XOXO

I knew "XOXO" is a brand of clothing, so I thought it must be a french word or someting. Nalaman ko lang from watching "Nacho Libre" that it stands for "hugs and kisses".

Hehe. Ang kikay.

Nanay, the Giver

My mother is the most giving person I know. Other people give more than her, but she's the most giving for me, una, kasi nanay ko siya, pangalawa, other people give because they have plenty to give and much more left for themselves. Pero si nanay, ibang klase, tatanggi na lang kapag pamasahe na lang ang natira. And she does not only give financially, she also give her time, and whatever it is she can do to help.

Sometimes, because I'm an ugly and greedy person, I don't always feel right about these 'charity' thing she does. " She puts Gandhi to shame. She makes him look like a used car salesman! =) Yeah, that'a line from a movie, but man, it's perfect for her. See, I'm not even trying to be nice here, I am being sarcastic. I'm not persecuting her though. Point is, hindi ko sinasabi 'to praise her dahil nanay ko siya. I just can't believe there is a person, so giving, so self-denial, who can put other people's needs first before her own.

If that's what you call spiritual gift, then taas na kamay ko, I'm down on my knees for I am a sinner...I believe, I believe.

Grow up!

Oh the things that I had to go through this week...

I know there are tons of people who are way better than me in every way, and I have learned to be cool with that. Natanggap ko nang lamang sakin ng isang paligo si Patty, at pinanganak siyang Laurel kaya rich kid siya sakin ng isang gold bar. Okay lang yun. Pero iba pala yung dating sakin of realizing na yung ibang tao na I think I am better than will eventually be better than me. Nakakataranta yung feeling. Kunwari TL ako tapos yung agent ko tinulungan kong mapromote, tapos eventually pala magiging competition ko siya sa OM post tapos ang ending siya pa yung na-promote over me. Yung ganon scenario ba? Kaya nakakarelate ako kay Cherry Gil when she said to Sharon Cuneta "You're nothing, but a second rate, trying hard, gaya-gaya!" ( splash ng tubig here).

Madali siyang ikwento gaya nito, but believe me, it's a hard thing to go through. Kung ano-anong pambobola ang sinabi ko sa sarili ko just so I will feel better, until I can't lie anymore, I had to say to God: "God why? I am more obedient to You, I serve You better. Why do you bless us all just the same?" I feel like the older brother in the prodigal son in the Bible. I felt how Jonah in the Bible felt.

Imagine a daughter who got rewarded with a huge doll because of getting good grades, but the other child with the not as good grades got the same reward. Nung bata ako ugali kong magmaktol pag merong decisions ang parents ko na unacceptable sakin. Parang ganon ngayon.

Pero sabi nga ni Pastor Paul, "Grow up!"

Nung bata ako may maktol-times ako na nagngangawa na ko, nginangatngat ko na yung kumot, wala na kong luha, wala pa ding umaamo sakin. Hanggang sa ako na lang ang mapagod.

I can imagine God ignoring my tantrums then telling me "Raquel, grow up!" Kahit saan anggulo tingnan, it's wrong to feel this way. Anong masama if He is good to everyone? Why can't I be happy for other people?

I call myself a good girl because I convince myself I am one. Because many times, this is how ugly I can get.

The comforting thing that changes my heart is that, God will not tolerate this kind of attitude so I have to get rid of this as well.

Yesterday, I was introduced to this very cute girl. I will not say walang hit ng insecurity, eh siya lang naman kasi ang date ng crush ko. Pero dati ko pa alam na someone is always better than me, for than I thought I can submit to humility. Well, I was not humble enough pala. There is a much humbler position God is showing me, at yun eh mas mababa sa level ng ibang akala ko eh above ako. My pride refuses to accept, but this pride is a killer, at ayoko na nito. I wanna be freed from this comparing thing, and stop looking at what others have and be secured knowing that all my needs are met by God and sincerely, sa totoo lang talaga, I want to be sincerely happy for other people and even help them.