Aslan

A few days ago, I had a heated argument with mom about the theology of deserved tragedy. I just felt I had to say it to her. I can't let her walk around telling people that when bad thing happens it's God correction. Not always mom.

Here's how it happened. I told her that my colleague's house got caught in a fire and they lost everything. I told her they are Christians too. I told her this because I thought it could be a nice topic for a conversation. But instead, she said something that ignited an unreasonable reaction from me. 

This is my mother I am talking about. I know she is not the unloving judgemental Christian lady I accuse her to be. She is the best person I know. If anything, she is just like me - we just can't express our thoughts very well.  It's just that, I am easily angered by this issue lately. It's kind of personal to me. 

I met this person who's done terrible things in the past. Like broke one of the ten commandments? Not murder, but the one that has to do with someone else's wife? I know! Let's just say  I would sometimes ignore people who I can't respect. So if he is all that and I still want to talk and hang, I must have found something, right? (That, or I'm a poor judge of character). I found myself wishing he would know of God's love and how deep and wide and perfect it is. This is still true even after he told me he [also] likes another girl. This is not me.

While I have no trouble admitting that I am angry, broken, unloving and unlovable, let down and hurt, I still have the resolve to talk about God's love, because none of what I did or what has been done to me can make me change my mind about it. And I'm not even that kind of a believer who openly talks and posts about my faith. I just feel passionate about this.  I am saddened that there are people who are allergic to the idea of God because He was misrepresented by religion and people who claim to be His followers. Myself included. 

God is Aslan in Narnia. He is strong and powerful but we need not worry because He is good. He disciplines those He loves but His voice is gentle that would lead us to repentance. I am not a pastor or theologian. I am talking from experience I guess.

I wrote this on my cellphone right after my mom walked out on me. I wanted to justify my behaviour to deal with the guilt. A few hours later, she came back as if nothing happened. She really is one of the better people in the world.

Five years

Five years ago, I only took this job because I needed to be busy or I'd be depressed for not getting the job I wanted in another company. Turns out this place is better than the one I didn't get. God closes doors because He has something better.

The Last 7 Years

I thought about it before. That as I age, I start to feel my life is changing. It's not the same and it will never be again, and I feel the discomfort. 

Yesterday is another milestone. A part of my life for the last 7 years has been taken away, and it's like a proof, a mark, that a chapter has ended. That life is really moving on and there are things we cannot take with us on to the next phase.

It was a Saturday and I got home late, like 3pm late because I had brunch with Josie to unwind after a work week. It was a usual Saturday, until Tatay broke the news to me. 

"Wala na si Pablo anak." He just said that my favorite dog who is like a son to me has died.

For a few seconds there, I lost it. My sanity, your composure. 

I got myself together immediately and began asking questions. I cried. Then calm down. Then cried again. Then calm down again. 

Tatay woke up that that morning and found him dead. We didn't know he was sick. He didn't think he was in pain. 

The next few things I did was to check what was left. 

I saw the part of our yard where he was buried. I was cool. When I got a hold of his collar and chain, it was crazy crying lady all over again.

I looked at pictures of him on my phone. The most recent one was when he climb this very high ladder at this house I am building. I was on the second floor talking to my brother. Then we saw him. On. The. Second. Floor. I thought I had a mini-stroke. Or not. Our confusion was followed by laughter. So he climbed the high ladder. There is nothing so weird about that. Just a very special loving dog who would climb anything just to be with his master. I remember feeling super proud. I know dogs. I bet only 1 in 100 dogs can do this. Some of those who can are in circus and are trained.

Anyway, I decided to look for other pictures of him. I found this selfie video I took with him in 2012. I was kissing him and making lambing to him, I started to get teary eyed as if I knew that I was gonna be looking back at this video one day. 

I found photos of him growing up on this blog. I held him from when he was a baby until he was so big for me to carry. If I knew he was sick and gonna die, I would have wanted to be touching him and hugging him until the time it happened. I held him when he was a newborn, but it's not as important because he doesn't know any of that yet. I wanted for him to know that all these years and until this time hes dying, he is loved. I'm sure he would have wanted that. He would have wanted me beside him.

I also realized how much this blog and my writing is more about writing for myself. I have blogged and wrote about Pablo and I'm so thankful I did. I wondered why I didn't write more. Pablo died old and weak but I've  accounts of him when he was young and growing up. It's so nice to have this to look back to and be reminded of.

***

When Pablo's mom Enna died years ago, it was also like this. I got home from work one morning and she's dead. I guess I was traumatized by that. There are mornings going home from work when I would imagine coming home and Yogi or Pablo has died. "No, no, no, no," I would whisper to myself. 

This was not one of those days. I didn't have that feeling. He didn't eat the day before but I thought he was just "nagtatampo". We're treating his mange which I suspect he got from other dogs. I don't want him to get more mange and infect other dogs so we tied him. Pablo hates the chain. If we do something Pablo is upset about, he shows it to us by not eating. I thought it was one of those.

I actually blame myself. It was all my call.

My parents console me by saying Pablo is old. People die, so are dogs. Yeah, but I wasn't prepared for it. With my crazy baby dog talk I always tell Pablo that - "Pablo don't die yet ha. Hindi pa ready si Mommy."

I cried myself to sleep last night. I woke up a couple of times and I would cry again. What happened yesterday wasn't a dream. Every time I woke up Pablo is gone, and this is the reality moving forward. He's not gonna be on the floor, under my bed, in any part of the house. Anymore. 

Gift Certificates

Oh, hello. It's been a while since the last time I posted anything here. If you stop doing something for a while, you get rusty at it. I must admit I am having a hard time writing this now. 

So I've been busy. Or something to that effect. The past weeks felt like I was always running out of time, like it's never enough. My eyes were literally swollen due to lack of sleep. I was always late at work. I stopped going out and I skipped attending church because I thought I could use the free time for some me time and resting. I felt so tired and because of this I would sometimes skip a day at work too. It was a difficult time.

I also turned 32 last month. Yep, officially off the calendar. I thought I wouldn't have the birthday blues because I was busy but nope, it still kicked in. I thought it was one of my saddest birthdays ever because I realized, the older I get, the fewer friends I have. The responsibilities that come along with growing old makes us see our friends less and less. Careers, pregnancy, marriage and kids. I sacrificed my social life for what I thought was most important to me. So when my birthday came around, it manifested, you only get what you give. The redeeming factor though is that as I put my family first, in return, I am now beginning to have a healthy relationship with my sister. Like how it's supposed to be. And my solid friends remembered :) 

I knew I am in a season in life and faith but I also thought it's been going on for a long time already. I was waiting for it to end and when I realized it's not happening yet, I gave up. I stopped praying. I got tired of saying the same things only to see it get worse. I got tired of church so I quit that as well. I felt I don't belong with these bunch of happy people. To me, their joy was corny, self-righteous and fake. I cannot identify with them and I thought they will not be able understand me. I'm just done with this God thing. I didn't denounce Him but I felt I needed a break from this. If He was working in my life, changing and molding me, then I didn't want it. I wanted Him to leave me alone.

I am also broke, for the first time after a really long time. I've been into the habit of saving since I started working so I couldn't really remember a time that I was out of money. Dati when I say I'm broke, I just didn't have any cash or money in my ATM but I've some money stored somewhere that I didn't want to touch. But this time, I'm really it or something close to it. I am building this house which wiped out my entire savings and left me with a few debts. This why I say I was busy.  This is why nagtampo ako sa Diyos. I thought this is a good thing to do but why isn't He making it easy for me?

My redemption came from the most unlikely of circumstances.

I won $100 worth of gift certificates from being the top seller at the upselling project I was part of which just ended. It was funny because, for one, I suck at upselling. It's not possible for me to win at this. Secondly, how fitting for me to bag those GCs at the time when I was running broke. Thirdly, it happened at the time when I was in rebellion against God. 

A few weeks back, I had already won nine thousand worth of GCs from the office raffle. But before winning that, I had given cash help to 2 cousins so I thought winning the GCs is just God giving it back to me. I  hardly even used up these GCs because I was saving them. Now, here are more GCs given to me at the time when I should be the last person to be blessed. When I won the raffle GCs, I jumped up and down. When I won the upselling GCs, I shook my head. I felt my heart melting, it was as if I heard the Lord say "You're out of your mind, but I love you. Here are GCs. Buy something and don't starve yourself."

Two of my faith struggles has been resolved through this. I've been hearing about it before but I understand it better from experiencing it.

One, I can never do anything to earn God's love. He gives it freely. When I would have set backs, it's hard not to be tempted to think that it might be because I was praying less or not being Mother Teresa enough. Maybe I should do more. They say grace is given free but I found myself working to earn it. Then I would just quit trying and be bitter because I knew that I can never try hard enough. I don't always like to pray. Sometimes I like to watch movies, or listen to music, or look at pictures of nice clothes and shoes. But at the time that I didn't want anything to do with Him, He still made sure that I get to eat and buy shampoo and toothpaste. And more. Does this mean we can go ahead and do whatever the hell we want because God loves us anyway? I don't think so. That's not what it did for me. God's loving kindness leads us to repentance. 

There is an opening for a promotion at work and I got shortlisted. It was the opening that I want and was waiting for. Yesterday I was interviewed for it. How'd it go? Let me put it this way. I can remember two job interviews I've had in my life that stood out as the most horrible; my first ever job interview when I was 21, and that one I had yesterday. Yep, it was that bad. It sucks to not get the promotion, it's sucks more to be adding one more embarrassing moment in my life! It's discouraging to realize how hard it is to be promoted at this company and no matter how hard I try, I will always mess the interview part because of this stupid stage fright. Then I remembered being the top seller. The only possible reason for that to happen was God's turning things around because I had to get the GCs coz I'm broke. 

So the second faith struggle that got addressed through this experience is that in life, the results are not always based on what we do or what we deserve. We need God's mercy. His glory is sometimes manifested in our weakness. 

When I came out of the interview room yesterday, I went back to my work station and buried my face on my desk. I didn't want to show my face to anyone. Then I found myself asking God to lift up my head (literally). Then I thought, it's normal to feel bad like this if something unfavorable happens. But I cannot always be driven and controlled by my circumstances. God still sits on the Throne and my work is not defined by one bad interview. And I have to learn to laugh at myself. 

So I told this story over breakfast with my friends at work after shift yesterday morning. The last time the four of us went out together was December of last year. We missed this so we were having a really great time. Then we noticed this cute guy from the kitchen handing out food for the waiters to serve. I don't think he's the chef, he cleaned the ceiling at one point during our stay. But he is cute, not ultra handsome, but very easy on the eyes. Overflowing with sex appeal. I'm sure he noticed that our table is drooling over him. I'm sure that the next thing he did was make papansin and pacute. I'm sure he made eye contact to me. I told you about how bad I did at the interview, so I'm not always delusional. I can self assessed. When I say that the guy made eye contact with me, it really happened. Then I thought, there's more to eye contact and flirting. It would be nice to date and get to know someone again.

Me Too

From the many downloaded movies I saw for a while, these three characters hit close to home:

• Johanna Mason, Catching Fire - She's perpetually angry, but she's not the enemy. I also have crazy temper outbursts that I'm not proud of because deep inside I don't think I am as horrible as I appear to be. I just happened to be in an environment or season in life where it's hard to be gentle.

• P.L. Travers, Saving Mr. Banks - My father has a lot to do with how I think, behave and make choices. 

• Daisy Kensington, Barefoot - I don't think my weirdness is as extreme as hers. But for a long time my world revolved just around family and a few friends and for this I feel socially inept. 

Punta Na!

Our operating unit at work had this year's summer genmeet in Punta de Fabian, Baras Rizal. T'was fun. That's all I have to say about that. And I wanted to post some pictures.

Grouped randomly, we are the Pintados

I loved it! Feel na feel ko muntik kong ipantulog.

Josie and Edz, my girlfriends at work. Gherry missed it this year, she's pregnant.

 With my teammates while waiting for dinner, wala pang tulog yan.

Monopod self-we.

 We won 3rd place in the costume and presentation. Champion at the games. 

 Ang ipinagmamalaking infinity pool.

This might be the most fun I did the summer of 2014. Kbye.

Why?

Random thought. It sometimes happens that there are people who care about me or give me the time of day, and I don't know why. I don't know what it is that they see in me.

I think I care about this one person. I'm not sure. Maybe I do and I don't know why.

Jasper, This is How You Remind Me

Yesterday on my way to Greenbelt I saw Jasper at the overpass holding hands with his wife. Jasper was this guy from HR who facilitated the onboarding when I first joined this company. Funny, smart, articulate, he is also nice and not bad looking. I developed a crush on him and I was not alone. Other guys couldn't disagree, they don't have anything bad to say about the dude. We all know he is likeable. He has left the company for quite some time now but the thought of him still makes me dreamy. Discounting the fact that he has a wife, which by the way I didn't know at first, he was the kind of guy who would make a girl want to be good. A party girl would want to just stay at home, watch after his dog and read . All these while waiting for him to come home. Then she would feed him dinner, his favorite by the way, which she has worked hard to learn.

This is worth mentioning because its refreshing to remember how it feels to be attracted to a guy. Relationships and dating has been disappointing for me I just lost interest. It's like surfing. It's cool and fun to think about and it makes you excited. So you buy some surfing outfit, hop on to some surfing destination and then actually surf. Then reality hits you. It's not as easy as it looks like. It takes a lot of practice. You would fall many times but it's part of it. You would have to endure the heat of the the sun until you're not willing to be burnt any further. So you give up on trying and just go back to your cottage where it's not as fun, but atleast it's comfortable. You kind of accept that it's not for you. You're less experienced and not as adventurous for this. That's what happened to me and dating.

Right now I am not really looking for someone, but I thought maybe if I meet someone interesting enough, like Jasper, or Ben Schwartz, I might not be able to help myself. 

Cherry Bomb

Last Sunday, I cancelled going to this church Valentine event Kars helped put together. Nanay felt sorry for me. "Enjoy your life", sabi niya. It was not a command. It was a plead. I just scrunched up my face. Wala ako sa mood kahit magsalita pero hindi ko mapigil kapain ang malaki kong tigyawat sa mukha. "Anak..." my mother began again. "Wag mo hawakan". I stopped and looked away. My mother knew the pimple bothers me and I felt embarrassed by it.

I went to my room and lie in bed feeling bad that it was going to be Monday again tomorrow. Umabsent ako nung Friday and I don't feel comfortable going back to work kapag umaabsent ako. VL okay lang, absent, no. Lalo na kung dahil sa katamaran lang. Aside from feeling guilty for being an irresponsible worker, I feel ugly too. Ang huli kong ligo ay nung Friday pa. I was feeling smelly and sticky but I don't want to take a bath. It's one of those days you're just not in the mood to be on earth.

And then a thought hit me. Wow. I am such a loser.

I have been in a season of struggle and discomfort for quite a while now. I was trying to fight but I feel nothing is getting better. Everything is going downhill and that makes it even more frustrating. It is getting the best of me. It has made me a monster, ask the people around me they know. I am acting like a real douche. But this, this time in my room is a real moment. Nawala na ang paniniwala ko kahit sa paliligo. Bakit pa kailangan maligo? Gumi-give up na ako.

Another story. There was this time a guy in church in made me cry. This was the first week of February and sermon series is about love. The whole thing has just ended and we were already closing with prayer. I was not supposed to have my eyes open but I remember seeing this guy approach the pastor in front and whispered something to him.

After the prayer ended, he took the microphone and began his speech. He says he feels the Lord is asking him to tell us that the opposite of love is not hate but indifference. Indifference by definition means lack of concern or enthusiasm. As he goes on, I felt my face scrunched up. I bowed down my head and the tears started happening.  We cry over movies but I don't like if it's over something I heard in church. These are people I don't know and sometimes I get to a point of being inconsolable. There was a time I was still crying while leaving church even until I was on the jeepney on the way home. I don't like crying in church.

May mga taong madaling magustuhan. They don't have to try so hard. They're so likeable and admirable they don't even know it. On the otherhand, meron din mga taong ang sarap tirisin. That I wish they know. I work at night and sleep during the day, and there were a few times nagigising ako ng wala sa oras dahil may nagaganap na papatintero ng naghihiyawang bata sa harap ng bahay namin. When that happens I go Walter Mitty in my head. Gusto ko sila silang i-cherry bomb na parang mga zombies because they get into my nerves and eat my brain. There was also a time I yelled at this teenager boy who was throwing stones at the mango fruit over our roof.  The girl across the street who witnessed the scene covered her mouth in shock. She stayed like that for a while, it's funny to see. I scared the hell out of her.

I know I am supposed to love people but that is not happening. People continue to disappoint me and that makes me indifferent.

I guess what I'm saying is, I am in a time in my life where I had hit another low point. I am broken. My attempt to be in a romantic relationship failed. Yung savings ko naubos ko for a project and its far from finished. I am not happy with my body, my hair and my skin. I am failing at work. And worst, I am becoming a horrible person, negative and grouchy hurting people left and right. I am angry. I am angry at selfish people who do things only because they can, not  caring about what is good for others.

I feel like a mess.

Valentines day went by and to be honest, I hardly noticed. I couldn't careless if I am single. I had other things in mind.

I figured my problem is that I am spoiled and lazy. What do I think? That life will be perfect for me and at this point there shouldn’t be any struggles? As long as I am alive I will have them because I have an "enemy". But I was lazy. I didn’t want the hardwork that comes with fighting. I just want to have an easy life. I didn’t even want to work but I  love to have a salary. So spoiled and lazy. I failed to realize that I am in a battle, the spiritual kind. I was always losing too because I was fighting my own way. I was doing it wrong.

I also realized what a control freak I am. I thought if I can manage things and get them under control I will have less trouble. Wrong. Things happen whether I like them or not.

Tired of long prayers, I just said to God "I am such a control freak but it turns out I don't really know how to run my life. Please help me". Then I got up and took a shower. That can be a start.

Pastor Mike said that for the children of God, the bad times are not just bad times. There is a purpose for it. "All things work together for the purpose of those who love Him right?" We go through painful experiences. We get wounds that leave scars. And when we see the scar, we get reminded. "This scar is from I went through this and that, and it was a very difficult time". There was a time when I told my friends that the draftsman who was working on our house plan was giving me a super hard time. My friend Elga said something about when I finally live in that house, I will always remember what a pain it was to deal with this guy. It was striking but I didn't like that thought. This house is supposed to be a gift. I hate to think that it gave me headaches and heartaches. But now, thinking about what Pastor Mike said, it's okay. I can now admit that I go through bad times. It's okay to see the scars and be reminded of the bad seasons because they happen for a reason.

Portland

This not completely accurate but I've to say the self absorbed part in me is quite pleased.

Third Place

Today is a weekend. Instead of heading home after my shift ended earlier, I went up to our nap room and got some rest. I woke up at about lunch time and went to Powerbooks in Greenbelt 4. I began scanning some books and happened to read about seeking out a third place - a public venue where you can "stand outside yourself and get some perspective". 

And then I thought, I am in a third place.

It sure is relaxing. I should do that more often.

One that got away

Out of the blue, binasa ko ulit yung old exchanges namin nitong guy na 'to who I was sorta flirting with back then. Benta pa din, nakakakatawa pa din at nakakakilig. Noon, I was thinking wala lang siyang magawa and maybe getting me to fall for him was a good challenge. He was a hot a guy and I cannot believe these exchanges actually happened. Pogi-popular-kind of jerk, a "huh! guy" sabi nga ng friend ko (emphasis on silent T). I remember I was putting on these walls. I was on guard, acting cool but always defensive. It wasn't fear of getting hurt. I've cried about boys many times before, I knew it was part of it. It was paranoia of being lead on. I was insecure. I needed him to prove he was sincere and to me he was falling short. Kulang pa. Kulang pa.

It has been about 2 years ago. He's now married for a while and we're okay. Not great friends but I'm sure we wish each other well. Reading our old exchanges now is like seeing it from the point of view of an outsider. As if reading a novel, I see the guy really likes the girl. Bummer. How could I have not seen that? Aaahh...I put on blindfolds. That's a shame.

Apart from being effortlessly good looking, he was also kind of smart and passionate. He was all these but to me he was a bad boy. Today, he's been attending church and growing in faith. Iniimagine ko how we could have been with him like that. We could work.:) But I didn't believe it back then. He is now turning into a better man and seeing that makes me want to beat myself in the head.

It's not that I am coveting, desiring someone's husband. I am actually happy that he is living a better story. He is a living proof that deep inside ppl desire to be better and God continues to pursue and change ppl who would let Him.

It's just that I keep doing this mistake to this day. I should learn.

We had a little chat about my dating life one time. He gave me unsolicited advices, I began to doubt his motive. Kasal na siya nito and he was not flirting at all.  There was nothing in it for him so nagtaka ako why he was saying these things. He told me to be approachable and keep wearing my red lipstick. As he goes on, he sounded like he just wants to help me find a guy. I began to see that this person just genuinely wants to be kind to me.  Dahil walang malisya, I began to warm up and just be myself. I used to talk to him like it was always a mind game but now it was just as if I was talking to a friend. I realized, we people need to work on our ability to receive the love and care other people  give. If a person is kind to us, iniisip kaagad natin kung anong balak. Kapag binibigyan tayo ng pabor, tinatanggihan natin kasi baka may kapalit. Pwede naman sigurong mabait lang talaga siya. If a person says he likes you, maybe he really does. 

I honestly don't think there are many people like me when it comes to this. Some people are comfortable with receiving attention and affection from others. Some even fish for it, check out your fb feeds. But to those who are like me, here's one usapang lasing for you. We can try to be the best we can be but at the end of the day people's opinion of us is beyond our control. If di nila tayo bet, that's not great I guess but we can learn to be okay with that. But if someone likes you, for the love of Mongolia, don't avoid him because he is Xiam Lim. Don't punish him for being a great human being just because you can't measure up. Don't be cold, don't be rude, don't be weird. You may get awkward, that can't be helped sometimes, but be gracious nonetheless. Doubt your doubts (huh?). By that I mean, I guess it's natural to doubt so I can't really say don't do it. But it could also mean that you're not only doubting the person, you're doubting yourself. Of all the people, why you? Well why not? If a person thinks you're amazing, maybe you are.

We cannot let all of them get away.

Let the poor say I am rich

With the exception of wasting food with my leftovers (I am now working on this), I can say that I was pretty proud of myself with how I managed my money over the years. But something challenged my beliefs on this. Let me tell you a little story.

Growing up, my parents made sure we get to eat decent healthy meals, and my nanay wouldnt want us wearing ugly clothes. She wanted us to look presentable. I remember she would want us to wear those dresses but I didn't want them. I opted wearing those matching tshirts and shorts, paired with high-cut sneakers.  I also remember that back then, there were 2 families na unang nagkaroon ng kuryente sa village namin, one of those was us. We were caretakers of this property own by my father's boss and he made sure we get to have electricity . So I don't think we were kawawa when we were growing up. But we were definitely not rich. I don't want to shame my parents because I know they made sure to give us the best. Pero kung dadaanin sa technicality, our family income falls under the poor category.

My ate got to attend kindergarten in a private catholic school because our father's boss paid for her tuition. One time, they had a school activity where a parent has to go and I was too little to be alone at home so Nanay took me with her.  We were seating together at the bleachers and I heard my sister say this to our mother: "Nay, kunwari ang tawag ko sa'yo Mommy". I was only 5 years old then but I knew what was going on. I myself would call her mommy around those kids even if I don't go to that school. Well, I never got to attend kindergarten. I went straight to grade one in a public school, and I called Nanay as Mommy when I was in grade 3. My sister and I got to attend private high schools only because we were scholars. This was my turn to be around rich kids. I didn't have many clothes and cool stuff so this was how I learned to save money. Titipirin ko yung allowance ko so I can save money and then I'd buy clothes and stuff. Maybe I knew I was not cut out to be a trendsetter, pero gusto ko makisabay. I would sometimes buy the exact same stuff my classmates have and this was how I got to be called G.I.Joe, short for "great imitator". I hate highschool. Chos.

Looking at these stories one can say that I had the makings of a future social climber. Maybe. But something changed. The summer before I stepped into 2nd year college, our family faced a really terrible financial crisis because both our parents didn't have work. It got to as bad us not having food to eat. Our next meal would either be given to us, or utang. Now we attend this church built on this huge property of land with trees and plants including "gabi", yung ginagamit sa paggawa ng laing? I saw some of them with big leaves at walang pumapansin (or so I thought), so I went there one afternoon, harvested the root (the "gabi"), boiled it at home and shared it to the family. I have only told this story to two people, I think. They seemed to have warmed up to me after hearing this, one of them even shared her own story.

So this was how I grew up. This was how I learned to value money and be content with simple things. Isn't that what the Bible says? Not to love material things. I spend on branded clothes and shoes only because I am practical. Mas matibay kasi at dahil maayos ang pagkakagawa mas proud akong isuot. I don't always buy but because I am masinop I have accumulated a few good pieces over the years. I change phones every 2-3 years, and I don't buy the high end ones. I allot a budget for vacations, going out and other things. But if it's outside the budget, it means I don't get to go, I don't get to buy. This discipline makes me feel dignified. 

I was at the Glorietta-Greenbelt area one time at inabutan ako ng lunch time so I looked for a place to eat. Kakasweldo lang namin so I had money, but I was looking for a value meal. Then I began to question myself. What was I doing? I could tecnically afford to eat at the most expensive place there (then endure immense hunger for the rest of the month), but I wouldn't. To me it was wrong. Walang masama sa value meal and yeah, it was not practical to blow my entire salary on a meal but the issue was my reasoning behind it. I didn't feel it was right for me to splurge money on a meal the same way fat women feel about skimpy clothes.  I see myself as a poor person. And it was okay. Tanggap kong mahirap ako. But in my head I began to think, "I am a child of a rich God, I'm not poor. Am I?"

I realized I was not as noble as I thought. I've got poverty mentality and something is not right with this as it reveals how I see God. I believe he owns everything and He is powerful. I see him as a provider, but I don't really see him as a blesser. I am limiting Him because of how I see Him. This also reveals where my trust is. By managing my money I was not really trusting God. I was putting my  trust on how I handle my money.

Life taught us to ask for our needs and daydream for our wants. "Bigyan Niyo po kami ng aming kakanin, salamat po kung pati luho namin ibibigay Niyo rin". I heard in a few church sermons that for the children of God this is not the way to go. We are heirs with Christ, we are welcome to ask boldly and confidently. Pastor Juray Mora says to go as far as God wants us to go. How do we know that? By letting Him deal with our hearts about it. If He is a Father He will deal with our hearts. 

Sometimes when I spend I still feel as though I was being raped. I would feel bad and ask forgiveness from God for being waldas. Hindi naman ako nagnanakaw ako or nandadaya to accumulate wealth, but I feel as one of those enslaved by money. Pwede kong isipin na magagalit ang Diyos if I spend for the things I like. This is still new to me, I am still taking it in. I think it's not wrong to be mindful of how I spend, but I should check my motivation. Do I really want to please God with my money or do I fear scarcity would one day come upon me? I'm still in the stage of constantly reminding myself that I am a child of the CEO, I will never lack because my Father is more than willing to provide for me.

E.R.

(written 1/7/2014)

I knew bad things are possible to happen in 2014 but I did not expect it to happen so soon. This morning, nakagat ako ng tuta, yung anak ni Clay na binigay na namin sa kapitbahay pero bumabalik pa din sa 'min minsan. Hassle, sure. But what makes it worse was that galing ako sa shift and wala pa 'kong tulog. Dapat natutulog na 'ko pero dahil inabutan ko ng pagkain ang nangungulit na tuta, eto ang napala ko. 

So I rushed to the nearest hospital and I was advised to go to the emergency. I told the guy in scrubs that I was there because of dog bite and he took my health card and asked me to take a seat. "Saan ka nakagat? I heard someone else asked. I looked at him and it was from a pretty boy sitting at his desk wearing a white blazer - the doctor. I knew it, I felt it, I am pretty sure my face brighten up at that moment. You know the shy smile - look down the floor kind of thing girls do? That happened. Maybe the other staff noticed I just fell in love right there, it's embarassing. I showed the doctor the wound on my hinlalaki, just above the nail. Then I thought that the best thing I did the day before was get a manicure. Siguro kaya din ako nahiya was because the wound was super tiny. If ever there were bully doctors they would say "ohh, you should worry for your life, this spreads pretty fast." But he didn't. He just said "oo nga no" when he saw my small but terrible wound. My chair was beside his desk and I knew, mako-conscious na 'ko. All of a sudden I didn't want to move. I was pretty sure I stank, I could smell myself. So I pretended that he was Bilbo Baggins with the ring on and I couldn't see him. No, there was no one there. Because I can't look at him. If he catches me looking at him I know I will break out into shy giggles, and then the blushing will happen. I did check out his white blazer though. And his fingers too. I wanted to know his name and see if he is married. Yeah yeah, I went that far. Well, I learned he is a Christian! His name, at least. And he doesnt have a ring. :)

While waiting I thought about checking my phone but I realized I left it at home, which may not be a bad thing really. Because I promise you I thought about posting a photo in Instagram. Imagine a patient taking pictures of the emergency room. I might have done that, but I didnt have a phone. So instead, I took out a pen and started writing these notes on a Meralco bill envelope. I wanted to impress the doctor, I wanted for him to find me weird. "That's right Doctor McDreamy, I am scribbling notes and it's all about you".

There was this staff, a girl, who walked up to him to ask his help in reading a prescription or a note and he read it as "santa claus", jokingly. It was supposed to be scoliosis or something. The girl laughed. I laughed inside. Any girl will laugh at his terrible attempts to be funny.  

May kamukha siyang artista pero hindi ko maisip kong sino. Then it hit me - Gerard Anderson. No kidding. Hospitals should have good looking emergency doctors. They help patients feel better, almost instantly.  

Goodbye 2013, Hello 2014

2013 for me has been a year of closed doors and new beginnings, of trying and failing, of healing and moving on, of learning and appreciating new things, of giving away and letting go, of waiting, of stepping out of comfort zones, of building and creating, of dreaming new dreams, bigger dreams.

It was a tough and challenging year. I used to be this annoying jolly person but this year, something sucked the life out of me and before I know it, I am now this grumpy old maid. In 2014, that's what I'm gonna be working on - to be positive and excited about life again.

I listened again to some songs I got to know last year and I must say they brought back some feelings. These are beautiful songs but they carry memories with them. And they're not always happy, say for example the ones I was listening around the time Ate Tita passed away. It was a sad time and I remembered how it felt. 

Then a thought hit me. Sana this year someone or something happens that will introduce me to new songs. I'm ready for some new ones. Songs that are just as beautiful, just as meaningful.

I should add that 2014 is gonna be the best year ever. I want it to be the best year. But the truth is I don't know that. What I do know is this - life is never trouble-free but we are not meant to be losers, defeated by our circumstances. The Lord promises victory in any situation for His children. 

The Purple and Green December Wedding

Ate Malu's Wedding :) 

Ate Malu's Bridal Shower

Ate Malu is a friend I met in church and she's 4 years ahead of me so I call her ate. We go way way back and had the ups and downs of friendship. I cannot say I shared my best times with her...but I am certain that she was there at my worst and the lowest points of my life. Siya ang laging kumukupkop sa 'kin tuwing may kaaway ako sa bahay at maisipan kong maglayas. Sa kanila din galing ang paborito 'kong aso na si Yogi.

She got married at 35 and we couldn't be any happier for her. 

She made me her Maid of Honor. It reminded of the hilarious movie "The Bridesmaids". I wanted for her to feel loved, I wanted for her to feel special. The best I could think of was to gather our friends for a bridal shower. :)

Here 's to love and growing old still friends, Ate Malu! I love you! Mwaaah!

Yolanda 2013

The world is not so bad after all.

"It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end, because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines, it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you, that meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. Because they were holding on to something... There's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it's worth fighting for.” 

― J.R.R. Tolkien The Lord of the Rings, The Lord of the Rings 

"Pointing the crosshairs at myself, what can I improve to become a better neighbor on a daily basis - not just during disasters?" - David Bonifacio

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Tinkerbell for a Night

I got invited to a Halloween party organized by my colleagues at work and since I've never been to one before at ang lakas maka-Gossip girl ng private theme party, I knew I had to go. 

I came as Tinkerbell. I wore this green dress na once ko pa lang nasusuot, bought fairy wings in SM for P80 and tied up my hair. At dahil petite, achieved! Haha.

I'm glad I went. I had a great time. :)