Happy New Year

Honestly speaking, nagsara ang 2008 na hindi ako satisfied. I was excited for 2008. I called it the "year of possibilities". I had my plans, was very positive and before I knew it, bagong taon na naman.

Nung una, ayoko nang ma-excite for 2009. Skeptic na. I didnt really care in 2007, but a lot of things has happened that year. So I thought, if I take 2008 seriously, maybe even better things would happen. But it went by so fast. Really, I think 2008 went by so fast. I was going like, "realy, 2009 na? What happened in 2008? What happened in my year of possibilities?" Okay, so I helped a few people, enjoyed doing ministry and learning new things, went through trials and came out stronger, bought some stuff for myself, started wearing braces, and had my hair rebonded and colored. Yeah. I spent so much for myself this year than in any other year. Nga pala, I became "the" Youth Leader in our church and not to forget, we have Pablo added to the family this year. Not bad I guess, huh?

So I decided to put my skeptism aside, and believe again, that 2009 is the year of more possibilities. =) I will live life to the fullest, splurge some more money to myself, get out of my comfort zone and be open to "possibilities", all this and still live responsibly. Yeah, like, I will try doing drugs pero hindi ako mandadamay and I will never get caught. =) Biro lang.

Binasa ko uli yung 2008 New Year's Resolution ko from my old journal, and it was like I just wrote that list a few months back, now 2008 is over pass-your-test papers time na. Maybe I did accomplished some, some I definitely didn't. But I'm keeping the same list, maybe modify it a little.

For the record, I was spending the New Year's Eve at work for two consecutive years now. Sana this year nasa bahay na 'ko magbagong taon.

True Blue Melancholic

The month of November ang topic namin sa Youth Service was about the four basic temperaments: Sanguine, Choleric, Melancholic and Phlegmatic. Na-encounter ko na ito before pero hindi nagretain sa'kin. I didnt even know what temperament I have. We did a test, and I found out that I belong to the melancholy type. Kuya Adong, our teacher, told us melancholic to stand up and he said the 3 words that best describes us: introvert, pessimistic and thinker. He added an kami yung tipo ng tao na suspicious, skeptical and mahirap maconvinced. I was stunned. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung ano yang melancholy na 'yan, and what he said was true. That's me! Para akong nagpahula na totoo ang hula.

I am a melancholic because I checked the most number of melancholic traits: analytical, planner, scheduled, detailed, bashful, unpopular, hard to please, too sensitive, depressed, skeptical, suspicious and critical.

Kuya Adong shared that it is important for us to understand other people pero in order to do that, we have to understand ourselves first.

Sabi ni Ricky Lee sa book niya kapag kinikilala mo ang sarili mo, it is one way of opening your creative eyes and windows. I agree. Personally, I feel liberated kapag mas nakikilala ko ang sarili ko.

Saktong-sakto naman, hindi ko alam bakit naisip ni Nanay na pahiramin ako ng book na nabili niya - Spirit Controlled Woman. It is mainly about the four temperaments and how one can balance the strengths and weaknesses of the temperament she has.

At ito pa. We had the Myer Briggs type indicator test in our team building at ang resulta- I am an introver who is a thinker, deep, namimili ng kaibigan at nagseset ng boundaries.

What are the odds that in a month, I encountered 2 tests and a book showing me who I am?

As I was reading the book Nanay lend me, it was as if the writer was writing about me. Flashbacks are coming to my mind, of me when I was little and growing up and all this time.

I enjoy this self-discovery. It answers a lot for me. I feel normal. Because really, sometimes, I feel like I'm a weirdo. Hehe. Totoo. My ate thinks so too.

Ate seems to be choleric because she's bossy and Rap took the test too and he's phlegmatic. I read to them aloud that the book says melancholic children are "the model children, who need very little correction." We were just laughing about it but I know we all know it's true. =)

This explains why I have this heart for anything artistic. This explains why my interests involve thinking, like reading, writing and planning.

This also explains why I am naturally negative and emo. I have been working on being positive and grateful, but when I took the test, melancholic pa din. Naturally negative and emo kasi, I have to put and effort to be positive and happy, but it's very easy for me to be negative and depressed. Sabi nga, real beauty is effortless. Effort na effort kang magpaganda pero it only takes a frown para pumangit ka. Kasi, naturally, pangit ka talaga. =)

If I can choose my temperament, I like to be a phlegmatic: cool, calm and collected. Swabeng-swabe. Pero alang-ala eh, I am a true blue melancholic.

The good thing though is that, melancholics are said to be the most gifted of all the temperaments. Pero dahil nga sa kanyang self-centeredness, critical spirit and gloom, she suffers more than any others and limits her potential.

The author Beverly LaHaye says she finds it interesting that in the Bible, God sought more melancholy people to serve Him than any others. What temperaments were Moses, Elijah, Samuel, John the Baptist, John, Paul and Thomas? They were all melancholics. =)

XOXO

I knew "XOXO" is a brand of clothing, so I thought it must be a french word or someting. Nalaman ko lang from watching "Nacho Libre" that it stands for "hugs and kisses".

Hehe. Ang kikay.

Nanay, the Giver

My mother is the most giving person I know. Other people give more than her, but she's the most giving for me, una, kasi nanay ko siya, pangalawa, other people give because they have plenty to give and much more left for themselves. Pero si nanay, ibang klase, tatanggi na lang kapag pamasahe na lang ang natira. And she does not only give financially, she also give her time, and whatever it is she can do to help.

Sometimes, because I'm an ugly and greedy person, I don't always feel right about these 'charity' thing she does. " She puts Gandhi to shame. She makes him look like a used car salesman! =) Yeah, that'a line from a movie, but man, it's perfect for her. See, I'm not even trying to be nice here, I am being sarcastic. I'm not persecuting her though. Point is, hindi ko sinasabi 'to praise her dahil nanay ko siya. I just can't believe there is a person, so giving, so self-denial, who can put other people's needs first before her own.

If that's what you call spiritual gift, then taas na kamay ko, I'm down on my knees for I am a sinner...I believe, I believe.

Grow up!

Oh the things that I had to go through this week...

I know there are tons of people who are way better than me in every way, and I have learned to be cool with that. Natanggap ko nang lamang sakin ng isang paligo si Patty, at pinanganak siyang Laurel kaya rich kid siya sakin ng isang gold bar. Okay lang yun. Pero iba pala yung dating sakin of realizing na yung ibang tao na I think I am better than will eventually be better than me. Nakakataranta yung feeling. Kunwari TL ako tapos yung agent ko tinulungan kong mapromote, tapos eventually pala magiging competition ko siya sa OM post tapos ang ending siya pa yung na-promote over me. Yung ganon scenario ba? Kaya nakakarelate ako kay Cherry Gil when she said to Sharon Cuneta "You're nothing, but a second rate, trying hard, gaya-gaya!" ( splash ng tubig here).

Madali siyang ikwento gaya nito, but believe me, it's a hard thing to go through. Kung ano-anong pambobola ang sinabi ko sa sarili ko just so I will feel better, until I can't lie anymore, I had to say to God: "God why? I am more obedient to You, I serve You better. Why do you bless us all just the same?" I feel like the older brother in the prodigal son in the Bible. I felt how Jonah in the Bible felt.

Imagine a daughter who got rewarded with a huge doll because of getting good grades, but the other child with the not as good grades got the same reward. Nung bata ako ugali kong magmaktol pag merong decisions ang parents ko na unacceptable sakin. Parang ganon ngayon.

Pero sabi nga ni Pastor Paul, "Grow up!"

Nung bata ako may maktol-times ako na nagngangawa na ko, nginangatngat ko na yung kumot, wala na kong luha, wala pa ding umaamo sakin. Hanggang sa ako na lang ang mapagod.

I can imagine God ignoring my tantrums then telling me "Raquel, grow up!" Kahit saan anggulo tingnan, it's wrong to feel this way. Anong masama if He is good to everyone? Why can't I be happy for other people?

I call myself a good girl because I convince myself I am one. Because many times, this is how ugly I can get.

The comforting thing that changes my heart is that, God will not tolerate this kind of attitude so I have to get rid of this as well.

Yesterday, I was introduced to this very cute girl. I will not say walang hit ng insecurity, eh siya lang naman kasi ang date ng crush ko. Pero dati ko pa alam na someone is always better than me, for than I thought I can submit to humility. Well, I was not humble enough pala. There is a much humbler position God is showing me, at yun eh mas mababa sa level ng ibang akala ko eh above ako. My pride refuses to accept, but this pride is a killer, at ayoko na nito. I wanna be freed from this comparing thing, and stop looking at what others have and be secured knowing that all my needs are met by God and sincerely, sa totoo lang talaga, I want to be sincerely happy for other people and even help them.

The Right One

Pag nagbihaye ka sa gabi at may nakasabay kang bagong ligo na naka-jacket, 90% of the time taga-call center yun. Bagong ligo, ibig sabihin, papasok pa lang. Pag nakajacket, maporma yun, taga-call center.

This month bumili ako ng dalawa...dalawang kotse! Aseef! Hindi. Dalawang jacket! ( hindi ako nangyayabang. Kinukumbinse ko ang sarili kong hindi ako nanghihinayang). Halos tatlong taon na kong nagko-call center, ang huli kong bili ng jacket eh nung 2005 pa. Matipid kasi talaga ko dati, kesa ipambili ko ng jacket itataya ko na lang sa ending. Dumating din naman ako sa point na ready na ko bumili ng bago. Pero wala ko magustuhan. Hindi ko madescribe kung ano yung gusto ko, basta alam ko pag nakita ko yun, alam ko yun na.

Sabi ko one time, "today I will buy something nice". Hindi pa nababanat ang mga varicose veins ko nakakita na ko ng "keeper". Love at first sight. It's not the type na bonggang-bongga mukha akong magwiwinter sa Russia. Simpleng-simple. Beige, khaki, plain, reasonable price, decent brand. Tumingin pa ko sa iba kasi ganun dapat. Natagalan ako...mga 10 minutes! Binalikan ko si "keeper" para isukat. Naiba ang pwesto, medyo itinago sa ilalim ng ibang damit. Hmm..mukhang may ibang nakakita at nagkainteres. Nagmadali ako dahil baka nagwithdraw lang yun at pagbalik eh mag-agawan kami. Ayoko ng gulo. Bayolente pa naman ako. Isang braso pa lang ang nasusuutan ko, bagay na kaagad. Babayaran ko na...anak ng credit card, nag-eerror! Eh dahil mayaman ako hindi naman sa pagmamayabang, kinash ko na lang. Walang-wala eh, ganun lang talaga ang buhay namin. Paglabas ko ng store, sikreto akong napa-yes! Naunahan ko yung kung sino man yun.

Then one time, going home from seeing the dentist, napadaan ako sa mall. I saw this plain black jacket. Sabi ko, next time na lang kasi kakabili ko lang. Pero naisip ko din, all this time I wanted to buy a jacket but couldnt find something I like, and this time, nakakita ako ng gusto ko. Pag nawala na ito, kelan pa ulit ako makakakita ng gusto ko? (Actually kung natagalan nga akong magdecide eh mukhang naunahan ako kasi popular item, parang isda, ang daming pumipisil.) Isinukat ko, hood pa lang kamukha ko na si Jlo. Umuwi akong hindi lang bago ang goma ng braces, may bitbit din akong paperbag.

Shopping for a jacket for me was kinda like looking for the "one". You look around and you wait. Pag nakita mo, you'll know it's what you want. All this time, simple lang naman ang hinahanap mo eh.

Always before, I have always believed that God is in control of everything and that He has everything planned out. Halimbawa lang, kaya hindi ako nakabili ng jacket dati was because it was not in God's timing yet for me, and that He knew, in year 2008, a jacket will be designed, and its everything I ever want!

But I learned from Kuya Kevin and from experience na din, that God will give me the money, the time and the need for a jacket, but He will not go malling and shop for a jacket for me. He will not decide for me, I have to do that for myself.

If maybe I decided long before to really shop for a jacket, I may not end up with the jacket I bought now, but its possible that I could have found a jacket I can like as much. If I only I really look hard enough and not depend on my belief that God will drop the jacket all the way from heaven to my feet.

But then again, naniniwala pa din ako, na if nagpapaltos na ang paa ko kakahanap, at wala akong natipuhan, then maybe I should not buy now, and just wait for the new ones coming out.

Matindi siguro talaga ang panghihinayang ko sa ginastos ko at naiisip ko 'tong mga 'to.

Happy Sunday!

I went out Saturday night and went home floating and dreamy. When I got up Sunday morning, I still have the warm feeling in me. I was early in church and I was practically dancing in 'praise and worship'. So happy talaga. The song pa, goes like.."Lord your goodness and Your love will follow me, all the days of my life, I'm surrounded with the favor of the Lord, always and forever...."

And the youth service in the afternoon was super!

Yesterday was a A+ day. Bad day happens so I gotta celebrate the good times.