Why?

Random thought. It sometimes happens that there are people who care about me or give me the time of day, and I don't know why. I don't know what it is that they see in me.

I think I care about this one person. I'm not sure. Maybe I do and I don't know why.

Jasper, This is How You Remind Me

Yesterday on my way to Greenbelt I saw Jasper at the overpass holding hands with his wife. Jasper was this guy from HR who facilitated the onboarding when I first joined this company. Funny, smart, articulate, he is also nice and not bad looking. I developed a crush on him and I was not alone. Other guys couldn't disagree, they don't have anything bad to say about the dude. We all know he is likeable. He has left the company for quite some time now but the thought of him still makes me dreamy. Discounting the fact that he has a wife, which by the way I didn't know at first, he was the kind of guy who would make a girl want to be good. A party girl would want to just stay at home, watch after his dog and read . All these while waiting for him to come home. Then she would feed him dinner, his favorite by the way, which she has worked hard to learn.

This is worth mentioning because its refreshing to remember how it feels to be attracted to a guy. Relationships and dating has been disappointing for me I just lost interest. It's like surfing. It's cool and fun to think about and it makes you excited. So you buy some surfing outfit, hop on to some surfing destination and then actually surf. Then reality hits you. It's not as easy as it looks like. It takes a lot of practice. You would fall many times but it's part of it. You would have to endure the heat of the the sun until you're not willing to be burnt any further. So you give up on trying and just go back to your cottage where it's not as fun, but atleast it's comfortable. You kind of accept that it's not for you. You're less experienced and not as adventurous for this. That's what happened to me and dating.

Right now I am not really looking for someone, but I thought maybe if I meet someone interesting enough, like Jasper, or Ben Schwartz, I might not be able to help myself. 

Cherry Bomb

Last Sunday, I cancelled going to this church Valentine event Kars helped put together. Nanay felt sorry for me. "Enjoy your life", sabi niya. It was not a command. It was a plead. I just scrunched up my face. Wala ako sa mood kahit magsalita pero hindi ko mapigil kapain ang malaki kong tigyawat sa mukha. "Anak..." my mother began again. "Wag mo hawakan". I stopped and looked away. My mother knew the pimple bothers me and I felt embarrassed by it.

I went to my room and lie in bed feeling bad that it was going to be Monday again tomorrow. Umabsent ako nung Friday and I don't feel comfortable going back to work kapag umaabsent ako. VL okay lang, absent, no. Lalo na kung dahil sa katamaran lang. Aside from feeling guilty for being an irresponsible worker, I feel ugly too. Ang huli kong ligo ay nung Friday pa. I was feeling smelly and sticky but I don't want to take a bath. It's one of those days you're just not in the mood to be on earth.

And then a thought hit me. Wow. I am such a loser.

I have been in a season of struggle and discomfort for quite a while now. I was trying to fight but I feel nothing is getting better. Everything is going downhill and that makes it even more frustrating. It is getting the best of me. It has made me a monster, ask the people around me they know. I am acting like a real douche. But this, this time in my room is a real moment. Nawala na ang paniniwala ko kahit sa paliligo. Bakit pa kailangan maligo? Gumi-give up na ako.

Another story. There was this time a guy in church in made me cry. This was the first week of February and sermon series is about love. The whole thing has just ended and we were already closing with prayer. I was not supposed to have my eyes open but I remember seeing this guy approach the pastor in front and whispered something to him.

After the prayer ended, he took the microphone and began his speech. He says he feels the Lord is asking him to tell us that the opposite of love is not hate but indifference. Indifference by definition means lack of concern or enthusiasm. As he goes on, I felt my face scrunched up. I bowed down my head and the tears started happening.  We cry over movies but I don't like if it's over something I heard in church. These are people I don't know and sometimes I get to a point of being inconsolable. There was a time I was still crying while leaving church even until I was on the jeepney on the way home. I don't like crying in church.

May mga taong madaling magustuhan. They don't have to try so hard. They're so likeable and admirable they don't even know it. On the otherhand, meron din mga taong ang sarap tirisin. That I wish they know. I work at night and sleep during the day, and there were a few times nagigising ako ng wala sa oras dahil may nagaganap na papatintero ng naghihiyawang bata sa harap ng bahay namin. When that happens I go Walter Mitty in my head. Gusto ko sila silang i-cherry bomb na parang mga zombies because they get into my nerves and eat my brain. There was also a time I yelled at this teenager boy who was throwing stones at the mango fruit over our roof.  The girl across the street who witnessed the scene covered her mouth in shock. She stayed like that for a while, it's funny to see. I scared the hell out of her.

I know I am supposed to love people but that is not happening. People continue to disappoint me and that makes me indifferent.

I guess what I'm saying is, I am in a time in my life where I had hit another low point. I am broken. My attempt to be in a romantic relationship failed. Yung savings ko naubos ko for a project and its far from finished. I am not happy with my body, my hair and my skin. I am failing at work. And worst, I am becoming a horrible person, negative and grouchy hurting people left and right. I am angry. I am angry at selfish people who do things only because they can, not  caring about what is good for others.

I feel like a mess.

Valentines day went by and to be honest, I hardly noticed. I couldn't careless if I am single. I had other things in mind.

I figured my problem is that I am spoiled and lazy. What do I think? That life will be perfect for me and at this point there shouldn’t be any struggles? As long as I am alive I will have them because I have an "enemy". But I was lazy. I didn’t want the hardwork that comes with fighting. I just want to have an easy life. I didn’t even want to work but I  love to have a salary. So spoiled and lazy. I failed to realize that I am in a battle, the spiritual kind. I was always losing too because I was fighting my own way. I was doing it wrong.

I also realized what a control freak I am. I thought if I can manage things and get them under control I will have less trouble. Wrong. Things happen whether I like them or not.

Tired of long prayers, I just said to God "I am such a control freak but it turns out I don't really know how to run my life. Please help me". Then I got up and took a shower. That can be a start.

Pastor Mike said that for the children of God, the bad times are not just bad times. There is a purpose for it. "All things work together for the purpose of those who love Him right?" We go through painful experiences. We get wounds that leave scars. And when we see the scar, we get reminded. "This scar is from I went through this and that, and it was a very difficult time". There was a time when I told my friends that the draftsman who was working on our house plan was giving me a super hard time. My friend Elga said something about when I finally live in that house, I will always remember what a pain it was to deal with this guy. It was striking but I didn't like that thought. This house is supposed to be a gift. I hate to think that it gave me headaches and heartaches. But now, thinking about what Pastor Mike said, it's okay. I can now admit that I go through bad times. It's okay to see the scars and be reminded of the bad seasons because they happen for a reason.

Portland

This not completely accurate but I've to say the self absorbed part in me is quite pleased.

Third Place

Today is a weekend. Instead of heading home after my shift ended earlier, I went up to our nap room and got some rest. I woke up at about lunch time and went to Powerbooks in Greenbelt 4. I began scanning some books and happened to read about seeking out a third place - a public venue where you can "stand outside yourself and get some perspective". 

And then I thought, I am in a third place.

It sure is relaxing. I should do that more often.

One that got away

Out of the blue, binasa ko ulit yung old exchanges namin nitong guy na 'to who I was sorta flirting with back then. Benta pa din, nakakakatawa pa din at nakakakilig. Noon, I was thinking wala lang siyang magawa and maybe getting me to fall for him was a good challenge. He was a hot a guy and I cannot believe these exchanges actually happened. Pogi-popular-kind of jerk, a "huh! guy" sabi nga ng friend ko (emphasis on silent T). I remember I was putting on these walls. I was on guard, acting cool but always defensive. It wasn't fear of getting hurt. I've cried about boys many times before, I knew it was part of it. It was paranoia of being lead on. I was insecure. I needed him to prove he was sincere and to me he was falling short. Kulang pa. Kulang pa.

It has been about 2 years ago. He's now married for a while and we're okay. Not great friends but I'm sure we wish each other well. Reading our old exchanges now is like seeing it from the point of view of an outsider. As if reading a novel, I see the guy really likes the girl. Bummer. How could I have not seen that? Aaahh...I put on blindfolds. That's a shame.

Apart from being effortlessly good looking, he was also kind of smart and passionate. He was all these but to me he was a bad boy. Today, he's been attending church and growing in faith. Iniimagine ko how we could have been with him like that. We could work.:) But I didn't believe it back then. He is now turning into a better man and seeing that makes me want to beat myself in the head.

It's not that I am coveting, desiring someone's husband. I am actually happy that he is living a better story. He is a living proof that deep inside ppl desire to be better and God continues to pursue and change ppl who would let Him.

It's just that I keep doing this mistake to this day. I should learn.

We had a little chat about my dating life one time. He gave me unsolicited advices, I began to doubt his motive. Kasal na siya nito and he was not flirting at all.  There was nothing in it for him so nagtaka ako why he was saying these things. He told me to be approachable and keep wearing my red lipstick. As he goes on, he sounded like he just wants to help me find a guy. I began to see that this person just genuinely wants to be kind to me.  Dahil walang malisya, I began to warm up and just be myself. I used to talk to him like it was always a mind game but now it was just as if I was talking to a friend. I realized, we people need to work on our ability to receive the love and care other people  give. If a person is kind to us, iniisip kaagad natin kung anong balak. Kapag binibigyan tayo ng pabor, tinatanggihan natin kasi baka may kapalit. Pwede naman sigurong mabait lang talaga siya. If a person says he likes you, maybe he really does. 

I honestly don't think there are many people like me when it comes to this. Some people are comfortable with receiving attention and affection from others. Some even fish for it, check out your fb feeds. But to those who are like me, here's one usapang lasing for you. We can try to be the best we can be but at the end of the day people's opinion of us is beyond our control. If di nila tayo bet, that's not great I guess but we can learn to be okay with that. But if someone likes you, for the love of Mongolia, don't avoid him because he is Xiam Lim. Don't punish him for being a great human being just because you can't measure up. Don't be cold, don't be rude, don't be weird. You may get awkward, that can't be helped sometimes, but be gracious nonetheless. Doubt your doubts (huh?). By that I mean, I guess it's natural to doubt so I can't really say don't do it. But it could also mean that you're not only doubting the person, you're doubting yourself. Of all the people, why you? Well why not? If a person thinks you're amazing, maybe you are.

We cannot let all of them get away.

Let the poor say I am rich

With the exception of wasting food with my leftovers (I am now working on this), I can say that I was pretty proud of myself with how I managed my money over the years. But something challenged my beliefs on this. Let me tell you a little story.

Growing up, my parents made sure we get to eat decent healthy meals, and my nanay wouldnt want us wearing ugly clothes. She wanted us to look presentable. I remember she would want us to wear those dresses but I didn't want them. I opted wearing those matching tshirts and shorts, paired with high-cut sneakers.  I also remember that back then, there were 2 families na unang nagkaroon ng kuryente sa village namin, one of those was us. We were caretakers of this property own by my father's boss and he made sure we get to have electricity . So I don't think we were kawawa when we were growing up. But we were definitely not rich. I don't want to shame my parents because I know they made sure to give us the best. Pero kung dadaanin sa technicality, our family income falls under the poor category.

My ate got to attend kindergarten in a private catholic school because our father's boss paid for her tuition. One time, they had a school activity where a parent has to go and I was too little to be alone at home so Nanay took me with her.  We were seating together at the bleachers and I heard my sister say this to our mother: "Nay, kunwari ang tawag ko sa'yo Mommy". I was only 5 years old then but I knew what was going on. I myself would call her mommy around those kids even if I don't go to that school. Well, I never got to attend kindergarten. I went straight to grade one in a public school, and I called Nanay as Mommy when I was in grade 3. My sister and I got to attend private high schools only because we were scholars. This was my turn to be around rich kids. I didn't have many clothes and cool stuff so this was how I learned to save money. Titipirin ko yung allowance ko so I can save money and then I'd buy clothes and stuff. Maybe I knew I was not cut out to be a trendsetter, pero gusto ko makisabay. I would sometimes buy the exact same stuff my classmates have and this was how I got to be called G.I.Joe, short for "great imitator". I hate highschool. Chos.

Looking at these stories one can say that I had the makings of a future social climber. Maybe. But something changed. The summer before I stepped into 2nd year college, our family faced a really terrible financial crisis because both our parents didn't have work. It got to as bad us not having food to eat. Our next meal would either be given to us, or utang. Now we attend this church built on this huge property of land with trees and plants including "gabi", yung ginagamit sa paggawa ng laing? I saw some of them with big leaves at walang pumapansin (or so I thought), so I went there one afternoon, harvested the root (the "gabi"), boiled it at home and shared it to the family. I have only told this story to two people, I think. They seemed to have warmed up to me after hearing this, one of them even shared her own story.

So this was how I grew up. This was how I learned to value money and be content with simple things. Isn't that what the Bible says? Not to love material things. I spend on branded clothes and shoes only because I am practical. Mas matibay kasi at dahil maayos ang pagkakagawa mas proud akong isuot. I don't always buy but because I am masinop I have accumulated a few good pieces over the years. I change phones every 2-3 years, and I don't buy the high end ones. I allot a budget for vacations, going out and other things. But if it's outside the budget, it means I don't get to go, I don't get to buy. This discipline makes me feel dignified. 

I was at the Glorietta-Greenbelt area one time at inabutan ako ng lunch time so I looked for a place to eat. Kakasweldo lang namin so I had money, but I was looking for a value meal. Then I began to question myself. What was I doing? I could tecnically afford to eat at the most expensive place there (then endure immense hunger for the rest of the month), but I wouldn't. To me it was wrong. Walang masama sa value meal and yeah, it was not practical to blow my entire salary on a meal but the issue was my reasoning behind it. I didn't feel it was right for me to splurge money on a meal the same way fat women feel about skimpy clothes.  I see myself as a poor person. And it was okay. Tanggap kong mahirap ako. But in my head I began to think, "I am a child of a rich God, I'm not poor. Am I?"

I realized I was not as noble as I thought. I've got poverty mentality and something is not right with this as it reveals how I see God. I believe he owns everything and He is powerful. I see him as a provider, but I don't really see him as a blesser. I am limiting Him because of how I see Him. This also reveals where my trust is. By managing my money I was not really trusting God. I was putting my  trust on how I handle my money.

Life taught us to ask for our needs and daydream for our wants. "Bigyan Niyo po kami ng aming kakanin, salamat po kung pati luho namin ibibigay Niyo rin". I heard in a few church sermons that for the children of God this is not the way to go. We are heirs with Christ, we are welcome to ask boldly and confidently. Pastor Juray Mora says to go as far as God wants us to go. How do we know that? By letting Him deal with our hearts about it. If He is a Father He will deal with our hearts. 

Sometimes when I spend I still feel as though I was being raped. I would feel bad and ask forgiveness from God for being waldas. Hindi naman ako nagnanakaw ako or nandadaya to accumulate wealth, but I feel as one of those enslaved by money. Pwede kong isipin na magagalit ang Diyos if I spend for the things I like. This is still new to me, I am still taking it in. I think it's not wrong to be mindful of how I spend, but I should check my motivation. Do I really want to please God with my money or do I fear scarcity would one day come upon me? I'm still in the stage of constantly reminding myself that I am a child of the CEO, I will never lack because my Father is more than willing to provide for me.