Aslan

A few days ago, I had a heated argument with mom about the theology of deserved tragedy. I just felt I had to say it to her. I can't let her walk around telling people that when bad thing happens it's God correction. Not always mom.

Here's how it happened. I told her that my colleague's house got caught in a fire and they lost everything. I told her they are Christians too. I told her this because I thought it could be a nice topic for a conversation. But instead, she said something that ignited an unreasonable reaction from me. 

This is my mother I am talking about. I know she is not the unloving judgemental Christian lady I accuse her to be. She is the best person I know. If anything, she is just like me - we just can't express our thoughts very well.  It's just that, I am easily angered by this issue lately. It's kind of personal to me. 

I met this person who's done terrible things in the past. Like broke one of the ten commandments? Not murder, but the one that has to do with someone else's wife? I know! Let's just say  I would sometimes ignore people who I can't respect. So if he is all that and I still want to talk and hang, I must have found something, right? (That, or I'm a poor judge of character). I found myself wishing he would know of God's love and how deep and wide and perfect it is. This is still true even after he told me he [also] likes another girl. This is not me.

While I have no trouble admitting that I am angry, broken, unloving and unlovable, let down and hurt, I still have the resolve to talk about God's love, because none of what I did or what has been done to me can make me change my mind about it. And I'm not even that kind of a believer who openly talks and posts about my faith. I just feel passionate about this.  I am saddened that there are people who are allergic to the idea of God because He was misrepresented by religion and people who claim to be His followers. Myself included. 

God is Aslan in Narnia. He is strong and powerful but we need not worry because He is good. He disciplines those He loves but His voice is gentle that would lead us to repentance. I am not a pastor or theologian. I am talking from experience I guess.

I wrote this on my cellphone right after my mom walked out on me. I wanted to justify my behaviour to deal with the guilt. A few hours later, she came back as if nothing happened. She really is one of the better people in the world.

Five years

Five years ago, I only took this job because I needed to be busy or I'd be depressed for not getting the job I wanted in another company. Turns out this place is better than the one I didn't get. God closes doors because He has something better.

The Last 7 Years

I thought about it before. That as I age, I start to feel my life is changing. It's not the same and it will never be again, and I feel the discomfort. 

Yesterday is another milestone. A part of my life for the last 7 years has been taken away, and it's like a proof, a mark, that a chapter has ended. That life is really moving on and there are things we cannot take with us on to the next phase.

It was a Saturday and I got home late, like 3pm late because I had brunch with Josie to unwind after a work week. It was a usual Saturday, until Tatay broke the news to me. 

"Wala na si Pablo anak." He just said that my favorite dog who is like a son to me has died.

For a few seconds there, I lost it. My sanity, your composure. 

I got myself together immediately and began asking questions. I cried. Then calm down. Then cried again. Then calm down again. 

Tatay woke up that that morning and found him dead. We didn't know he was sick. He didn't think he was in pain. 

The next few things I did was to check what was left. 

I saw the part of our yard where he was buried. I was cool. When I got a hold of his collar and chain, it was crazy crying lady all over again.

I looked at pictures of him on my phone. The most recent one was when he climb this very high ladder at this house I am building. I was on the second floor talking to my brother. Then we saw him. On. The. Second. Floor. I thought I had a mini-stroke. Or not. Our confusion was followed by laughter. So he climbed the high ladder. There is nothing so weird about that. Just a very special loving dog who would climb anything just to be with his master. I remember feeling super proud. I know dogs. I bet only 1 in 100 dogs can do this. Some of those who can are in circus and are trained.

Anyway, I decided to look for other pictures of him. I found this selfie video I took with him in 2012. I was kissing him and making lambing to him, I started to get teary eyed as if I knew that I was gonna be looking back at this video one day. 

I found photos of him growing up on this blog. I held him from when he was a baby until he was so big for me to carry. If I knew he was sick and gonna die, I would have wanted to be touching him and hugging him until the time it happened. I held him when he was a newborn, but it's not as important because he doesn't know any of that yet. I wanted for him to know that all these years and until this time hes dying, he is loved. I'm sure he would have wanted that. He would have wanted me beside him.

I also realized how much this blog and my writing is more about writing for myself. I have blogged and wrote about Pablo and I'm so thankful I did. I wondered why I didn't write more. Pablo died old and weak but I've  accounts of him when he was young and growing up. It's so nice to have this to look back to and be reminded of.

***

When Pablo's mom Enna died years ago, it was also like this. I got home from work one morning and she's dead. I guess I was traumatized by that. There are mornings going home from work when I would imagine coming home and Yogi or Pablo has died. "No, no, no, no," I would whisper to myself. 

This was not one of those days. I didn't have that feeling. He didn't eat the day before but I thought he was just "nagtatampo". We're treating his mange which I suspect he got from other dogs. I don't want him to get more mange and infect other dogs so we tied him. Pablo hates the chain. If we do something Pablo is upset about, he shows it to us by not eating. I thought it was one of those.

I actually blame myself. It was all my call.

My parents console me by saying Pablo is old. People die, so are dogs. Yeah, but I wasn't prepared for it. With my crazy baby dog talk I always tell Pablo that - "Pablo don't die yet ha. Hindi pa ready si Mommy."

I cried myself to sleep last night. I woke up a couple of times and I would cry again. What happened yesterday wasn't a dream. Every time I woke up Pablo is gone, and this is the reality moving forward. He's not gonna be on the floor, under my bed, in any part of the house. Anymore. 

Gift Certificates

Oh, hello. It's been a while since the last time I posted anything here. If you stop doing something for a while, you get rusty at it. I must admit I am having a hard time writing this now. 

So I've been busy. Or something to that effect. The past weeks felt like I was always running out of time, like it's never enough. My eyes were literally swollen due to lack of sleep. I was always late at work. I stopped going out and I skipped attending church because I thought I could use the free time for some me time and resting. I felt so tired and because of this I would sometimes skip a day at work too. It was a difficult time.

I also turned 32 last month. Yep, officially off the calendar. I thought I wouldn't have the birthday blues because I was busy but nope, it still kicked in. I thought it was one of my saddest birthdays ever because I realized, the older I get, the fewer friends I have. The responsibilities that come along with growing old makes us see our friends less and less. Careers, pregnancy, marriage and kids. I sacrificed my social life for what I thought was most important to me. So when my birthday came around, it manifested, you only get what you give. The redeeming factor though is that as I put my family first, in return, I am now beginning to have a healthy relationship with my sister. Like how it's supposed to be. And my solid friends remembered :) 

I knew I am in a season in life and faith but I also thought it's been going on for a long time already. I was waiting for it to end and when I realized it's not happening yet, I gave up. I stopped praying. I got tired of saying the same things only to see it get worse. I got tired of church so I quit that as well. I felt I don't belong with these bunch of happy people. To me, their joy was corny, self-righteous and fake. I cannot identify with them and I thought they will not be able understand me. I'm just done with this God thing. I didn't denounce Him but I felt I needed a break from this. If He was working in my life, changing and molding me, then I didn't want it. I wanted Him to leave me alone.

I am also broke, for the first time after a really long time. I've been into the habit of saving since I started working so I couldn't really remember a time that I was out of money. Dati when I say I'm broke, I just didn't have any cash or money in my ATM but I've some money stored somewhere that I didn't want to touch. But this time, I'm really it or something close to it. I am building this house which wiped out my entire savings and left me with a few debts. This why I say I was busy.  This is why nagtampo ako sa Diyos. I thought this is a good thing to do but why isn't He making it easy for me?

My redemption came from the most unlikely of circumstances.

I won $100 worth of gift certificates from being the top seller at the upselling project I was part of which just ended. It was funny because, for one, I suck at upselling. It's not possible for me to win at this. Secondly, how fitting for me to bag those GCs at the time when I was running broke. Thirdly, it happened at the time when I was in rebellion against God. 

A few weeks back, I had already won nine thousand worth of GCs from the office raffle. But before winning that, I had given cash help to 2 cousins so I thought winning the GCs is just God giving it back to me. I  hardly even used up these GCs because I was saving them. Now, here are more GCs given to me at the time when I should be the last person to be blessed. When I won the raffle GCs, I jumped up and down. When I won the upselling GCs, I shook my head. I felt my heart melting, it was as if I heard the Lord say "You're out of your mind, but I love you. Here are GCs. Buy something and don't starve yourself."

Two of my faith struggles has been resolved through this. I've been hearing about it before but I understand it better from experiencing it.

One, I can never do anything to earn God's love. He gives it freely. When I would have set backs, it's hard not to be tempted to think that it might be because I was praying less or not being Mother Teresa enough. Maybe I should do more. They say grace is given free but I found myself working to earn it. Then I would just quit trying and be bitter because I knew that I can never try hard enough. I don't always like to pray. Sometimes I like to watch movies, or listen to music, or look at pictures of nice clothes and shoes. But at the time that I didn't want anything to do with Him, He still made sure that I get to eat and buy shampoo and toothpaste. And more. Does this mean we can go ahead and do whatever the hell we want because God loves us anyway? I don't think so. That's not what it did for me. God's loving kindness leads us to repentance. 

There is an opening for a promotion at work and I got shortlisted. It was the opening that I want and was waiting for. Yesterday I was interviewed for it. How'd it go? Let me put it this way. I can remember two job interviews I've had in my life that stood out as the most horrible; my first ever job interview when I was 21, and that one I had yesterday. Yep, it was that bad. It sucks to not get the promotion, it's sucks more to be adding one more embarrassing moment in my life! It's discouraging to realize how hard it is to be promoted at this company and no matter how hard I try, I will always mess the interview part because of this stupid stage fright. Then I remembered being the top seller. The only possible reason for that to happen was God's turning things around because I had to get the GCs coz I'm broke. 

So the second faith struggle that got addressed through this experience is that in life, the results are not always based on what we do or what we deserve. We need God's mercy. His glory is sometimes manifested in our weakness. 

When I came out of the interview room yesterday, I went back to my work station and buried my face on my desk. I didn't want to show my face to anyone. Then I found myself asking God to lift up my head (literally). Then I thought, it's normal to feel bad like this if something unfavorable happens. But I cannot always be driven and controlled by my circumstances. God still sits on the Throne and my work is not defined by one bad interview. And I have to learn to laugh at myself. 

So I told this story over breakfast with my friends at work after shift yesterday morning. The last time the four of us went out together was December of last year. We missed this so we were having a really great time. Then we noticed this cute guy from the kitchen handing out food for the waiters to serve. I don't think he's the chef, he cleaned the ceiling at one point during our stay. But he is cute, not ultra handsome, but very easy on the eyes. Overflowing with sex appeal. I'm sure he noticed that our table is drooling over him. I'm sure that the next thing he did was make papansin and pacute. I'm sure he made eye contact to me. I told you about how bad I did at the interview, so I'm not always delusional. I can self assessed. When I say that the guy made eye contact with me, it really happened. Then I thought, there's more to eye contact and flirting. It would be nice to date and get to know someone again.

Me Too

From the many downloaded movies I saw for a while, these three characters hit close to home:

• Johanna Mason, Catching Fire - She's perpetually angry, but she's not the enemy. I also have crazy temper outbursts that I'm not proud of because deep inside I don't think I am as horrible as I appear to be. I just happened to be in an environment or season in life where it's hard to be gentle.

• P.L. Travers, Saving Mr. Banks - My father has a lot to do with how I think, behave and make choices. 

• Daisy Kensington, Barefoot - I don't think my weirdness is as extreme as hers. But for a long time my world revolved just around family and a few friends and for this I feel socially inept. 

Punta Na!

Our operating unit at work had this year's summer genmeet in Punta de Fabian, Baras Rizal. T'was fun. That's all I have to say about that. And I wanted to post some pictures.

Grouped randomly, we are the Pintados

I loved it! Feel na feel ko muntik kong ipantulog.

Josie and Edz, my girlfriends at work. Gherry missed it this year, she's pregnant.

 With my teammates while waiting for dinner, wala pang tulog yan.

Monopod self-we.

 We won 3rd place in the costume and presentation. Champion at the games. 

 Ang ipinagmamalaking infinity pool.

This might be the most fun I did the summer of 2014. Kbye.

Why?

Random thought. It sometimes happens that there are people who care about me or give me the time of day, and I don't know why. I don't know what it is that they see in me.

I think I care about this one person. I'm not sure. Maybe I do and I don't know why.