Last Words

I've been thinking of making this blog post but I have to admit that it wasn't easy. I cannot ignore the urge to write down my thoughts though, so here it is, my random musings on how I almost met your father. Hahaha. Yeah, I met a guy a few months back and the get-to-know-each-other part was crazy, but in the end it did not work out like how we hoped it would. And so for a period of time after that, I saw myself feeling like I was Joseph Gordon Levitt in 500 Days of Summer. Well, I did not buy orange juice and Jack Daniels in my bathrobe, and I did not lose it breaking plates in the kitchen. But I have to admit that during those days I was not in my best shape.

***

It's like being a medical patient waiting for a heart or a kidney transplant.  You get excited to learn that they've found a donor, only to find after the tests that its not a match. Para kang naghihintay ng trabaho sa labas ng bansa. Nung finally natawagan ka na ng recruitment agency, sa middle east pala ang opening hindi sa Canada. Hindi ko sinasabing mukha siyang bumbay at caucasian ang type ko. Hindi ko rin sinasabing hindi kami bagay. May mga bagay talagang kahit akala mo okay na hindi pa rin nagwowork out. The analogy was only to show how it was for me, hindi kasi maintindihan ni Je kung bakit ako nalulungkot eh ayaw ko naman daw magtrabaho sa middle east. Syempre nakakalungkot pa din yun kasi a dream has died. Akala ko makakalipad na 'ko sa Canada, akala ko maooperahan na 'ko para mapalitan ang mga defective kong organs, hindi pa pala. 

***

I remember years back my friend Yoej told me na minsan daw, kapag nakakakita siya ng couple, naiisip niya, "itsura ng babaeng 'to buti pa siya may lovelife, bakit si Ate Raquel wala?". Yoej is knockout pretty, so if she thinks na 'tong itsura kong ito eh pwedeng panglovelife, we have to respect that people. Meron scene sa Almost Famous where in Jason Lee was shouting out to the heavens asking "is it really that hard to make us look cool?". Sometimes when I feel crappy, in my head I see myself doing this, asking God "Is it really that hard to find me a jowa?"

***

Sabay kami kumain minsan nung isa kong kaibigan, wala, catch up lang. Nabanggit ko sa kanya before that I was getting to know this guy, kaya ngayon, I thought I was gonna update her that it did not work out. Nauna siya magkwento at nalaman ko na wala na sila nung boyfriend niya for 3 years. Sinaktan siya nito physically nung huli nilang away kaya nagbreak na sila. Akala ko ako ang may mapait na buhay pag-ibig. Hiyang-hiya naman daw ako sa istorya ko kaya instead na magkwento nakinig na lang ako sa kanya.

***

So how have I been coping from a failed courtship? I caught up with friends during the first couple of weeks after the "breakup" (feelingera!). There was a time I saw Team4One thrice one week in April. It was my first time to be alone with Monica in 7 years of friendship and we talked for 8 hours. I tweeted a lot and abused Instagram with my selfies. I've been downloading a lot of indie music. I've been cooking lots of omelets (gusto ko matuto magluto and I'm starting with eggs). I've been working on this hybrid car and just being more awesome. Nah. I really felt "bleh" and "aargh". Ayoko nga sana kasi in my brain I hear voices bullying "walaaaa, affected ka". Eh ganun na nga talaga. Pero naisip ko, if this is how I deal with it - reconnecting with friends, loving myself (my selfies!), learning new things (omelets and indie music), hindi na din pala masama. Naalala ko tuloy si Hollywood actress Olivia Wilde. She was a firm believer of the vegan lifestyle, then she got divorced. She had to eat cheese to be okay. Now if cheese is all she needed to be able to handle that, eating cheese can't be all that bad, now can it? Kesa nga naman magdrugs. It is also surprising to me how some people would sometimes find me "blooming" despite of how awful I feel about myself. When I check my selfies in Instagram, I realized, these may have been my best pictures ever! (pagbigyan niyo na 'ko I really feel pangit). I think this is because sadness made me a food slob and it turns out bagay pala sa akin ang konting laman.

mabuti na magselfie kesa magdrugs

my spanish omelets. hahaha. blog ko 'to bakit ba? 

What I did not do is be bitter. There are times na gusto ko siyang bigwasan pero siguro after nun kukurutin ko din siya na may halong lambing. Hahaha. I don't know pero wala akong maramdamang resentment sa taong yun. And this is good. When I opened myself to dating, I prayed to God to protect my heart na kahit masaktan ako, this will not stop me from trusting and accepting love from people who will genuinely love me. I think the Lord allowed my heart to be broken, but he protected it from being bitter.

***

He once texted during our wee hours landian that "we together or apart have to live a better story." I realize now that this is sad so that's all I have to say about that. Haha. 

***

I also have thoughts that posting this may not be wise. How would the guy I'd be dating next feel if he reads this? Isa lang 'yan sa sumagi sa isip ko. Well, to whoever you are, please know na kahit hindi pa kita nakikilala I thought about your feelings already (yiheee!). It is here because I learned a lot from this, lessons about loving people which could be potentially make me date better. I should write about those learnings too, but I don't know where to begin. Maybe this is it, where I begin. Ohh that will be harder to write.

***

Let me end this by sharing this goodbye song I found. I used to listen to a laslas playlist but I don't anymore. This song I still listen to because aside from actually being a good song, I thought it's not that dark and sad because of the nice melody. Pero minsan malungkot din siya. Hehe. Anyway, here it is, Last Words by The Real Tuesday Weld.