Cherry Bomb

Last Sunday, I cancelled going to this church Valentine event Kars helped put together. Nanay felt sorry for me. "Enjoy your life", sabi niya. It was not a command. It was a plead. I just scrunched up my face. Wala ako sa mood kahit magsalita pero hindi ko mapigil kapain ang malaki kong tigyawat sa mukha. "Anak..." my mother began again. "Wag mo hawakan". I stopped and looked away. My mother knew the pimple bothers me and I felt embarrassed by it.

I went to my room and lie in bed feeling bad that it was going to be Monday again tomorrow. Umabsent ako nung Friday and I don't feel comfortable going back to work kapag umaabsent ako. VL okay lang, absent, no. Lalo na kung dahil sa katamaran lang. Aside from feeling guilty for being an irresponsible worker, I feel ugly too. Ang huli kong ligo ay nung Friday pa. I was feeling smelly and sticky but I don't want to take a bath. It's one of those days you're just not in the mood to be on earth.

And then a thought hit me. Wow. I am such a loser.

I have been in a season of struggle and discomfort for quite a while now. I was trying to fight but I feel nothing is getting better. Everything is going downhill and that makes it even more frustrating. It is getting the best of me. It has made me a monster, ask the people around me they know. I am acting like a real douche. But this, this time in my room is a real moment. Nawala na ang paniniwala ko kahit sa paliligo. Bakit pa kailangan maligo? Gumi-give up na ako.

Another story. There was this time a guy in church in made me cry. This was the first week of February and sermon series is about love. The whole thing has just ended and we were already closing with prayer. I was not supposed to have my eyes open but I remember seeing this guy approach the pastor in front and whispered something to him.

After the prayer ended, he took the microphone and began his speech. He says he feels the Lord is asking him to tell us that the opposite of love is not hate but indifference. Indifference by definition means lack of concern or enthusiasm. As he goes on, I felt my face scrunched up. I bowed down my head and the tears started happening.  We cry over movies but I don't like if it's over something I heard in church. These are people I don't know and sometimes I get to a point of being inconsolable. There was a time I was still crying while leaving church even until I was on the jeepney on the way home. I don't like crying in church.

May mga taong madaling magustuhan. They don't have to try so hard. They're so likeable and admirable they don't even know it. On the otherhand, meron din mga taong ang sarap tirisin. That I wish they know. I work at night and sleep during the day, and there were a few times nagigising ako ng wala sa oras dahil may nagaganap na papatintero ng naghihiyawang bata sa harap ng bahay namin. When that happens I go Walter Mitty in my head. Gusto ko sila silang i-cherry bomb na parang mga zombies because they get into my nerves and eat my brain. There was also a time I yelled at this teenager boy who was throwing stones at the mango fruit over our roof.  The girl across the street who witnessed the scene covered her mouth in shock. She stayed like that for a while, it's funny to see. I scared the hell out of her.

I know I am supposed to love people but that is not happening. People continue to disappoint me and that makes me indifferent.

I guess what I'm saying is, I am in a time in my life where I had hit another low point. I am broken. My attempt to be in a romantic relationship failed. Yung savings ko naubos ko for a project and its far from finished. I am not happy with my body, my hair and my skin. I am failing at work. And worst, I am becoming a horrible person, negative and grouchy hurting people left and right. I am angry. I am angry at selfish people who do things only because they can, not  caring about what is good for others.

I feel like a mess.

Valentines day went by and to be honest, I hardly noticed. I couldn't careless if I am single. I had other things in mind.

I figured my problem is that I am spoiled and lazy. What do I think? That life will be perfect for me and at this point there shouldn’t be any struggles? As long as I am alive I will have them because I have an "enemy". But I was lazy. I didn’t want the hardwork that comes with fighting. I just want to have an easy life. I didn’t even want to work but I  love to have a salary. So spoiled and lazy. I failed to realize that I am in a battle, the spiritual kind. I was always losing too because I was fighting my own way. I was doing it wrong.

I also realized what a control freak I am. I thought if I can manage things and get them under control I will have less trouble. Wrong. Things happen whether I like them or not.

Tired of long prayers, I just said to God "I am such a control freak but it turns out I don't really know how to run my life. Please help me". Then I got up and took a shower. That can be a start.

Pastor Mike said that for the children of God, the bad times are not just bad times. There is a purpose for it. "All things work together for the purpose of those who love Him right?" We go through painful experiences. We get wounds that leave scars. And when we see the scar, we get reminded. "This scar is from I went through this and that, and it was a very difficult time". There was a time when I told my friends that the draftsman who was working on our house plan was giving me a super hard time. My friend Elga said something about when I finally live in that house, I will always remember what a pain it was to deal with this guy. It was striking but I didn't like that thought. This house is supposed to be a gift. I hate to think that it gave me headaches and heartaches. But now, thinking about what Pastor Mike said, it's okay. I can now admit that I go through bad times. It's okay to see the scars and be reminded of the bad seasons because they happen for a reason.