Internship Blues

Service Assistance Group- ito ang team na kinabibilangan ko ngayon bilang isang "isme" (SME) o Subject Matter Expert. Intern lang ako. Sa totoo lang, hindi talaga ako "expert". Minsan lang talaga, ironic ang mundo. Kung kelan ka effort na effort at kung kelan gustong-gusto mo yung isang bagay, hindi mo makuha-kuha. Pero kung kelan ka pa relaks lang, dun pa darating sa'yo. Sa kasong ito, dun ako sa pangalawa. Alam ko maraming iba na gustong-gusto itong pwesto ko ngayon, kaya hindi maintindihan ng iba kung bakit noong una eh umaayaw-ayaw pa ko. Parang sa audition yan eh, kung sinong napadaan na nga lang, siya pang nakuha. Alang-ala eh, ganun talaga kaming magaganda, mas napapansin.

Bakit nga naman hindi gugustuhin ang title na ito. Kahit intern lang, napadala na ko sa training para magconduct ng mock calls sa mga trainees. As in mock calls, dahil minock ko sila, pinaikot-ikot at tinakot-takot. Bwahaha. Biro lang. Malinis naman ang intensyon ko, gusto ko lang silang matuto. At dati, nakikinig lang ako sa mga SME's nag nagroroll-out, pero ngayon, isa na din ako sa mga nagroroll-out ng updates sa mga teams. At dun ko narealize na nakakainis pala kapag salita ka ng salita tapos yung kausap mo umiikot-ikot yung mata. Pero kasama sa titulo ang karapatang kunin ang atensyon ng agent at utusan siya ng "makinig ka". Bilang SME, nakapagfloorwalk na din ako sa nesting class, at naranasan kong pagtinginan na as if ako ang rumored na bagong teacher sa school. At pinakatrabaho namin na tumanggap ng calls galing mga agents na nanghihingi ng assistance at saluhin ang kanilang escalated calls. Alam mo yun, minsan uulitin mo lang naman yung sinabi ng agent pero mas tatanggapin ng caller kapag naggaling sa akin kasi SME ako. Woah! Bigtime diba? Gustong-gusto ko rin yung idea na, dati, hindi ako kilala sa floor, pero ngayon, sikat na ko!!! Woohoo! (kasi ata pinag-uusapan ako na bakit ako ang nakuha at hindi yung iba, hehe) Pero hindi pa iyan ang biggest perk. Sa esca, sobrang avail! Minsan ang next call mo after 20 minutes pa. Woah! Eh dati nga kapag itinutulog ko ang 15 minute break ko, malayo na ang nararating ko, nakakabalik pa ko! Ibig sabihin, kapag inaantok ako, which is, palagi, pwede ko munang ipikit ang mata ko, depende sa avail time! Wow, this is the life...

Okay, iyon yung mga pros. Syempre meron din cons. Parang news yan eh, inuna mo lang yan good, pero meron din bad.

Dumadating ako sa point na, naiisip ko, this is not working for me. Parang bagong sapatos, pinilit mong maging komportable, hinahanapan mo ng mababagayang damit, pero wala, it just doesnt fit, or out of style talaga at walang dating. Hindi ako komportable, ni hindi ako makapagfloorwalk ng taas noo. I feel so humbled, na parang, the title is too much I just can't measure up. I feel so awkward, maraming beses, pakiramdam ko, at alam ko din, nagmumukha akong tanga. Nagroroll-out ako minsan, halatang-halatang kinakabahan ako, nanginginig ang boses ko pati kamay ko, ni hindi ko kayang mag strictly EOP (English Only Policy)! One time pa, inapproach ko itong isang TL na pogi pa naman para i-pull out yung agent niya. Wala, hindi ko alam kung naintimidate lang ako dahil cute siya, pero I totally mixed up the names altogether, sabi ko, "Hi TL, I'm looking for Gary, pull out for the roll-outs". Ang pangalan ng TL ay Gary. Lalong naguluhan ang TL nang kinorek ko ang sarili ko kasi wala ata siyang agent na may pangalan na sinabi ko, pero dahil mas matalino siya kesa sa akin, nagets din niya, at nang lalapitan ko na ang agent, natapilok pa ako. Great! Talk about smooth moves. Sinadya ko talaga yung para hindi niya ko makalimutan.

My stats just proved the point even better. Nagevaluate ang TL ko ng isa kong recording, and it was an error. Buti na lang TL coaching lang iyon, at hindi external QA. We did a practical quiz, isa ako sa 3 hindi nakuha ang sagot. I was floorwalking once, and the other most experienced floorwalkers was asking me for verification, kasi nga, even though they have the most experience, I have the title naman. And there was a time, I went just blank to one of the questions. At ang customer survey ko ay mostly failing, at ang root cause, I'm too soft, I don't sound assertive and believable daw. I feel I really didnt have what it takes: product knowledge, experience, comm skills and the assertiveness to own up to being a Subject Matter Expert. I even broke down once, I couldnt hold back the tears, I did it with them around. Nung nagkaroon uli ako ng failing survey, TL even had to take me off the phone, and the rest of them were treating me like a baby, which I appreciate, but I'm not there to be a baby, I'm supposed to be there to contribute to the team. I just feel inadequate.

Sabi nang iba sa kanila, normal lang daw ang pinagdadaaanan ko, kasi naging ganito din sila. Yung isa nga daw nilagnat nung first week niya. At yung isa, was so depressed, she was crying nang walang dahilan. Pareho silang almost mag-resign. The good thing about me though, is that, I love this job, kung mawala sa akin ang posisyon, hindi guguho ang mundo ko kahit maging regular agent uli ako.

Ewan ko. Ni hindi ako nachachallenge to do even better the next time. Natatakot ako sa next time, kasi baka failing na naman. Wala siguro akong ambisyon sa buhay, tama na sa akin ang sumweldo.

Haay...this is so negative. So emo.

This could be perfect for me: Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. TIMO CRUZ, Coach Carter, 2005

But I'm just not feeling it. (hehe, parang hiphop, do you feel me? do you feel me?)

I will see in the coming days...

Yeoj

Thinking about it, I get so amazed how I get along so well with this girl, who is 11 years younger than me. Imagine that, a decade younger! I've been her Sunday School teacher from when she was 7, and she calls me Ate Kehl but we interact with each other like we're of the same age. I get to talk to her about kikay stuff I would not normally tell my other girlfriends. When we see other, we would notice each other's hair, nails, clothes, bags, and boys. Ahh, when it comes to boys she acts as if she knows better (because maybe she does). She is soooo pretty, she's a knockout, but I don't feel insecure around her. In fact, she makes me feel so good about myself, like she brings out the best in me. She's like arts and crafts, or journaling, she's a therapy for my tired and weary soul. I've had many memorable good times when I was out with her. If I'm Paris Hilton, she's my Nicole Richie.

Big boy na siya!

I'm crazy about Pablo! So crazy it makes me feel guilty I might be loving Yogi less. This is Yogi, our first. We have this bonding, and he connects to me like he never does to any of the family members. But now that we have Pablo, grrr...he's taking so much of my attention. Ahh..the classic spell of the bunso. Totoo nga pala, iba pag bunso. I understand that now. You love them all just the same, but you treat the bunso in an extra special way.Sometimes I go, "I love you Pablo...(then I would notice the other two) and Yogi, and Enna, and I love you Pablo." =)

Pablo gets my attention because he is the bunso, I feel guilty I could be neglecting Yogi the panganay, but where is Enna in the picture? See how a middle child gets to be treated? (forgive me, I'm a middle child)

Well, I love Enna too, but she's ate's dog and I'm trying to keep a tita-doggie relationship between us because I can tell Ate is already jealous.

You know how it is to have a bff, and then you meet a new friend and you spend more time with her than your bff, yeah, that's another way to put it, this Yogi-Pablo tag of war in me.

Grr...these dogs make me sound silly. Crazy.

Out of the Boat

Praning ako about Valentines this year. Not because wala akong date, dahil sanay na 'ko dun, but because our church always hold a Valentines program every year, at dahil ako na ang youth leader, ako ang in-charge.

Sobrang busy kami last quarter ng 2008. So come 2009, medyo relax lang. Pero ang utak ko natuturta sa kaiisip. The attendance is dropping, I can't seem to get the other leaders to commit, Kuya Adong can't speak to us kasi he's coming back to his work abroad, the bible school student whos been helping us will be helping another church, and it's Feb soon, how can we put up a valentines program?

Kinumbinse ko ang sarili ko na marami naman kaming na-accomplish last year, siguro okay lang if we dont have a vday program this year. But its tradition, sampung taon walang paltos! All of a sudden, this year walang program, ako ang leader, and it's my first year!

About 3 weeks before the "doom" day, nalaman ko malilipat ako ng team (escalation), which means, I have to work harder to meet people's expectations. I like it, it feels great to be chosen, but I wasnt comfortable.

Youth ministry is so unpredictable, and no matter how I try to control it, I just can't. I can't control other people.

Pero sa trabaho, papasok lang ako, huwag malelate, tapusin ang araw. Shaky man ang YM, basta okay ako sa work, I will live. Afterall, it's hard to accomplish something if your without a job or finances, right?

My job, the pay I get, and my team, is my comfort zone and that's how it is supposed to be because YM is unstable.

So being in the esca team and trying something new, I felt, was not a good idea. I like to grow, it's good to grow, but not now.

I tried to talk my TL out of it. Honestly, wala akong lakas para tanggihan ito, because it's an opportunity. Naisip ko, torete ako, and I might make decisions out of fear. If TL would think I shouldnt do it because I was half-hearted, then that's it, I'd take it as from God. But as of the time of writing, nakaka-isang buwan na ko sa bagong team.

I had my ups and downs. But in the end, we managed to have a Valentines program. And the melancholic, critical and perfectionist me, would say, it wasn't so bad. In fact, it's not bad at all! (imagine Simon Cowell saying this)

Leadership is hard. It may be the hardest thing I ever tried so far. Sobrang inis, nasabi ko pa one time na nagkaletse-letse ang buhay ko dahil sa leadership na ito. I am not a bad person, sa palagay ko =). As much as possible, I tried to do the right thing. But I can't go any higher, because the load is pulling me down. But one thing I cannot deny, sa lahat ng panahon na nahirapan ako, God always provided what we needed.

Our Pastor's wife told me that when Peter was walking on the water towards Jesus, he sank because he got scared of the waves, and Jesus scolded him saying he didnt have enough faith. But out of the 12, he was the only who one dared stepped out of the boat.

Same thing with me, I get discouraged because I look at the physical things. I can either, stay comfortable in the boat, or come out in faith, believing each Sunday will be better than the last.

Another thing that encouraged me was the verse I read: 1 Thes. 5:16, Always be joyful. Keep on praying. No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. My happiness should not be dependent on my circumstances. Good or bad, the bible says "always be joyful".

Snow Men (and Women)

Nalipat na ko ng team, so kahit too late na i-post, here's one of my nice remembrances from Team Chester. These are our station decor last Christmas season.

Kuya Ronald

Fred

Bernie

Sharon

Billy

Arlene

Jackie

Cheryl

And the winner is...

Rocky, aka...


Farish Hilton =)

Mj's snowman is camera shy and TL didn't have his own.

I will miss these guys.

Happy New Year

Honestly speaking, nagsara ang 2008 na hindi ako satisfied. I was excited for 2008. I called it the "year of possibilities". I had my plans, was very positive and before I knew it, bagong taon na naman.

Nung una, ayoko nang ma-excite for 2009. Skeptic na. I didnt really care in 2007, but a lot of things has happened that year. So I thought, if I take 2008 seriously, maybe even better things would happen. But it went by so fast. Really, I think 2008 went by so fast. I was going like, "realy, 2009 na? What happened in 2008? What happened in my year of possibilities?" Okay, so I helped a few people, enjoyed doing ministry and learning new things, went through trials and came out stronger, bought some stuff for myself, started wearing braces, and had my hair rebonded and colored. Yeah. I spent so much for myself this year than in any other year. Nga pala, I became "the" Youth Leader in our church and not to forget, we have Pablo added to the family this year. Not bad I guess, huh?

So I decided to put my skeptism aside, and believe again, that 2009 is the year of more possibilities. =) I will live life to the fullest, splurge some more money to myself, get out of my comfort zone and be open to "possibilities", all this and still live responsibly. Yeah, like, I will try doing drugs pero hindi ako mandadamay and I will never get caught. =) Biro lang.

Binasa ko uli yung 2008 New Year's Resolution ko from my old journal, and it was like I just wrote that list a few months back, now 2008 is over pass-your-test papers time na. Maybe I did accomplished some, some I definitely didn't. But I'm keeping the same list, maybe modify it a little.

For the record, I was spending the New Year's Eve at work for two consecutive years now. Sana this year nasa bahay na 'ko magbagong taon.

True Blue Melancholic

The month of November ang topic namin sa Youth Service was about the four basic temperaments: Sanguine, Choleric, Melancholic and Phlegmatic. Na-encounter ko na ito before pero hindi nagretain sa'kin. I didnt even know what temperament I have. We did a test, and I found out that I belong to the melancholy type. Kuya Adong, our teacher, told us melancholic to stand up and he said the 3 words that best describes us: introvert, pessimistic and thinker. He added an kami yung tipo ng tao na suspicious, skeptical and mahirap maconvinced. I was stunned. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung ano yang melancholy na 'yan, and what he said was true. That's me! Para akong nagpahula na totoo ang hula.

I am a melancholic because I checked the most number of melancholic traits: analytical, planner, scheduled, detailed, bashful, unpopular, hard to please, too sensitive, depressed, skeptical, suspicious and critical.

Kuya Adong shared that it is important for us to understand other people pero in order to do that, we have to understand ourselves first.

Sabi ni Ricky Lee sa book niya kapag kinikilala mo ang sarili mo, it is one way of opening your creative eyes and windows. I agree. Personally, I feel liberated kapag mas nakikilala ko ang sarili ko.

Saktong-sakto naman, hindi ko alam bakit naisip ni Nanay na pahiramin ako ng book na nabili niya - Spirit Controlled Woman. It is mainly about the four temperaments and how one can balance the strengths and weaknesses of the temperament she has.

At ito pa. We had the Myer Briggs type indicator test in our team building at ang resulta- I am an introver who is a thinker, deep, namimili ng kaibigan at nagseset ng boundaries.

What are the odds that in a month, I encountered 2 tests and a book showing me who I am?

As I was reading the book Nanay lend me, it was as if the writer was writing about me. Flashbacks are coming to my mind, of me when I was little and growing up and all this time.

I enjoy this self-discovery. It answers a lot for me. I feel normal. Because really, sometimes, I feel like I'm a weirdo. Hehe. Totoo. My ate thinks so too.

Ate seems to be choleric because she's bossy and Rap took the test too and he's phlegmatic. I read to them aloud that the book says melancholic children are "the model children, who need very little correction." We were just laughing about it but I know we all know it's true. =)

This explains why I have this heart for anything artistic. This explains why my interests involve thinking, like reading, writing and planning.

This also explains why I am naturally negative and emo. I have been working on being positive and grateful, but when I took the test, melancholic pa din. Naturally negative and emo kasi, I have to put and effort to be positive and happy, but it's very easy for me to be negative and depressed. Sabi nga, real beauty is effortless. Effort na effort kang magpaganda pero it only takes a frown para pumangit ka. Kasi, naturally, pangit ka talaga. =)

If I can choose my temperament, I like to be a phlegmatic: cool, calm and collected. Swabeng-swabe. Pero alang-ala eh, I am a true blue melancholic.

The good thing though is that, melancholics are said to be the most gifted of all the temperaments. Pero dahil nga sa kanyang self-centeredness, critical spirit and gloom, she suffers more than any others and limits her potential.

The author Beverly LaHaye says she finds it interesting that in the Bible, God sought more melancholy people to serve Him than any others. What temperaments were Moses, Elijah, Samuel, John the Baptist, John, Paul and Thomas? They were all melancholics. =)