have to learn to laugh at myself. 

So I told this story over breakfast with my friends at work after shift yesterday morning. The last time the four of us went out together was December of last year. We missed this so we were having a really great time. Then we noticed this cute guy from the kitchen handing out food for the waiters to serve. I don't think he's the chef, he cleaned the ceiling at one point during our stay. But he is cute, not ultra handsome, but very easy on the eyes. Overflowing with sex appeal. I'm sure he noticed that our table is drooling over him. I'm sure that the next thing he did was make papansin and pacute. I'm sure he made eye contact to me. I told you about how bad I did at the interview, so I'm not always delusional. I can self assessed. When I say that the guy made eye contact with me, it really happened. Then I thought, there's more to eye contact and flirting. It would be nice to date and get to know someone again.