random thought na hindi kasya sa Twitter

Yung meron kang crush dati...pero noon may girlfriend siyang super ganda. Tapos pagdaan ng mga taon, ang mapapangasawa pala niya sakto lang. Pumapatol naman pala siya sa mga tipo mo. At yung sinasabi mong magandang ex girlfriend, tumaba at tumanda na ngayon. Feeling mo tuloy level na kayo. O higit ka pa ng isang basong paligo dahil atleast mas payat ka. May asawa na din pala siya ngayon. Gandang-ganda ka sa kanya dati, ni hindi mo maiisip na pagdating ng panahon, sa hindi gwapo siya makakasal. Nangyayari naman pala talaga ang mga ganito. Ngayon maiisip mo, pwede naman palang ikaw yun. Hindi ka lang naniwala noon.

Words of wisdom from Angelina Jolie

I've realized that being happy is a choice. You never want to rub anybody the wrong way or not be fun to be around, but you have to be happy. When I get logical and I don't trust my instincts - that's when I get in trouble. - Angelina Jolie

Some years ago, biruin mong naisip ko na may nabangga akong sindikato ng kidnappers? Oo nga. I don't think everyone took me seriously though. But I still warned people and...you know, resigned from my job (kala mo kung sinong matapang no?). I knew I might have appeared like a mental person, but to this day, my gut still tells me I was right (at iniisip pa din nila na na-aning ako for a while at kinailangang ipasok sa loob).

When making a decision minsan mas madaling maging logical, but really, it doesn't guarantee anything except that you're safe from doing something crazy. You will ask people's opinion and they will give you a well thought of advice, only to find, kung sila yung nakapulot ng 1 million, they will keep the money anyway and run off to Morocco. And you wound up feeling, "That's what I was thinking of doing but you said otherwise! And now that you got the money...oh, man!"

Minsan, every piece is laid out and something is telling you it's okay to jump. Walang guarantee na walang bruises pero it sure is going to be a sweet and fun fall. But for the sake of being logical, you won't do it. Only to regret it later. You should have jumped anyway, probably looking stupid in the end but atleast you proved a point.

There are times you don't really want to do it. Or maybe you do. Okay, so you're not sure. A few people will talk you into doing it saying it's perfectly okay. And logically speaking...yeah...it makes sense. So you do it anyway, only to realize after, that the reason you were unsure is because you really were not made for this kind of stuff.

Well, kahit gaano pinag-isipan minsan mali pa din. And it's pointless to avoid hurt. I always remind myself that people hurt people because we are imperfect.

The redeeming part? Buti na lang I can always live on a clean slate after the mistakes at nakalimutan ko... I can seek advice from God who guides me for my best interest.

Internet. Posting. Reading. Writing.

Ang maganda sa trabaho ko ngayon: maraming free time at may access sa internet. Galing ako sa call center kung saan limitado o kung hindi man, totally walang access sa internet. Kung marunong ka naman gumamit ng proxy, hindi ka rin basta-basta pwedeng mag-access dahil maya't-maya ka papasukan ng tawag at hindi mo alam kung ano doon ang mamomonitor ng QA.

Binabaon ko sa office ang mga librong gusto ko basahin uli, para useful pa rin sana ang idle time ko. Hindi ko rin naman nababasa dahil hindi nga ako naiinip, inaantok naman ako. Kaya sa ganoong pagkakataon, nagbabasa-basa ako ng kung ano-anong meron sa google. Pareho lang namang pagbabasa pero bakit mas interasante yung isa. Kasi ata, sa libro, nakayuko kang magbabasa so bibigat ang batok mo, aantukin ka. Di tulad sa PC, nakakalabo ng mata so magagamit ko ang optical reimbursement. Hindi ko naman maintindihan ang sarili ko kung bakit dala pa din ako ng dala ng libro kahit alam kong pampabigat lang yun sa bag at pampasikip sa drawer.

Hindi ko napansin, yung seatmate ko lang ang pumuna, na lahat daw halos ay kinoconsult ko sa Google. Lagi niya akong nakikitang naggogoogle, at kapag tinatanong niya ko ng mga bagay na hindi ko rin alam, sasagutin ko siya ng "i-google mo". Kapag binigyan niya ko ng "bakit hindi ko naisip yun" look, sasabihan ko siya ng "Everything is in Google". Minsan nga sinasabayan na niya ko at may tono na ang pagsasabi niyan, parang pangcommercial. (Sana madiscover ito ng mga taga-Google at gawin kaming endorser, kahit bayarin na lang yung copyright ng tagline).

Minsan, kinalabit ako ni seatmate para magpaturo kung pano burahin ang comment ng iba sa picture niya sa Facebook. Nagpost kasi siya ng mga bagong pictures at in fairness, post worthy dahil magaganda talaga. Ngayon, kaya pala hindi niya mabura eh dahil comment iyon nung isang tao, sa sariling album nito. Ulit. Isang tao, gumawa ng album, ng pictures ni seatmate. Ha! Isipin mo. Album ng pictures mo. Sa FB account ng iba. At...hindi sila close, schoolmates lang sila nung highschool. Inedit nito yung pictures kung saan binura ang eyebags niya, may lettering pa ng pangalan niya, tinag, at nagcomment ng hindi niya gusto. Alam kong kinakagalit ito ni seatmate pero hindi ko talaga mapigilang matawa. Talk about effort para makapang-asar. Lakas ng sapak. Antimano, aawayin na niya pero pinayuhan ko siyang pag-isipan ang mga sasabihin. Baka sumunod niyan, lahat na ng pictures niya i-edit, tutal mukhang marami naman siyang time para gawin yun (big grin here). So pinakiusapan niya ng maayos na burahin ang mga edited pictures dahil nakaka-offend ito.

Aside sa nakakabobo, isa sa downside kapag maluwag ang trabaho ay yung mamamatay ka sa sa inip sa bagal ng oras. So dahil gusto kong maging useful ang idle time habang naghihintay ng uwian, naisipan kong magtitingin ng pictures ng mga babaeng gusto kong maging kamukha kapag nagpaplastic surgery na 'ko. Andy Manzano. May isang picture niya na nakatawag ng pansin ko. Nung i-click ko na ang picture, nalaman kong hindi naman pala siya yung babaeng basa bathtub na natatakpan ng mga bula. Kasama lang yung pangalan niya sa article kaya lumabas ang picture na ito sa pangalan niya sa google images. Sabi sa article, si Andy daw ay mag hohost ng Party Pilipinas alongside Ellen Adarna. Ellen who? Some girl daw na sumikat sa internet. So bagong search...Ellen Adarna. Normally, siguro hindi ako masyado ma-aamazed enough para i-blog ko pa ito. Pero some months ago, binisita ko ulit yung forum namin ng mga kaklase nung college. At alam ko 'tong kwento na 'to. Pinag-uusapan ang pictures niya sa mga internet forums nung mga nakaraang taon. Ngayon, artista na pala siya at siya pala yung cover girl ng FHM nung December. Siya na pala yun. Nung binasa ko yung article sa FHM (na nasa internet din!), kinilabutan ata ako. Ang ganda lang kasi ng pagkakasulat. Narealized ko ang kapangyarihan ng internet at ng usap-usapan ng tao, how it can make or break you. Pag nagpost ka ng picture mo sa internet, pwede kang sumikat kagaya ni Miss Adarna, or pwedeng babayun ito ng iba kagaya ng ginawa kay seatmate. And there is such a thing as 15 minute fame para sa mga regular na tao. At, dang! Bakit ba hindi ako naging chinita?

Lately ay nagkaroon ulit ako ng interest sa internet forums at online community. Matindi na ata talaga ang kagustuhan kong magkalovelife (joke, pero half meant hehe). Lurking lang. Nakakatawang isipin na kahit hindi nila ako kilala, natatakot akong makuyog sa korning banat at maling opinyon. Kung paanong napapatawa ako ng mga sikat na shows ng mga sikat na artista na kumikita ng milyon-milyon, ganun din ako napapatawa ng mga karaniwang taong ito, minsan higit pa. Gustong-gusto ko din yung exchange ng mga ideas at iba't ibang opinyon. Siguro impluwensiya ng kakapanood ko ng mga American movies and sitcoms, aaminin kong nastereotype ko ang mga ito bilang gawain ng mga losers, loners, at geeks. Alam ko kasi isa ako sa mga iyon. =) At hindi ko iyon dinedeny. I mean, kung cool ako, siguro wala akong time para maggaganito dahil busy ako kakareply sa mga nagtetext sakin, o kaya lagi akong wala sa bahay dahil lagi akong out of town, nasa gimikan, inuman, party, or kaya dates (talagang binabalik ko sa topic ng lovelife, isa pang gawain ng loser, hehe). Pero pwede din naman na gusto ko ito by choice, dahil ito ang hilig ko at interest ko (at namin, kasama silang mga nagtatago sa usernames at profile pic). Interesante sa akin ang totoong tao, dahil bilang wannabe writer, pwedeng pagkuhunan ng inspirasyon at materyal. Ang iba naman ay malayong-malayong matawag na loser dahil sa angking seryosong humor at talent, naghahanap lang siguro ng kapareho ng hilig (ayan bumawi na 'ko, huwag niyo na po akong paabangan sa labasan please).

PUA. May isang kaibigang nagbanggit niyan at nang tanungin ko kung ano ito, sinagot niya ang palagi kong sagot kay seatmate - "google". Pick up artistry pala. Aware ako nang konti dito dahil nanonood ako ng "How I Met Your Mother", at nabrowse ko na ang librong "The Game" sa kakatambay ko sa mga bookstore. Pero may internet forum din pala ito, at tulad ng "The Game" na pati paliligo ay tinuturo, dito halos lahat ng how to meron. Binasa-basa ko ng konti, at natawa ako sa nadiscover ko - "negging", isang method na ginagamit kung saan iinsultuhin or aasarin ng lalaki ang target niya. Hindi ko kasi talaga maintindihan, kung bakit ang isang tao, na hindi mo close ay bababuyin ang pictures mo, na magaganda naman, gagawan ng album sa sarili niyang FB account,itatag pa, at magcocomment ng hindi maganda. Obviously nang-aasar at nagpapapansin dahil siguro 1. binully mo siya nung highschool at ngayon ginagantihan ka. 2. bakla ito at naiinggit sa mga magagandang pictures ng iba. Kinabukasan after the possible "negging", nagreply si schoolmate sa message ni seatmate, and it appears, nagpapacute nga lang talaga. Pero dahil hindi nito nakuha ang inaasahan niya sigurong response (ehem, ehem, may umawat kasi), hindi na din nito tinuloy ang PUA niya. Hindi ko na din pala tinuloy ang pagbabasa ng tungkol sa PUA dahil nalilito ako lalo, napupurnada ang kaunti ko na ngang nalalaman sa pakikipagrelasyon.

Kanina-kanina lang ay sinipag akong basahin ang luma kong libro, at dahil wala akong internet sa bahay, at buong araw ako nagtulog kaya hindi ako inantok, naging successful naman ako sa pagbabasa until maalala ko...na si Bob Ong...tulad ni Ellen Adarna...ay unang sumikat sa internet.

Kaya tumigil muna ako sa pagbabasa.

Ra ra ah-ah-ah, Gaga Ooh La La

Pumasok ako one day nang ganito ang itsura at napansin ng isa sa mga colleague ko na parang may bago sa 'kin. Aside sa bago kong gupit (maikli na naman!), hindi niya masabi kung ano 'yun pero meron daw.

Pastor Jordan dyed his hair bright red, kasi sabi niya, it's one of the things he's got to try before he dies. Ako din may mga ganun kaartehan. Tamang gusto ko lang ma-try.

Itong huli kong sinubukan ay something na hindi ko na po uulitin.

Sirit?

Eyelash Extension. Ang sikreto ni Lady Gaga kaya mukha siyang out of this world.

Rainy Days

It's been raining for weeks now. Ayoko ng umuulan ng ganito katagal. Ang tagal magpatuyo ng damit, basa ang paligid, at sa lugar namin sa bundok na may ginagawang subdivision sa tabi, good luck naman sa putik. Nakakatamad umalis ng bahay. At kahit pa mamotivate mo ang sarili mo na pumasok sa trabaho, timing na timing naman na kung kelan ka paalis ng bahay saka bubuhos ang malakas na ulan. Grrr. Asar talaga.

It's been announced- ibabalik ang account namin onshore. Dahil daw sa healthcare reform act ni Obama. In fairness naman I saw it talaga on TV. Hindi ko pa nga sana ipapaalam sa bahay pero when I saw it on CNN, I went like "Naku totoo yan, yung account namin naapektuhan niyan kaya hanggang November na lang kami." Nacarried away ako.

I wasn't really devastated. Don't get me wrong. I like this account and the people and the company, but the announcement came in a perfect timing. Tinatamad na lahat so it was like, pinipilit mo pang kayanin, pero they decided na for you. What hit me hard is the reality of it all happening right in front of your face. I thought the recession couldnt touch healthcare, because it's healthcare! Americans can give up their internet or cable subscription but they cannot give up on their health. But we've heard that it is one of Obama's agenda to bring the jobs back to the U.S. And it's happening.

So, there I have some serious thinking and planning to do in the next coming days para sa future ko.

Yesterday, one of my colleagues told me somebody says "hi" to me, and at first he wouldnt tell who it was and he wanted me to guess. Syempre hindi ko nahulaan. So he told me, it was his big brother who was my classmate in highschool. And I was shocked that they are even brothers! I knew we saw each other one day, and I knew who he was, pero dedma lang. Well this HS classmate asked his brother if he knows a certain me in the healthcare account, and he's very lucky because we're even teammates! At iniisip ko, ano nga bang mga pangyayari nung nagkita kami. Siguro ang ganda ko nun? At naalala ko...yun yung araw na sumugod ako sa malakas na ulan dahil late na ako at mukha akong basang sisiw.

Kaya ayoko ng ulan. Pero naalala ko, last Sunday sabi ko sa Nanay ko, nakakatamad umalis ng bahay, nakakatamad magsimba dahil sa ulan. Natawa ko sa sagot niya, sabi niya, "Wag, bad! Balance ni God yan, para sa farmers!" sabi ko nalang , "Tama! Para sa rice!"

I've been craving for a salad all-week, Wendy's salad bar style. Hehe, I decided to make my own. Gusto kong matutong magluto ang una kong subok hindi man lang dumaan sa apoy.

the plating and the garnishing isn't bad di ba? =)

Those were the days...

I'm going through this weird thing right now. Everytime I remember the past, I feel sad because I like it better how things used to be. Like in the past 2 years, I like how passionate I was about my faith, how thankful I was and how peaceful I felt. And the past 5 years or so, I like how simple things were. I remember owning a Nokia 1100 for 2 years, by choice, not complaining, and liking it. I was very simple, the things I like were very simple, but I had a very big dream.

I know it's not right to look at the past but hindi ko naman mapigilan. I said before that I have many demons inside. This is one example. I choose to deal with it though and go through it.

There is this consuming desire in me to accomplish something, to do something bigger than myself. I've been going through this "quarterlife crisis" for a few months now and I'm happy to say I am doing better.

I am a lot better than I used to be. In many ways, I am better. I just miss how I didnt have to go through some identity crisis because back then I knew myself, I knew what I want, I was passionate about something and I was a small town girl with a dream.

I am now working on pursuing the things that matters to me, and the things I know counts. Nakakalungkot lang na kailangan ko pang maconfused.

This is why I need God in my life. I'm hopeless without Him.

***********
updated 12/04/2009 . I learned from Kuya Kevin that this is feeling is called "Nostalgia" (a longing for the past).

Mean Girl

I try to be good as much as possible because I feel good if I'm good, I feel terrible if I'm bad. Kaya wala akong bisyo. I don't have a hard time saying no to these things. If there's one thing though that I can't change-it's being cranky.

Lately, sobra 'kong nagiging mainitin ang ulo at mareklamo. And sobra din naman akong nagiging conscious kaya I try to do something about it. There are days that I'm successful, but it's frustrating when I'm not. My colleagues say it's okay, and I convince myself it's okay. But really, I feel awful.

Pano ka ba naman hindi magtataray kung nasa escalation team ka. Before I got into this team, I told myself I won't show some attitude like some of my colleagues. Now after just a few months of doing what they are doing, naiintindihan ko na.

One of the mean girls-that's me. Worried ako dati na kainisan ako sa floor gaya ng mga kasama ko, but now, I reached this point na I don't care. I know kapag naglalakad ako sa floor, may gusto nang pumana sa'kin. I don't like that idea, but really, hindi ko gustong magbago dahil sa iniisip sa'kin ng tao. I want to change kasi something doesn't feel right inside.

Not everyone understand this. I posted a bible verse in my station to remind me about this and I was laughed by one person saying he doesn't believe that. Now may nabasa akong blog of a husband who has the same thoughts about his temper. It is nice to know there are people out there that feel that same was as I do.

Last Sunday I went to VCF Gale and the pastor shared James 1:19-27 which I thought is very timely: ¹⁹My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, ²⁰for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. ²¹Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.

²²Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. ²³Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror ²⁴and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. ²⁵But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.

²⁶If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. ²⁷Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

Gusto kong bumait pero hindi ko magawa.

Oh The Things I did on My Birthday

A day before "the day" I went on VL and because I'm used to being up at night, I was awake when it turned 12am. Funny...I had planned to go to Baguio to read, to think, to relax. But on that exact day, I was in my own room, on my bed, in front of my laptop. In short, the usual. I was supposed to be in Baguio, but instead, I guess I brought Baguio into my room. Napagtripan ko lang magdownload ng podcast ng Basta Lovelife. Wala lang, just to check it out. It's a radio show Kuya Kevin does and it only airs in Baguio. My first thought when i listened to it was, it sounded weird. I sometimes listen to Against the Flow with DJ Jordan and that's the look/sound/feel I was used to in a christian radio program. So when I wasnt getting that vibe, I was like "what is this?" But as I listened to it, I sort of got into it. Kuya Kevin reads a letter from a listener, then Kuya Erwin and him share their thoughts about it. Then in between breaks they'll play a contemporary Christian song. It was like, Love Notes by Joe d Mango and Against the Flow in one show. Imagine that mix! And these are missionaries, not DJ's, but I thought this Erwin guy is really doing a a great job, he really is. His voice isnt like Jordan Escusa's. Not NU material. It's more of what you'll hear in Magic or RX. Ganun.

In the morning, as I listened to the podcast again, more texts and greetings came in, and I remember having this feeling na...this is great.

I usually do not go anywhere on this day. I used to have this feeling na, nothing should go bad this day. If I stay at home, I'm safe, but if I go out there, I'm giving Satan this perfect opportunity to pick on me. Yeah, that's my crazy mentality. But now, I'm going out of my comfort zone. This is just any other day, only special. I agreed to meet Ate Sarah in MegaMall and while I was waiting, I bought myself, a swimsuit. Oh yeah. I thought, with a physique like this it's a shame that I don't own a swimsuit. (it's a joke, you know how I keep on saying I'm rich but I really ain't? Something like that, get it?)

Pagdating ni Ate at konting gala, we decided to go to Shangrila to visit a college friend who works in Topshop. Inaanak ko yung daughter niya who was born on July 24 as well. Pagdating doon, we were told na naka VL siya kasi nga, bday ng anak niya. Bakit ba hindi ko naisip yun? Ah, kasi sa amin, bday mo nga ang hirap ma-approve ng VL, sa bday pa kaya ng anak mo? Anyway, hindi naman nasayang ang pagpunta namin doon kasi may poetry reading event at may banda. Hindi na namin inabutan yung poetry reading, which is sayang, pero ang galing nung banda. And I was thinking, "Wow, I get to enjoy this music for free?" Sa same area, malapit sa carousel, were these video games booths and when I looked behind me for Ate, I saw her playing this car racing game. Ang sakit na kasi ng paa niya so she bought a token so she can sit on the car seat, played the game anyway, and happened to enjoy it, kasi bumili pa siya ng 2 pang tokens. She dreams of driving her own car, so that was kind of her practice. So there we were, two adults, playing car racing and I thought, we look like 2 people trying hard to have a great time on a short budget. But that was fun. And maybe pathetic.

Imimeet ni Ate yung mga friends niya sa Metro Walk and I took my way to Wensha Spa in Roxas Blvd. Ang plano dapat kinabukasan pa 'ko pupunta doon. Naisipan lang, 'sige ngayon na'. I like those sometimes, mga lakad na wala sa plano. Makes me feel I'm adventurous. Ang gusto ko kasi, spend sometime in a quiet place, to read, think and relax, kaya ko naisipang pumunta ng Baguio. Yung nasa harap ako ng fireplace, enjoying a hot choco, nagbabasa, at ang lamig! I like that. Feeling ko may marereveal sakin sa ganon. But I thought, if that's all I want hindi na siguro ako kelangan lumayo. Maybe I can go to a spa, not those places where you have to go after the massage, but a place I can stay, to do the 3 magic words: to read, to think, and to relax. And ate suggested that I go to Wensha.

So I got there at 9pm, like I planned. Kasi if things don't go out well, atleast hindi ako mabobore. I'd be too sleepy I can sleep, as opposed to going there during the day. But I found out that it was crowded kapag ganoong oras syempre nga naman mga galing sa work. And everything I googled about it were true. Except that, I didnt expect it to be that crowded. Like after the shower, I couldnt dive into the steam bath because you have to go in naked with all those other girls. I tried the sauna, but it was so hot, puro usok, hindi ako makahinga. There was a buffet, but I knew it was something I wouldnt enjoy not only because ang daming tao, but you also have to be in the buffet area only in a robe, and I knew mine was medyo maluwag and I'd be too conscious if it's peeking open once in a while. And all the well-lit places where I could read were crowded, and I will not be comfortable reading in a place where there are other people wearing only a robe. So there was nothing left for me to do, but get the massage. Hindi ko ipagpapalit ang Nuat Thai masssage sa Taytay for that, but it was relaxing nakatulog ako. I woke up at around 12, expecting to feel great, but my foot was hurting which I suspect was from the massage. I got up anyway, freshened up, ate from the buffet table and started reading. It wasnt so crowded anymore that time, but I was feeling terrible. My ankle hurts, at inaantok ako. So I went back to bed, and woke up at 4am. I grabbed my book, went back to the spot in front of the TV. Starmovies was showing a film with Lucy Liu on it which was medyo morbid, parang Texas Chainsaw. And I was thinking, "this is supposed to be relaxing, not horrifying". Good thing patapos na pala yun, and up next was "Outsourced" and I thought I should see it since I myself work in a callcenter. It wasnt so commercialized and no one on it is famous, but it was funny. I'm glad I still gave this place a chance because I had a great time, alone, in front of the TV watching that movie. It might have been the best thing that happened to me in that place. That movie ended at 7, left the place at 7:30.

the robe and the magnetic locker key

I arrived at GCF in Ortigas at 8:20 for this event where Kuya Kevin was speaking. Again, I wasnt disappointed at going. Hindi ko expect na nakakatawa pala siya, funny in an effortless, laid back way. I was trying hard to fight back my giggles every once in a while.

Overall, had a great time. One thing I realized though, is that, the things that I enjoyed the most are the simple things - listening to the Basta Lovelife podcasts, watching that band in the Shang, car racing with Ate Sarah and being on that cozy spot in Wensha and seeing "Outsourced".

A Book, Down

One of the many things I want to do this year is to finish reading a John Maxwell's book. I bought a leadership book written by him early this year pero nawala ko, at nakakainis isipin na gagastos ako para bumili ng same book na meron na sana ako, so I bought different title, not to mention much cheaper.

Be All You Can Be. Know of a book that is so good and so entertaining, matatapos mong basahin ng isang upuan? Think about a Bob Ong book and you'll know what I mean. Not this book. Atleast hindi para sa'kin. Ang liit-liit ng librong ito, at ang nipis, pero hirap na hirap akong tapusin. Ang liit pero ang daming laman. Title pa lang mukhang motivating, pero humanda ka. This book will show you where you are, and many times, I wound up feeling disappointed , I have to put the book down.

Hindi naman ako matahik hangga't hindi ko natatapos, kaya, parang Jumanji board lang, nanginginig pa ang kamay kong babasahin ko uli ang librong ito hanggang sa hindi na 'ko makahinga isasara ko uli. Nauseating, ganun.

Well, I wanted to read a new book, but I can't until I finish this one. Parang video game, you can't get to level 2 until you're done with level 1. So I decided to face my fear, and today, it is finished.

Woohooo. Another one down.

He who finds himself loses his misery

I am blogging about this very personal thing, so I will always be reminded, that once, I struggled really hard in finding myself.

The following are lines I heard from Young Americans which I thought is very relevant.

Be yourself. What a cliche. We hear it over and over in literature, fairytales, songs, but we still don't get it. It might be because when we dream we dont worry whether the dream is worthy of us, but whether we're worthy of the dream. So we lose our identities in order to chase what we want. But if we can stay proud of who we are and not run from ourselves, then maybe our dreams, like the prince with the glass slipper, will come find us.

Resolve to be thyself, and know that, he who finds himself, loses his misery.

My Passion Statement

I have this little book called "Live Like You Were Dying" which I got from MV Doulos, and there's this one line from it that I really like, and it says "Do something that makes your heart beat faster every day." There's this other line that I also like, and it says "If you want to hunt tigers, you have to go where the tigers are." I'm such a sucker for good lines and the ones like these have this Red Bull-Extra Joss effect on me, if you know what I mean. Parang you're in some drug, your heart is beating fast, your mind is thinking, and you just want to do something, now! (Yeah, like save the cheerleader, save the world!) Actually this is one of the many factors kaya krung-krung ako the past couple of months- finding what makes my heart beat faster and hunting tigers.

I'm not going into details. Many to mention sabi nga. But one major thing I did- I resigned from handling the Youth Ministry. I still can't say if I did the right thing, but after thinking and praying about it I thought I had to quit.

I force myself to go to work, and I force myself to do ministry. Something tells me this is not what God wants for me. I know God wants me to enjoy, and I am convinced that He was the one who planted the desires in my heart.

The other night I was downloading Youtube clips of Nick Vujicic (an amazing person born without arms and legs) so I can show it sa Youth Service, and I don't know, I stumbled upon videos of Young Americans. I mean full episodes, 45 minute long videos! I can't explain the excitement I was feeling as I see the intro and the opening song run, I thought I had to download them! So I did try to download them but halfway through, the computer shop had to call it a night. What kind of a computer shop closes at 10pm? Killjoy diba? Anyway, I went home that night thinking, "babalikan ko yon, bukas". Yung feeling ng batang excited kasi field trip na bukas, ang dami niyang baon at hindi makatulog, ganun. And I really went back early the next day and I downloaded the videos. I was almost as happy like a bird with a french fry, almost, but not quite. Kasi when I got home, I can't find my USB. I was sure I took it back, so I was thinking I must have dropped it somewhere. Binalikan ko talaga mga dinaanan ko, and my last resort was to go back to the computer shop. I didnt think I could find it there, because I was sure I took it off the port, and secondly, who wouldnt be interested in keeping it? But just for the thought na ginawa ko lahat, I went back. And my USB was still there. The nice lady who used the PC after me surrendered it to the counter, and that was such a glorious time for me.

And I thought, this is how it feels. To like something so much, your knees tremble, you will do everything for it.

No, I will not kill for Young Americans and no, it's not my passion. It's just that it came around the time when I was really into this something, and seeing it again now, reminds me that there was a time I wanted this something so bad, and it makes my heart beat faster again.

Passion. Pursuing it...makes you krung-krung.

Just For a Season

Noong unang call center job ko, sa Ambergriss, I had an amazing friendship with my colleagues. But after 3 months, there was a major change and some of us couldnt continue working for that account we were with, and we had to part ways. I was broken hearted. Ganito pala 'tong industry na 'to. You will open yourself to people, only to find, it doesn't last. My sister told me I could always keep in touch, but I knew it's different from actually being with them always. We would not always be available and we would meet new friends in our new jobs. We could keep in touch, but the friendship will no longer grow. One of the many acquaintances na lang yung dating friendship.

So sa nilipatan kong company, I was putting walls around me. I remember the group of girls I was part of was planning to go swimming in the province. And I was like, no way, I'm not going anywhere with you this early. I am not going to meet your family in the province this early. I could use their company at work, that's it, no strings attach. I was afraid of liking them so much that when it's time to leave for good, it would hurt. They noticed it and I told them why I was like that. Well, I worked with them for a year, so things changed. I was the first one to resign in our group. And that day when I resigned, I forgot to bring my stuff back home, like my pillow and the stuff in my desk, kasi I badly wanted to go home immediately, as saying goodbye to everyone and seeing their sad faces was killing me.

When I left Team Chester because I was transferred, I was sick to my stomach. That's me. Hindi ako FC (feeling close) but when I get attached to a puppy that puppy stays with me. Now Bernie and Jackie just resigned, almost at the same time. Nakakalungkot. New people can fill in the spot they left, but it's not us anymore, it will be a team of people with the same TL and same team name.

Well, sa 2 taon tinagal ko sa work kong ito ngayon, I've seen people come and go. I've learned to be used to it.

I like to quote Pastor Joel Osteen, "There are other people that God brings to your life for a season. We have to accept the fact that things are changing. When God closes a door, it is because God has something better in store. Let them go. Your destiny is not tied to the people that walked away. If you try to make it work and it didn't, accept it as God's plan. Don't fight change. God will always bring the right people in your life." Excerpts from his sermon Living without Crutches.

Slumdog, underdog and puppy crush

I know it's overrated, but I can't help liking Slumdog Millionaire. It is simple but genius.

As I was you-tubing the movie and the Jai-ho dance, I stumbled upon the videos of lead actor Dev Patel's interviews and guestings with those major shows and, I can't help myself, I was drooling over this amazing guy! He may have an Indian descent, but he's actually British having been born and raised in London. But I can't care less about his nationality, he is a sweet boy! Only 18 but very smart. He is also funny, humble, nice and a good-dresser!

When he was asked what it is about the movie that people love, he said "I guess it's the universal underdog story." (and world peace!)

Speaking of underdog, the same goes with Susan Boyle. This is an eye opener. A person has a gift inside, you can never judge a person just looking on the outside.

Funny how people fall for these amazing underdog, rags to riches, Cinderella stories, and yet everyone wants to be on top, hating and jealous of each other, when it's cool to be simple and humble.

Dear God, please let me meet someone like Dev Patel, only make him the same age as me because 18 is too young. But I like the same qualities, and the sexy British accent would be such a bonus too. Thank you.

Good girl ba kamo?

Last Saturday, Team Chester had a team building in Antipolo. I was half hearted to join kasi, it was on a Saturday night and the next day is a Sunday which is a busy day for me. So I didnt show up sa kitaan, I decided to just sleep. Later at night, I woke up with Tl's text, asking me where I was. I wanted to reply that I was not going. I closed my eyes again determined to go back to sleep, but I couldnt. Ginugulo ang konsensiya ko. Matutulog na lang ba ako uli?

I jumped out of bed. I decided to go anyway, dahil ang buhay ko ay bahay-trabaho-bahay-trabaho-simbahan-bahay-trabaho-bahay-
trabaho-mall. Tapos nagrereklamo ako na boring ang buhay ko and I need a life!

Naghintay akong sunduin sa landmark ng isang oras, which pissed me off bigtime. Pero dahil nalaman kong meron sa kanila ay 2 hours naghintay at 3 hours naman pala sila nagbiyahe dahil may mga sinundo pa, at traffic, naisip kong hindi ako ang pinakakawawang tao sa mundo at napatawad ko din sila.

Kapag nalalasing si TL, nagtatransform siya, parang the Hulk. Naging si Chester the Monster na naman siya nun, at naisipan niya kaming ipag-iitsa sa pool. Sa totoo lang, medyo nainis ako kasi, nakapants ako at yung suot ko eh yun din ipang-uuwi ko. Bumilib ako kay Bernie. Nasa bulsa pala ng shorts niya yung celphone niya at yun nabasa at nasira. Kesa daw mainis siya, ipapagawa na lang niya. Kung sa akin nangyari yun, sisirain ko ang araw nilang lahat at sisiguraduhin kong walang masaya. Pero dahil okay na okay sa 'kin yung attitude ni Bernie, nagpalit na lang ako ng swimming shorts at nagsaya-sayahan sa pool.

I do not know if she's always like that, but I saw how she reacted on that situation, and I thought that was really cool. Kasi ako pag-uwi ko, inaway ko yung kapatid ko at nagulo bigla ang bahay. Not to mention I have also been very mean to the agents calling SAG.

I call myself a good girl, not really because I am one, pero gusto ko talaga maging kasing bait ng mga tulad ni Bernie.

Not as half

I can never be as great a mother my Nanay is, not as half as great she is. She is so giving, she is so consistent and never wavers with her faith like me. She has a great sense of moral values, and she is the source of strength of the family because she is always on her toes, never shaken. She is confident but humble. She has a big and beautiful heart, it would take thousands of words to explain it. She'll be a great lola, I see it the way she treats the dogs that I love! I can let them wait for food, but Nanay treats them as their apo, she couldnt stand see them hungry and cooks for them and feeds them. =) This family will fall apart if not for her.

I can never be as great she is. Even if I try so hard. Never.

Hindi Makabasag Pinggan?

Without knowing that I was reading his IM replies, a guy told another person that I'm "mahinhin". Aaminin ko, pumalakpak ang tenga ko dun. It was nice to hear, maybe because it came from a guy, secondly, it is something new. Wala pang nagsasabi sakin nun.

Kapag narinig 'to nang mga kaklase ko nung college, maraming magpoprotesta. Sobrang kulit ko noon I'd say it damaged my reputation.

On one team building activity just recently, one person decribed me as "hindi makabasag pinggan". That's it, I thought. This has got to stop. I really do not take it negatively, I actually like it. But this is a crime of misleading people! Mahinhin is too much to take, being called "hindi makabasag pinggan" would be such a duty. Ang hirap panindigan, it like being an ambasadress of goodwill, or the Miss Universe. High maintenance!

Modesty aside, I was called a few times a "Maria Clara", not because of how I behave, but because of my old-fashioned approach in courtship and dating.

But "mahinhin", is sooo not me. I talk like a boy sometimes, I LOL, I shriek like a pig to be slaughtered when I see Jake Cuenca on TV, and I'm wa-pose 90% of the time! At kahit ako nahihiya sa sarili ko kapag nagagalit ako.

Maybe I am not yet comfortable because I cannot show the real me yet. But it really is neat to be known as someone who is gentle, and softspoken and yeah..."mahinhin". Haha, akala lang niya 'yun.

Happy Thoughts

TL Chester noticed that if we are in a good mood, it reflects in our performance. So just like Adam Sandler in Happy Gilmore, maybe we can think of our own "happy place" to brighten up our moods.

Languange coach AJ made me write all my spiels in a paper (How may I help you today?, etc) and to remind me to smile always, he asked me to put a smiley after each sentence. =) Naweirdohan ata siya sa smiley ko because he asked, "do you smile like that, sideways?" (AHAHAHAHA. I really thought that was funny).

The past 2 months have not been really good. The internship adjustment is hard already, and my stats didnt really cooperate to make it worst. And not to mention I am having a tough time doing ministry. I only survive because God is good.

But during the times that I get so down, and yeah, I would end up crying, there is this "happy thought" that would not fail, yeah, never fails to make me smile. If I start to dwell on that thought, my mind is slowly leaving this body and start flying to happy land. And I can totally relate to how Colbie Calliat's feeling in her song "Bubbly". Then I would start convincing God, that this makes me happy talaga and sana, one day, He'll grant me my heart's desire.

I dropped by GenCon again one time, and the word for that day was about Christian's being a messenger of hope to this pessimistic world. Two pessimists met daw and instead of shaking hands, they shook their heads. =) Now there was this guy who is starting to get bald, but there was a kid who was so optimistic, instead of thinking the guy was losing his hair, he was just gaining face. HAHA. Cute.

I notice I look better in photos if I wasnt smiling. Walang wala eh, pang high fashion kasi yung mukha ko, mas maganda pag serious. Now why do I post those silly smiling shots? Mababaw kasi ako at kayang-kaya akong patawanin nang walang effort. And I am thinking, that is how I look like most of the time. Yeah, I'm bungisngis and I LOL-K-LOL, (laugh out loud kung laugh out loud). The pastor said that Christians should be bringing sunshine to overcome the darkness of this world. I think it would be nice to be Little Miss Sunshine. Haay, but because I was gifted with a melancholic temperament, I am naturally negative. So, it takes an effort to be positive, and I am getting better at it I think. Sometimes, the "happy thoughts" help.

Mission Accomplished

I have accomplished the 49th item on my things to do in 2009: Send Tatay off to a vacation to homeland Davao. It was an idea I thought of before but have never really taken seriously until last year. Hindi ako matatahimik kapag hindi ko 'to nagawa. So last December, I made a little magic with my finances and bought the tickets for 2 for a flight in March!

The day came. It was a Saturday morning and Ate and I accompanied our parents to the airport. It was reaaaaly traffic in C5. If the passengers don't show up 45 minutes before the scheduled departured, they will give the seats to chance passengers. We arrived 40 minutes before the flight, we were only 5 minutes late and the seats were already taken. We had to rebook so they can fly on the same day. The next flight was 2 hours later.

I lined up to rebook along with the many late passengers. Ang bagal ng pila grabe! Ate took our parents to the waiting area and bought them chicken joy and fed them. Tatay didn't want to eat yet, but she insisted saying there will be no time to eat later. I got the new tickets after an hour and we accompanied the folks to board the plane. We were only allowed up to a certain area, but Ate refused to leave until they were out of sight. I didnt realized she was like that. We were relieved to know na sa wakas, kahit may aberya, tuloy ang biyahe nila. The way we ate our lunch, hindi masyadong halatang napagod kami. We were talking and one point was raised- that day, we were like the parents and the folks were like the kids.

But the time came to for us to be kids again! We toured around the new terminal 3 and took pictures! We went to Rockwell after that, and I was practically unconscious sa FX pauwi. Wala pa kasi akong tulog.

When our parents came home, they were so dark from swimming at the beach and Tatay even had sunburn on his back. Talicud Island, Davao, Philippines. Haha. Tatay has been telling us about this place ever since we were little. Ate went there in 2007, and she liked it so much she was so supportive of me with this idea. Now, Nanay has been there too, where the people in the island are mostly your relatives. She even saw the piece of land Tatay inherited. It's not much she said, but it's enough to have an island paradise living.

After almost a week, Tatay said "thank you" again to me. It's been a week na daw, and he was still teary eyed. Fifty years, that's how long it took for him to step foot on his hometown (or home island) again. The day before their flight, Enna the dog died and we were sad. And he said, that might have been the price for the happiness he was feeling. Hay, emo din si Tatay. But knowing that he was happy, was the main point of this whole thing, and if the vacation made him happy, then all the sacrifices, all the aberya, are all worth it!

Internship Blues

Service Assistance Group- ito ang team na kinabibilangan ko ngayon bilang isang "isme" (SME) o Subject Matter Expert. Intern lang ako. Sa totoo lang, hindi talaga ako "expert". Minsan lang talaga, ironic ang mundo. Kung kelan ka effort na effort at kung kelan gustong-gusto mo yung isang bagay, hindi mo makuha-kuha. Pero kung kelan ka pa relaks lang, dun pa darating sa'yo. Sa kasong ito, dun ako sa pangalawa. Alam ko maraming iba na gustong-gusto itong pwesto ko ngayon, kaya hindi maintindihan ng iba kung bakit noong una eh umaayaw-ayaw pa ko. Parang sa audition yan eh, kung sinong napadaan na nga lang, siya pang nakuha. Alang-ala eh, ganun talaga kaming magaganda, mas napapansin.

Bakit nga naman hindi gugustuhin ang title na ito. Kahit intern lang, napadala na ko sa training para magconduct ng mock calls sa mga trainees. As in mock calls, dahil minock ko sila, pinaikot-ikot at tinakot-takot. Bwahaha. Biro lang. Malinis naman ang intensyon ko, gusto ko lang silang matuto. At dati, nakikinig lang ako sa mga SME's nag nagroroll-out, pero ngayon, isa na din ako sa mga nagroroll-out ng updates sa mga teams. At dun ko narealize na nakakainis pala kapag salita ka ng salita tapos yung kausap mo umiikot-ikot yung mata. Pero kasama sa titulo ang karapatang kunin ang atensyon ng agent at utusan siya ng "makinig ka". Bilang SME, nakapagfloorwalk na din ako sa nesting class, at naranasan kong pagtinginan na as if ako ang rumored na bagong teacher sa school. At pinakatrabaho namin na tumanggap ng calls galing mga agents na nanghihingi ng assistance at saluhin ang kanilang escalated calls. Alam mo yun, minsan uulitin mo lang naman yung sinabi ng agent pero mas tatanggapin ng caller kapag naggaling sa akin kasi SME ako. Woah! Bigtime diba? Gustong-gusto ko rin yung idea na, dati, hindi ako kilala sa floor, pero ngayon, sikat na ko!!! Woohoo! (kasi ata pinag-uusapan ako na bakit ako ang nakuha at hindi yung iba, hehe) Pero hindi pa iyan ang biggest perk. Sa esca, sobrang avail! Minsan ang next call mo after 20 minutes pa. Woah! Eh dati nga kapag itinutulog ko ang 15 minute break ko, malayo na ang nararating ko, nakakabalik pa ko! Ibig sabihin, kapag inaantok ako, which is, palagi, pwede ko munang ipikit ang mata ko, depende sa avail time! Wow, this is the life...

Okay, iyon yung mga pros. Syempre meron din cons. Parang news yan eh, inuna mo lang yan good, pero meron din bad.

Dumadating ako sa point na, naiisip ko, this is not working for me. Parang bagong sapatos, pinilit mong maging komportable, hinahanapan mo ng mababagayang damit, pero wala, it just doesnt fit, or out of style talaga at walang dating. Hindi ako komportable, ni hindi ako makapagfloorwalk ng taas noo. I feel so humbled, na parang, the title is too much I just can't measure up. I feel so awkward, maraming beses, pakiramdam ko, at alam ko din, nagmumukha akong tanga. Nagroroll-out ako minsan, halatang-halatang kinakabahan ako, nanginginig ang boses ko pati kamay ko, ni hindi ko kayang mag strictly EOP (English Only Policy)! One time pa, inapproach ko itong isang TL na pogi pa naman para i-pull out yung agent niya. Wala, hindi ko alam kung naintimidate lang ako dahil cute siya, pero I totally mixed up the names altogether, sabi ko, "Hi TL, I'm looking for Gary, pull out for the roll-outs". Ang pangalan ng TL ay Gary. Lalong naguluhan ang TL nang kinorek ko ang sarili ko kasi wala ata siyang agent na may pangalan na sinabi ko, pero dahil mas matalino siya kesa sa akin, nagets din niya, at nang lalapitan ko na ang agent, natapilok pa ako. Great! Talk about smooth moves. Sinadya ko talaga yung para hindi niya ko makalimutan.

My stats just proved the point even better. Nagevaluate ang TL ko ng isa kong recording, and it was an error. Buti na lang TL coaching lang iyon, at hindi external QA. We did a practical quiz, isa ako sa 3 hindi nakuha ang sagot. I was floorwalking once, and the other most experienced floorwalkers was asking me for verification, kasi nga, even though they have the most experience, I have the title naman. And there was a time, I went just blank to one of the questions. At ang customer survey ko ay mostly failing, at ang root cause, I'm too soft, I don't sound assertive and believable daw. I feel I really didnt have what it takes: product knowledge, experience, comm skills and the assertiveness to own up to being a Subject Matter Expert. I even broke down once, I couldnt hold back the tears, I did it with them around. Nung nagkaroon uli ako ng failing survey, TL even had to take me off the phone, and the rest of them were treating me like a baby, which I appreciate, but I'm not there to be a baby, I'm supposed to be there to contribute to the team. I just feel inadequate.

Sabi nang iba sa kanila, normal lang daw ang pinagdadaaanan ko, kasi naging ganito din sila. Yung isa nga daw nilagnat nung first week niya. At yung isa, was so depressed, she was crying nang walang dahilan. Pareho silang almost mag-resign. The good thing about me though, is that, I love this job, kung mawala sa akin ang posisyon, hindi guguho ang mundo ko kahit maging regular agent uli ako.

Ewan ko. Ni hindi ako nachachallenge to do even better the next time. Natatakot ako sa next time, kasi baka failing na naman. Wala siguro akong ambisyon sa buhay, tama na sa akin ang sumweldo.

Haay...this is so negative. So emo.

This could be perfect for me: Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. TIMO CRUZ, Coach Carter, 2005

But I'm just not feeling it. (hehe, parang hiphop, do you feel me? do you feel me?)

I will see in the coming days...

Happy New Year

Honestly speaking, nagsara ang 2008 na hindi ako satisfied. I was excited for 2008. I called it the "year of possibilities". I had my plans, was very positive and before I knew it, bagong taon na naman.

Nung una, ayoko nang ma-excite for 2009. Skeptic na. I didnt really care in 2007, but a lot of things has happened that year. So I thought, if I take 2008 seriously, maybe even better things would happen. But it went by so fast. Really, I think 2008 went by so fast. I was going like, "realy, 2009 na? What happened in 2008? What happened in my year of possibilities?" Okay, so I helped a few people, enjoyed doing ministry and learning new things, went through trials and came out stronger, bought some stuff for myself, started wearing braces, and had my hair rebonded and colored. Yeah. I spent so much for myself this year than in any other year. Nga pala, I became "the" Youth Leader in our church and not to forget, we have Pablo added to the family this year. Not bad I guess, huh?

So I decided to put my skeptism aside, and believe again, that 2009 is the year of more possibilities. =) I will live life to the fullest, splurge some more money to myself, get out of my comfort zone and be open to "possibilities", all this and still live responsibly. Yeah, like, I will try doing drugs pero hindi ako mandadamay and I will never get caught. =) Biro lang.

Binasa ko uli yung 2008 New Year's Resolution ko from my old journal, and it was like I just wrote that list a few months back, now 2008 is over pass-your-test papers time na. Maybe I did accomplished some, some I definitely didn't. But I'm keeping the same list, maybe modify it a little.

For the record, I was spending the New Year's Eve at work for two consecutive years now. Sana this year nasa bahay na 'ko magbagong taon.