I Love You All

Meron akong officemate, na kapag may ayaw siya, she is not afraid to let it show and wala siyang paki kung may makapansin. Kunwari may nagbiro sa kanya and hindi niya trip yung joke, she won't even make an effort to be a good sport. She would pretend not hearing anything, won't make a reaction, at kami na lang na mga tumawa ang maiilang at mapapahiya. I get wowed by that sometimes, na ang cool nun and sana minsan ganun din ako. I am talking about being true to how you feel and not feeling a need to apologize for it. 

Naalala ko 'to kasi I had a recent incident of being annoyed but I was finding myself making an effort to fake that I am okay. I signed up to join this small group in church and there was this girl na nakakailang kasi ang gulo. While I introduced myself, she giggled and made these little movements that were so distracting I remember feeling disrespected. Her turn to talk came around and in my head I was saying "I don't like you". I was also thinking of not coming back next week. Then I got this thought - I cannot keep doing this, shutting people out because of what I thought of them. As the session rolled around, I saw how she interrupted the others too and I realized, she is just like that. I reminded myself that this is just one of the more obvious cases of how people are different from each other.

Today I read about how people can get critical and I got so guilty of it, it inspired me to write this. Being introvert and melancholic, it's not my thing to be out there and interact with people outside my circle which is family and chosen friends. So if I meet people with personalities that are not what I was accustomed to, I tend to back away, be uncomfortable and judge. I don't think this attitude makes anyone a terrible person, if anything it makes us human. Annoyed is what you get around anything annoying. Hurt is what you feel for anything hurtful. Kapag may mabaho, magtatakip ka ng ilong. Kapag mainit, we feel discomfort. Tao tayo eh so we react to these things. But our humanity is flawed, so not because its natural to us makes them okay to do.

This is just not a matter of dismissing the idea of first impressions and judging people. What if people are more than just annoying? Ang mundo ay puno ng makasarili at makasalanang tao, kapag hindi ka tinablan its either bato ka, or isa kang anghel. I doubt that this next thing I will say will always be how I'd respond, but I have learned that the Christlike attitude towards this is to be loving and accepting. 

This is one thing that the Lord has been teaching me this year - loving people. Seeing others as people Jesus also died for. I know this sounds very churchy so let me add that this is not at all easy. I've been hurt and let down many times and that makes me distant and cold, pinagdadamot ko ang sarili ko para di ako ma-take advantage.

I can't remember the exact way she said it, pero sabi ni Je dati, nasa itsura ko daw kasi na madaling kaya-kayanin. So issue na din pala itsura ko. More than magpaganda kelangan ko na din alalahanin kung pano ako magmumukhang palaban. But I learned na sa dami ng problema sa mundo, worrying about looking stupid or weak should be the least of my concerns. I can only be myself and as I do, the Lord will be my protector. He will also be my vindicator.

We hear advices about letting go and avoiding people who are not good for us. I do this. I stopped being friends with some people who I thought was not behaving like a true friend. I stopped talking to some people. I even unfriended some in Facebook. Now, I may need to re-think this idea. In Blue Like Jazz ito yung sinasabi ni Don Miller na we treat love like a trade. Ang binibigay nating love ay depende sa natatanggap natin. If we don't like how we are treated, we withhold our love and don't give any of ourselves at all. But I don't think this is true love. I read this from David Bonifacio, that love is a gift, we give it freely. And in the Bible, we are called to love people. I am no expert in this area, I am still taking it in.

It's hard. Gagamitin ko na 'tong platform to rant about the injustices done to me. There was this girl in the office who pushed me. Not figuratively. Literally. I won't go into the details, but I know I'm not imagining things, tinulak talaga niya 'ko. I didn't react but I was so tempted to rant in Twitter and tweet "FAT, FAT, FAT". Kaso meron pala akong nanay at ate na mataba so hindi ko na lang ginawa. I just stopped feeling the need to say Hi to her whenever we run into each other. At least ngayon hindi ko na siya kelangan plastikin. It only gets harder. We have this neighbor who blasts their stereo, I hate don't like them. But the Lord says "Love your neighbor" and here they are, the very definition of a neighbor, as in the house across the street, being so selfish, so insensitive, so unlovable. It's like a bad joke. And, and, and, these FX drivers! Hindi ko naman nilalahat pero yung iba sa kanila, ang sasalbahe akala ata nila utang na loob mong sumakay sa kanila eh nagbabayad ka naman. Like hello, the chairman of our company earns tons of mullah but would never treat people like the way you do, some FX driver you!

And I'm not even scratching the surface. That are many more bad, rotten, filthy people out there. 

So ano nga ulit yung sinasabi ko? Aaahh. Pagmamahal sa kapwa.

You see, it's not easy. But it doesn't make the idea wrong, or untrue or impossible. This is not even a new thing. It's been here, everywhere, we hear it in a Beatles song. We just don't get it.

I still get hurt and encounter people I don't like, but one thing I do as a start is refuse to harbor hate. Maybe I don't have to like people yet, but I constantly need to remind myself to be accepting and forgiving. I have to learn to keep an open mind, knowing that being imperfect as everyone, I myself can be annoying and hurtful too sometimes. 

Labor Day Randomness

Today is Labor Day in the states hence it’s a holiday. Some colleagues set out on a grand out of town vacation this long weekend but not me. My friend Erwin once tweeted “There are things we are asked to live without. I have my list, you have yours.” I favorited this because it rings true. There are so many things to do but with limited time and resources, that if I was going to arrange my priorities, travel and  going out would be those that I would give up without second guessing. I’m at this point where I have accepted that I would need to make sacrifices for the things I value as most important. I have so many unread ebooks, unseen movies and unheard of music that today I would just be happy to house-cation and consume them over too much caffeine. Okay.  That’s pathetic, nerdy and pretentious. 

Actually last Saturday night, Karen and I were supposed to watch Wilson’s band play next town (and I said I gave up going out). It just hit me when he was not responding to my text that I got the dates mixed up. He invited us for August 30 and that Saturday night was already the 31st. It figures why he texted Friday night asking where I was and when I replied saying I was at work, I did not hear from him since. Naisip ko, maybe it’s normal to mixed up the dates like that, but then I asked, if I like Wilson a bit more would that have happened? If anything, maybe I just agreed to go because I wanted to do something new with Karen. Like I wanted for us to meet new people and share an adventure together. It’s one of those things you have to experience because it doesn’t happen all the time. I’m talking about being the date of the bass player who’s got long hair and tattoos on both arms. I know, such profound taste in men (he skateboards too). Well, I screwed up so the closest thing I got to being that kind of girl is being invited to come, that’s it.

I finished reading The Fault in Our Stars by John Green this morning. It was kind of okay halfway through but towards the end I couldn’t stop. I am not a big novel reader so it was a deal that I finished one in less than 24 hrs. It did not laugh out loud or pause to say “OMG ang ganda nito” like I did reading Blue Like Jazz but it sure made me cry. I think that’s what the book wanted to accomplish, yung steady ka lang nagbabasa pero nadadala ka na pala.  It is a sad book I tell you, in a way that isn’t forced. I felt a bit envious of Hazel for having found the love of her life at 16.  To think they both have cancer which is something to pity and this is just fiction, but it made me feel that. That’s how believable it was to me. Except for the killer quotes, like who talks like that in real life? Oh well, maybe people who are sick, dying and are in love. Reading this book also made me remember how I responded to BLJ and I realized that I really liked the latter for what it is, not just because I learned it from this guy who I was sort of getting to know back then.

Hamartia. A striking word or idea I read in A Fault in Our Stars. Quoting from the book, it is like, "The whole thing where a boy who is not unattractive or unintelligent or seemingly in any way unacceptable stares at me and points out incorrect uses of literality and compares me to actresses and asks me to watch a movie at his house. But of course there is always a hamartia and yours is that [cigarette] oh, my God, even though you HAD FREAKING CANCER you give money to a company in exchange for the chance to acquire YET MORE CANCER." It’s a fatal flaw that ruins the whole thing, like that shiny red balloon in a Barbie's Cradle song. I totally get this. I did not know there was a word for it. Of course no one is perfect but it becomes disappointing when everything is great...and then this. Okay, how arrogant of me to be talking about other people’s flaws like I don’t have one. Afterall, isa akong malaking hamartia na nagkaroon ng hininga at naging tao. I have so many flaws that if there is one good thing about me, there should be a new word invented for that. Imagine someone saying, "You are so wrong in so many different levels but this one great thing about you makes you right." Hanep! Hahaha. 

On a redeeming note, I learned that true love is so powerful it overlooks the hamartia. More on this in my future posts maybe.

Alright, so how else did I spend my Labor Day? I watched V for Vendetta which is kind of spooky because in the book, Augustus suggests that Hazel watch it and I was like, I just saw that last night! I also saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind again. I cooked Spanish Omelet, half of which was consumed by our dogs and they loved it! I listened to one of those Relevant podcast episodes. I read a bit about 30 Seconds to Mars’ 30 million lawsuit. I slept through a playlist of indie songs. I had a special bath in generous amount of conditioner and body scrub, it was great! ( I realized later that any regular shower can be epic for anyone who I stinks like I did.) I actually want more free days to do the same stuff. Except for my annoying neighbor, this Labor Day weekend wasn’t so bad.

To Her With Love

I have this reputation for being a person who doesn't eat much and I won't even try to redeem myself from that. But one thing I know, I am such a breakfast junkie. I just cannot miss breakfast. We had a neighbor who we call Ate Tita, who would come over everyday to do our chores. I don't let her wash my clothes but I think cooking breakfast is a special task for her specific for the middle child who works at night and comes home looking for breakfast.

One morning inabutan ko si Tatay ang naghahanda ng agahan and I thought Ate Tita must be late or something. Later I overheard Tatay telling Nanay that Ate Tita came by to inform him that she was not gonna be coming over for a while. We know she was complaining about having diarrhea the past couple of weeks and the next week after that, she couldn't poop. After having checked by the doctor, she was advised to be confined in a hospital for 3 days. Well, she never get to come back. She was diagnosed with colon cancer and she was confined for more than 3 days. She passed away in less than a month, at their own home, and today she has been cremated for 5 days already.

It was hard for me to wrap my mind around this truth. Everyday for the past 3-5 years I would come home to the breakfast she cooked. Ngayon, I would come home, check what's for breakfast then wonder who prepared it, Tatay or my brother Rap. It still feels like it was Ate Tita's breakfast. In my head, I would sometimes ask "ganon-ganon na lang ba talaga yun? Kailan lang, andito pa ngayon wala na." This is me pondering about the meaning of life. 

I wanted to question God when I learned about the cancer, but I saw His loving mercy when He finally took her. Hindi na kasi pinatagal at pinahirapan. Lahat naman talaga tayo dun din pupunta. Sabi ni Nanay, kapag daw tinatawagan niya si Ate Tita sa hospital, she would say "kaya mo 'yan ha" and the latter would strongly answer "kaya ko 'to kay Lord". I guess from that we can pretty much assume where she will spend eternity.

Sa aming 3 magkakapatid, ako yung anak na palaging nasa bahay pero parang wala din. Being the introverted person that I am, I'd always lock myself in my room and I hardly talk to Tatay, paano na lang kay Ate Tita. Ngayon meron na kaming bagong tagalaba at plantsa. One day, I heard her say that she used to have really long hair but she cut it and sold it for P1200. I felt the urge to be involved in the conversation.

I will call her Ate here because I still don't know her name. 

Me: Talaga Ate? May ganon pala? Sinong bumili.

Ate: Mga taga Laguna eh, ginagawa daw nilang wig tapos dadalhin sa Amerika.

Me: Pero dapat maganda ang buhok?

Ate: Oo. Hindi mo ba nakita yung buhok ko dati? Hanggang bewang na itim na itim na maganda.

Me: Oh okay. (hindi ko sinagot yung tanong niya. I obviously did not notice because of my lack of care)

Ate: Naghahanap daw talaga sila ng mga mabibilhan ng buhok. Tapos nakarating sila dito sa atin. Nung nagtanong sila, ako ang tinuro ng mga taga dito. 32 thousand daw ang benta nila dun kapag natapos.

Me: Ah talaga. 

I didn't say much but I was proud of myself that I took interest, I genuinely thought that was quite an interesting story. Maybe I should listen and care more.

Lately, I've been having this intense desire to be the best version of myself. I equate that to being better at what I do, accomplishing goals and being cool. Alam ko walang masama dun. I've been telling friends that God created us for something, for greatness if you will, and He is committed to help us be just that. But lately I've been thinking, is that all life is about? Being great? Some people even live for less dahil ang goal lang nila sa buhay is to live life to the fullest. They do that by going places and experiencing things. So I guess wanting to be excellent is not all that bad right? Maybe, but I'm not sold to this idea anymore. 

I met up with Brigs this weekend and Je told us about a story of her friend who was granted a scholarship abroad that costs millions. This, based on the moral of the story, is brought upon by having unwavering faith and boldly asking God for greater things. In a practical sense, this is how this story should impact me: I would want to boldy ask God to do great things for me too. We meant for these stories to glorify the Lord, and they do, but it also shows something about us.

Self-centeredness. This is where I am getting at. Sometimes it is always about us. Maybe we are meant to be excellent in a way that other people should benefit too.

I get these thoughts because Ate Tita left a family, who would not only have to deal with a loss of their mother, but from now on would have to worry about money for food, school and electricity.

I'm having these thoughts because if I would be honest with myself, I don't think I made any sort of impact to her life at all.

Maybe Blue Like Jazz is right. Maybe Joyce Meyer and David Bonifacio are right. Life is meaningful if it's focused towards other people, helping other people live better lives. True religion cares for the poor, the sick, the orphans, the widows and the widowers (kung makasabi ako ng poor parang ang yaman ko lang no?).

I heard Pastor Paul Chase once said it: It's simple. Live a life that glorifies God and helps people.

Again, this is me being a saint pondering about the deeper meaning of life.

I am closing this entry with a song. A few months back when I was feeling messed up,  napapaiyak ako ng song na 'to. It gives me that feeling na 'wag ako madiscouraged, "this is not the end", better days are up ahead. I read somewhere though that this song is really about the after life. That our days here on earth are numbered and they don't always turn out to be good for all of us, but this is not it yet, one day "we will open our eyes wider". 

This is to Ate Tita who we miss dearly. We will see her again, someday. This is "This is Not the End" by the Gungor.

Why Do We Hurt the Ones We Love

Automatic na sa 'kin ang magconnect sa Wi-Fi kapag dumarating ako sa office everyday. This is how I get updated sa social media kasi wala kaming internet sa bahay. I was browsing through some tweets one day and read a joke tweeted by Patty Laurel. She's always like that, corny jokes and all and I'm used to it. That day though, I was either having a bad day or the joke may have been extra corny, I had to quote it and add a piece of my mind. I made sure to remove the @ sign though because I did not want for her to read that. Tapos, tinabi ko ang phone ko at hinarap ang computer para paniwalain ang sarili ko na handa na akong magtrabaho. Tumunog ang phone, may nagtext, or so I thought. When I checked it, I couldn't believe my eyes. @pattylaurel replied to @SiRaqsAko, I said "Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God". Tapos narealized ko, para yatang hindi siya masyadong masaya and why in the world did she get to read my tweet eh hindi dapat! "Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God" ulit ako nang mas malakas this time. Nilapitan na ako ng mga katabi ko kasi akala nila kung ano na nangyari sa 'kin. In my head I was thinking, sasagot ba ako? Natakot din ako sa thought na ako na ang sunod na Amalayer. 

Siguro yung ibang tao paninindigan na lang yun, and that makes sense. People bash in social media all the time, this is one of those. It's also way cooler to appear like you don't care. So she was pissed at my tweet, o tapos? 

But for what it's worth I had to tweet back. I had to call myself a Twitter moron and say I'm actually a fan and apologize. Why? Well for one, totoo naman kasi yun. I am really a fan and I'm sorry she read my tweet because I did not know how Twitter works. Secondly, I can tell she was pissed kahit na naglagay siya ng smiley. We are entitled to having our own opinions, but not to ruining anybody’s day or mood through harsh words. Especially not her's because she is always very encouraging to others. 

The funny thing is, I never direct tweet celebrities, I only follow those I really like. Minsan na lang napansin ng sikat ang tweet ko sablay pa. And before this, my Twitter account was always protected. I made it public just this time at eto ang nangyari -  a classic case of a girl who was always afraid of flying, and that one time she had the courage to try it, the plane unfortunately crashed.

The idea of getting a tweet from the celebrity you really like is thrilling, but not in this light. Tragic story of a fan girl. I tweeted then that I would be writing something about this entitled "Why do we hurt the ones we love?" It was just a random thing then, if anything I was only making fun of myself. But because of a recent incident with my father lately, this now makes perfect sense. 

This is how the bomb fell. The other night before going to work, I had an exchange of words with Tatay. Though my points were valid, I should have just kept them in my brain because they were hurtful. I went to work with no peace that night. It was killing me to be at the office when I should be at home apologizing. 

And then I thought, sa ibang tao we are careful of our words either because ayaw natin makaoffend or we care about how they will react. Pero dun sa mga taong we claim to love, we just say whatever we like. I was quick to apologize to Patty because I cared about how she felt. She did not reply and she even deleted her tweet to me. She basically just moved on with her life.

David Bonifacio has a point when he said we care about how we appear to other people na wala naman pakialam sa atin when in fact, dapat yung attention na yun binibigay natin sa mga taong mahal natin like our family. 

I look for love, but how do I care for my parents, the very people God placed for me to love. 

I also realized how careless I am with my words. I usually have a good grasp of self-control in most things, except this mouth! I just can't tame it. I don't really get bothered anymore by what others may think of me when I blab, but I guess when it gets me in trouble that oughta make me think. 

Yeah, yeah, this post has mother Teresa stamped all over it but I will never be embarrassed of it. It has more sense and meaning than some stuff people post in social media these days. 

Birthday Brunching at the Fort

I hang out at the Fort when I meet up with Brigs and we pass through it when Ate Sarah drives me to work on some Mondays. This was the first time I had breakfast there with my barkada from work...and boy, hindi namin alam 'tong lugar na 'to. Haha! We don't know our way around. Walang-wala eh. Anong magagawa namin kung Makati girls kami diba? Chos. 

Burgos Circle. That's Josie, Gherry, Eds and me. Photogrid by Gherry.

Tokyo Bubble Tea. Photogrid by Gherry.

I'm not much of a foodie but I am definitely a salad person. I have yet to find a place with a chicken caesar salad better than this. 

Photo by Josie

 

saan ba yun?

Sweet Bella Cafe - good service but not the best experience altogether

I know our value is never based on who are friends are and how many they are. But God used these girls to affirm me and I am grateful for that.

Still Sexy at 31

Joke time yung title but today is my really my 31st birthday. I don't now what the future holds, but I know Who holds the future. I promise, yes, I do, that I will work on being the the best version of myself and leave the rest to God. I know greater things are yet to come, I just know.

Sabi nga ni Ramon Bautista, "Thank you Lord sa life!" I couldn't agree more. Thank You indeed Father God.

Last Words

I've been thinking of making this blog post but I have to admit that it wasn't easy. I cannot ignore the urge to write down my thoughts though, so here it is, my random musings on how I almost met your father. Hahaha. Yeah, I met a guy a few months back and the get-to-know-each-other part was crazy, but in the end it did not work out like how we hoped it would. And so for a period of time after that, I saw myself feeling like I was Joseph Gordon Levitt in 500 Days of Summer. Well, I did not buy orange juice and Jack Daniels in my bathrobe, and I did not lose it breaking plates in the kitchen. But I have to admit that during those days I was not in my best shape.

***

It's like being a medical patient waiting for a heart or a kidney transplant.  You get excited to learn that they've found a donor, only to find after the tests that its not a match. Para kang naghihintay ng trabaho sa labas ng bansa. Nung finally natawagan ka na ng recruitment agency, sa middle east pala ang opening hindi sa Canada. Hindi ko sinasabing mukha siyang bumbay at caucasian ang type ko. Hindi ko rin sinasabing hindi kami bagay. May mga bagay talagang kahit akala mo okay na hindi pa rin nagwowork out. The analogy was only to show how it was for me, hindi kasi maintindihan ni Je kung bakit ako nalulungkot eh ayaw ko naman daw magtrabaho sa middle east. Syempre nakakalungkot pa din yun kasi a dream has died. Akala ko makakalipad na 'ko sa Canada, akala ko maooperahan na 'ko para mapalitan ang mga defective kong organs, hindi pa pala. 

***

I remember years back my friend Yoej told me na minsan daw, kapag nakakakita siya ng couple, naiisip niya, "itsura ng babaeng 'to buti pa siya may lovelife, bakit si Ate Raquel wala?". Yoej is knockout pretty, so if she thinks na 'tong itsura kong ito eh pwedeng panglovelife, we have to respect that people. Meron scene sa Almost Famous where in Jason Lee was shouting out to the heavens asking "is it really that hard to make us look cool?". Sometimes when I feel crappy, in my head I see myself doing this, asking God "Is it really that hard to find me a jowa?"

***

Sabay kami kumain minsan nung isa kong kaibigan, wala, catch up lang. Nabanggit ko sa kanya before that I was getting to know this guy, kaya ngayon, I thought I was gonna update her that it did not work out. Nauna siya magkwento at nalaman ko na wala na sila nung boyfriend niya for 3 years. Sinaktan siya nito physically nung huli nilang away kaya nagbreak na sila. Akala ko ako ang may mapait na buhay pag-ibig. Hiyang-hiya naman daw ako sa istorya ko kaya instead na magkwento nakinig na lang ako sa kanya.

***

So how have I been coping from a failed courtship? I caught up with friends during the first couple of weeks after the "breakup" (feelingera!). There was a time I saw Team4One thrice one week in April. It was my first time to be alone with Monica in 7 years of friendship and we talked for 8 hours. I tweeted a lot and abused Instagram with my selfies. I've been downloading a lot of indie music. I've been cooking lots of omelets (gusto ko matuto magluto and I'm starting with eggs). I've been working on this hybrid car and just being more awesome. Nah. I really felt "bleh" and "aargh". Ayoko nga sana kasi in my brain I hear voices bullying "walaaaa, affected ka". Eh ganun na nga talaga. Pero naisip ko, if this is how I deal with it - reconnecting with friends, loving myself (my selfies!), learning new things (omelets and indie music), hindi na din pala masama. Naalala ko tuloy si Hollywood actress Olivia Wilde. She was a firm believer of the vegan lifestyle, then she got divorced. She had to eat cheese to be okay. Now if cheese is all she needed to be able to handle that, eating cheese can't be all that bad, now can it? Kesa nga naman magdrugs. It is also surprising to me how some people would sometimes find me "blooming" despite of how awful I feel about myself. When I check my selfies in Instagram, I realized, these may have been my best pictures ever! (pagbigyan niyo na 'ko I really feel pangit). I think this is because sadness made me a food slob and it turns out bagay pala sa akin ang konting laman.

mabuti na magselfie kesa magdrugs

my spanish omelets. hahaha. blog ko 'to bakit ba? 

What I did not do is be bitter. There are times na gusto ko siyang bigwasan pero siguro after nun kukurutin ko din siya na may halong lambing. Hahaha. I don't know pero wala akong maramdamang resentment sa taong yun. And this is good. When I opened myself to dating, I prayed to God to protect my heart na kahit masaktan ako, this will not stop me from trusting and accepting love from people who will genuinely love me. I think the Lord allowed my heart to be broken, but he protected it from being bitter.

***

He once texted during our wee hours landian that "we together or apart have to live a better story." I realize now that this is sad so that's all I have to say about that. Haha. 

***

I also have thoughts that posting this may not be wise. How would the guy I'd be dating next feel if he reads this? Isa lang 'yan sa sumagi sa isip ko. Well, to whoever you are, please know na kahit hindi pa kita nakikilala I thought about your feelings already (yiheee!). It is here because I learned a lot from this, lessons about loving people which could be potentially make me date better. I should write about those learnings too, but I don't know where to begin. Maybe this is it, where I begin. Ohh that will be harder to write.

***

Let me end this by sharing this goodbye song I found. I used to listen to a laslas playlist but I don't anymore. This song I still listen to because aside from actually being a good song, I thought it's not that dark and sad because of the nice melody. Pero minsan malungkot din siya. Hehe. Anyway, here it is, Last Words by The Real Tuesday Weld.